Appreciation?

[Anonymous]

Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I started really appreciating my own parents until I had my own kids. I’d guess it’s pretty common to take your parents and upbringing somewhat for granted (admittedly based on my white, non-immigrant, middle class suburban experience), even at your child’s age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

Is it, though? I see it as a mark of success that my kids believe that every family is normal, emotionally calm and loving. Why would I want them to know the hell I went through to give it to them? The whole point was to shield them from that hard stuff. (And if you did shield them from it, it isn’t their fault that they didn’t know about it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

Is it, though? I see it as a mark of success that my kids believe that every family is normal, emotionally calm and loving. Why would I want them to know the hell I went through to give it to them? The whole point was to shield them from that hard stuff. (And if you did shield them from it, it isn’t their fault that they didn’t know about it.)

Interesting perspective. I just think that people walk around the world happier if they feel grateful for their good fortune.

[Anonymous]

Once your daughter is living on her own, she will find out just how much her life is really costing her. If she just graduated this year, she hasn’t had to handle adulting. When her rent is due and her car needs new tires, they will be to get it. Your instinct as a parent is to swoop in and help. Give them a chance and ask, “What’s the plan?”

[Anonymous]

There is being grateful and then there is the fact that kids don’t ask to be born. You chose to bring the child into the world, so the flip side of your argument is that as a result of your choice, you were the one responsible for providing her a stable home. That’s how I look at it. Are you looking for validation? How strange.

[Anonymous]

My five adult offspring are elsewhere, living their own lives. My parenting was good enough to create five independent adults, so that is all the validation I need.

[Anonymous]

I appreciated my parents till I got married and spouse helped me realize how horrible they were to me and then when I became a parent, just how crummy they were. Maybe there is a good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciated my parents till I got married and spouse helped me realize how horrible they were to me and then when I became a parent, just how crummy they were. Maybe there is a good reason.

Not sure if he has made you happier with that addition. For sure it sounds like he has distanced you from your family of origin. Depending upon how dysfunctional they were, that could be healthy. I would trust the input of a mental health professional more though. (He could just be trying to control you.)

I realize that I benefitted greatly from having parents who provided me with unconditional love and a stable home. They also demonstrated good values and put our family first. Those are definitely lessons that I have carried through to raising my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciated my parents till I got married and spouse helped me realize how horrible they were to me and then when I became a parent, just how crummy they were. Maybe there is a good reason.

I’m so sorry that you are in pain regarding your upbringing.
As a child, were you fed, clothed, housed and not abused? Some people do not know how to show love overtly; maybe that is all that your parents could do.
I pray that you remember the time when you felt that what your parents did was enough and it brings you comfort.

When we know better, we do better. As you are doing now with your child(ren).

It was a bit mean spirited for you to say that to the OP.

Wishing you nothing but peace✌🏾

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

Is it, though? I see it as a mark of success that my kids believe that every family is normal, emotionally calm and loving. Why would I want them to know the hell I went through to give it to them? The whole point was to shield them from that hard stuff. (And if you did shield them from it, it isn’t their fault that they didn’t know about it.)

Same. I was seriously in my 30s before I really understood the awful childhoods that some kids had. Abuse, addiction, divorce, abandonment, screaming. It sort of blew my mind. My children are little, but they don't even think criminals are real ("oh, they're all in jail") and my dd commented that she didn't understand how a classmate only had a single mom and not a dad. She cried herself to sleep when she realized that some people get divorced and don't love each other forever (she's seen waaaayyy too many disney movies!)

I didn't appreciate my parents as much until I had kids. I always loved them, but just didn't understand how unbelievably hard it is to raise children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

Is it, though? I see it as a mark of success that my kids believe that every family is normal, emotionally calm and loving. Why would I want them to know the hell I went through to give it to them? The whole point was to shield them from that hard stuff. (And if you did shield them from it, it isn’t their fault that they didn’t know about it.)

Interesting perspective. I just think that people walk around the world happier if they feel grateful for their good fortune.

Honestly that sounds dysfunctional and what an emotionally abusive person would say. It's one thing for people to be happy and enjoy their childhoods, it's another for a parent to tell them to be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciated my parents till I got married and spouse helped me realize how horrible they were to me and then when I became a parent, just how crummy they were. Maybe there is a good reason.

I have a good friend from childhood who grew up in a really toxic household. Both parents were alcoholics -- they were drinking first thing in the morning. It was scary to be there sometimes. (I lived nearby.) Craziness, anger, shouting, drunk driving.

When my friend grew up she got therapy. She said, "My parents did the best they could." I couldn't believe it. I really admire her for that. REALLY.

PP, your DH sounds toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

Is it, though? I see it as a mark of success that my kids believe that every family is normal, emotionally calm and loving. Why would I want them to know the hell I went through to give it to them? The whole point was to shield them from that hard stuff. (And if you did shield them from it, it isn’t their fault that they didn’t know about it.)

Interesting perspective. I just think that people walk around the world happier if they feel grateful for their good fortune.

Honestly that sounds dysfunctional and what an emotionally abusive person would say. It's one thing for people to be happy and enjoy their childhoods, it's another for a parent to tell them to be grateful.

I expected a thank you, too. It was a lot of hard work!! They probably won't get it until they have kids themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your AC child express appreciation for your parenting? I don't expect constant praise of course. It was a labor of love, but I guess I hoped that by her age (recent college grad) she would start to appreciate the family she has. The sacrifices that have been made. The quality of life we have given her. She just seems to take it all for granted, which is a little disappointing.

Is it, though? I see it as a mark of success that my kids believe that every family is normal, emotionally calm and loving. Why would I want them to know the hell I went through to give it to them? The whole point was to shield them from that hard stuff. (And if you did shield them from it, it isn’t their fault that they didn’t know about it.)

Interesting perspective. I just think that people walk around the world happier if they feel grateful for their good fortune.

Honestly that sounds dysfunctional and what an emotionally abusive person would say. It's one thing for people to be happy and enjoy their childhoods, it's another for a parent to tell them to be grateful.

I think that, generally, people who recognize their good fortune (which includes a hefty dose of luck) and are grateful are happier, but I don't think that it's great for parents to expect their kids to be grateful for their parenting. As we get older, we naturally do develop an understanding of what parenting involves, and we figure out how our parents sacrificed for us, we compare our childhoods to others and see the ways in which we were fortunate. But that's not really a perspective that a young adult has yet. And, frankly, kids SHOULD be able to take for granted that their parents love them unconditionally and will do their best to provide them with the things they need.