Appreciation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is being grateful and then there is the fact that kids don’t ask to be born. You chose to bring the child into the world, so the flip side of your argument is that as a result of your choice, you were the one responsible for providing her a stable home. That’s how I look at it. Are you looking for validation? How strange.

I haven’t read the other three pages up thread but I just want to say that I totally agree with this perspective. We’ll said!

[Anonymous]

Cut her off and maybe she'll start to take a closer look at herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is being grateful and then there is the fact that kids don’t ask to be born. You chose to bring the child into the world, so the flip side of your argument is that as a result of your choice, you were the one responsible for providing her a stable home. That’s how I look at it. Are you looking for validation? How strange.

You're condensing all of parenthood into the act of giving birth. Parenting for 20 years is tough! Perhaps you CFBC folks don't understand. Babies don't sleep and toddlers have tantrums. But teenagers sneak around and then, when you confiscate the bong, they tell you they hate you. (Let's be clear: I'm not totally opposed to weed, but it does impact growing brains, parents do need to set boundaries and, surprise, it turns out teens actually like boundaries.) Then, there's the sheer cost of raising them and sending them to college. It's a weekly or daily test of your logistical abilities, finances, and psychiatric and therapist skills. Yes, of course we sign up for all this when we have kids, and we do it because we love them and without expectation of thanks. But it's still hard work.

Before you attack me, my daughter bought me dinner with her second or third paycheck. My son recently told me he loved the decisions I made about his education. None of these was prompted, and both were completely unexpected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is being grateful and then there is the fact that kids don’t ask to be born. You chose to bring the child into the world, so the flip side of your argument is that as a result of your choice, you were the one responsible for providing her a stable home. That’s how I look at it. Are you looking for validation? How strange.

You're condensing all of parenthood into the act of giving birth. Parenting for 20 years is tough! Perhaps you CFBC folks don't understand. Babies don't sleep and toddlers have tantrums. But teenagers sneak around and then, when you confiscate the bong, they tell you they hate you. (Let's be clear: I'm not totally opposed to weed, but it does impact growing brains, parents do need to set boundaries and, surprise, it turns out teens actually like boundaries.) Then, there's the sheer cost of raising them and sending them to college. It's a weekly or daily test of your logistical abilities, finances, and psychiatric and therapist skills. Yes, of course we sign up for all this when we have kids, and we do it because we love them and without expectation of thanks. But it's still hard work.

Before you attack me, my daughter bought me dinner with her second or third paycheck. My son recently told me he loved the decisions I made about his education. None of these was prompted, and both were completely unexpected.

Me again. TLDR: none of us is seeking "validation," as you put it. But it's nice to get recognition for confiscating the bong and driving that ancient car so DC can attend the ivy. I think that's OP's point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is being grateful and then there is the fact that kids don’t ask to be born. You chose to bring the child into the world, so the flip side of your argument is that as a result of your choice, you were the one responsible for providing her a stable home. That’s how I look at it. Are you looking for validation? How strange.

I'm a CFBC adult and love this PP. Thank you for being a voice of reason.

what is CFBC?

I don't think this is the voice of reason. It's a very twisted way of looking at life. Most people are at least grateful to have been born. At least. If you don't enjoy life and only think you were born because of someone else's choices in life, there is something wrong.

+1. So sick of the self-centered grownups complaining their parents never did enough for them. Some of the stories of parental abuse are appalling, but others among you seem entitled and narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is being grateful and then there is the fact that kids don’t ask to be born. You chose to bring the child into the world, so the flip side of your argument is that as a result of your choice, you were the one responsible for providing her a stable home. That’s how I look at it. Are you looking for validation? How strange.

You're condensing all of parenthood into the act of giving birth. Parenting for 20 years is tough! Perhaps you CFBC folks don't understand. Babies don't sleep and toddlers have tantrums. But teenagers sneak around and then, when you confiscate the bong, they tell you they hate you. (Let's be clear: I'm not totally opposed to weed, but it does impact growing brains, parents do need to set boundaries and, surprise, it turns out teens actually like boundaries.) Then, there's the sheer cost of raising them and sending them to college. It's a weekly or daily test of your logistical abilities, finances, and psychiatric and therapist skills. Yes, of course we sign up for all this when we have kids, and we do it because we love them and without expectation of thanks. But it's still hard work.

Before you attack me, my daughter bought me dinner with her second or third paycheck. My son recently told me he loved the decisions I made about his education. None of these was prompted, and both were completely unexpected.

I agree with this, but like I said before, there's not much that the OP can do right now other than cut their daughter off. She sounds like the type of person who only talks to the OP when she needs them. Therefore, the OP should retaliate by cutting off any contact with her, including the next time their daughter needs something. Anything else she wants(grad school, a wedding, a house, a car, a babysitter for her potential kids), she has to get on her own.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a messed up mother and she expected to be appreciated for everything. I showered her with praise to survive. Now as a parent myself, I understand how toxic she was and how abusive she was in a lot of ways.

Parenting is a selfless labor of love. I am thrilled when my kids express appreciation, but I don't guilt trip them into expressing it. It needs to come from the heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut her off and maybe she'll start to take a closer look at herself.

My mother stopped talking to me because I was too busy with my husband's illness and work to shower her with the attention she feels she deserved. It has been a huge relief. The guilt trips, manipulation, hostility and entitlement rage have been replaced by blissful silence that has allowed to focus on taking care of my loved one, my kids and my sanity and my professional obligations. I finally didn't need to spend money on therapy to figure out how to deal with her nonsense.

Yes, cut your daughter off if you are so angry. It may be a gift to her that keeps on giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

OP, if she were expressing appreciation, what would that look like to you? What are you hoping for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a messed up mother and she expected to be appreciated for everything. I showered her with praise to survive. Now as a parent myself, I understand how toxic she was and how abusive she was in a lot of ways.

Parenting is a selfless labor of love. I am thrilled when my kids express appreciation, but I don't guilt trip them into expressing it. It needs to come from the heart.

OP never said a word about "guilting" her child into anything. She said she was disappointed, that such feelings were not in her daughter's heart (as far as she could tell).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

OP, if she were expressing appreciation, what would that look like to you? What are you hoping for?

Enthusiastic (not perfunctory) thanks for extra efforts (like taking the day off from work to drive for hours to facilitate something she wants to do, or putting my tasks aside, to review important application materials that she has drafted and requested me to proof).

Saying she was happy to be home, after time away.

Expressing enjoyment of a meal that took a long time to prepare.

Realizing that her needs always did (and still does) come first, because my love for her is bottomless.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think any kid really appreciates it until they become a parent. Sadly for OP, as evidenced by this board, that’s often when these adult kids decide you did everything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

OP, if she were expressing appreciation, what would that look like to you? What are you hoping for?

Enthusiastic (not perfunctory) thanks for extra efforts (like taking the day off from work to drive for hours to facilitate something she wants to do, or putting my tasks aside, to review important application materials that she has drafted and requested me to proof).

Saying she was happy to be home, after time away.

Expressing enjoyment of a meal that took a long time to prepare.

Realizing that her needs always did (and still does) come first, because my love for her is bottomless.

This all seems really weird to me OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

OP, if she were expressing appreciation, what would that look like to you? What are you hoping for?

Enthusiastic (not perfunctory) thanks for extra efforts (like taking the day off from work to drive for hours to facilitate something she wants to do, or putting my tasks aside, to review important application materials that she has drafted and requested me to proof).

Saying she was happy to be home, after time away.

Expressing enjoyment of a meal that took a long time to prepare.

Realizing that her needs always did (and still does) come first, because my love for her is bottomless.

Wow, martyr much? The fact that you coddle her is your problem, not hers. And perhaps even contributed (and continues to contribute) to the very situation you now lament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think any kid really appreciates it until they become a parent. Sadly for OP, as evidenced by this board, that’s often when these adult kids decide you did everything wrong.

I've read the adult kids on this board and it seems that very few have become parents.