Pendente Lite Guideline vs Actual Spousal Support (in VA) -- How did it compare in your case? SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the courts doesn't seem to be alimony. It seems to be childcare. The childcare stipend someone has to pay to support children is way too small and does not cover college at all. And people will fight custody just so they don't have to pay it which is weird because actually having custody is more expensive.

Yep! My exH just told our son to take on student loans or work in college. He's also pushing him to study away from home, in a different state so that dad could bring women in his house.

I told son to continue living with parents and go for BA degree in DMV area. It's totally crazy to take loans while your dad is a multi millionaire and honestly this education is not even worth the loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. I got alimony for life. I was married for 24 years. I was a SAHM. My ex is a doctor with a high salary.

Which state and percentage of his salary were you awarded, age at the time of divorce?

Age, 48. I get $120,00 a year tax free for the first 8 years. My alimony goes down every year till I reach the age of 65. After that I get $36,000 a year tax free.

He makes $650,000 a year.

My a..hole exH was "fired" just as I filed for divorce. Then went back to the same company as a "consultant", right after signing the settlement agreement.

How do you plan for your retirement? It's a nice alimony but without assets or savings after 65 y.o. it will be tight..

You need to work. There’s no reason an able bodied 48 year old can’t get a job.

I work and happy without his alimony. But I was just lucky to secure a job after 10 years SAHM. This doesn't change the fact that he's a a-hole. Who "fires" himself and gets severance at 54, just so he didn't have to pay alimony and higher CS? He basically ripped off his own child.

His income 1st year after divorce was settled is $2mm/year. I am taking him back to court for a different child support in the fall. If I make 150K and he makes $2mm, there is something wrong with him paying only $1300/month in CS!

Most judges would not have called him out on the timing of his "firing." Also, most lawyers would have hired a professional to determine his earning potential. I'd go back to court on this one.

Meant: Most judges would have called him out

My salary is higher than what his alimony would have been, and I am building my resume. Going to court back than trying to call him out meant missing another 2 years of my life, work history and health, in addition to $200K in legal fees. He also could had forced sale of marital assets causing me even higher financial harm vs me just loosing his alimony. So I settled and got marital assets I wanted intact.

I know that alimony cannot be changed after I signed MSA, but I am taking him back to court for the child support. He's incredibly cheap with our son, and refuses to pay his college expenses.

What state did you divorce in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. I got alimony for life. I was married for 24 years. I was a SAHM. My ex is a doctor with a high salary.

Which state and percentage of his salary were you awarded, age at the time of divorce?

Age, 48. I get $120,00 a year tax free for the first 8 years. My alimony goes down every year till I reach the age of 65. After that I get $36,000 a year tax free.

He makes $650,000 a year.

My a..hole exH was "fired" just as I filed for divorce. Then went back to the same company as a "consultant", right after signing the settlement agreement.

How do you plan for your retirement? It's a nice alimony but without assets or savings after 65 y.o. it will be tight..

You need to work. There’s no reason an able bodied 48 year old can’t get a job.

I work and happy without his alimony. But I was just lucky to secure a job after 10 years SAHM. This doesn't change the fact that he's a a-hole. Who "fires" himself and gets severance at 54, just so he didn't have to pay alimony and higher CS? He basically ripped off his own child.

His income 1st year after divorce was settled is $2mm/year. I am taking him back to court for a different child support in the fall. If I make 150K and he makes $2mm, there is something wrong with him paying only $1300/month in CS!

Most judges would not have called him out on the timing of his "firing." Also, most lawyers would have hired a professional to determine his earning potential. I'd go back to court on this one.

Meant: Most judges would have called him out

My salary is higher than what his alimony would have been, and I am building my resume. Going to court back than trying to call him out meant missing another 2 years of my life, work history and health, in addition to $200K in legal fees. He also could had forced sale of marital assets causing me even higher financial harm vs me just loosing his alimony. So I settled and got marital assets I wanted intact.

I know that alimony cannot be changed after I signed MSA, but I am taking him back to court for the child support. He's incredibly cheap with our son, and refuses to pay his college expenses.

What state did you divorce in?

DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

If you're too proud to fold towels at Kohls, that's your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

If you're too proud to fold towels at Kohls, that's your problem.

And this last one should be a guidance for any woman whose husband wants her to "focus on household". This is exactly what he would tell in 15 years while upgrading for a new shiny young thing!.

I believe marriage is a very unsafe financial contract for women, unless you negotiate a stone clad postnup before even having babies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the courts doesn't seem to be alimony. It seems to be childcare. The childcare stipend someone has to pay to support children is way too small and does not cover college at all. And people will fight custody just so they don't have to pay it which is weird because actually having custody is more expensive.

I don't agree but whatever the case, the issue is really control over how the money is spent. I am much happier having custody and making sure my money is actually spent on my children for things I think they need, rather than write a big check to my ex who then decides what to spend it on or maybe doesn't spend it on the kids at all.

When I was married, I already paid for everything the kids did, so being divorced didn't change anything.

As for college, the fact of the matter is that when you divorce, you are now paying to maintain two households, which means that you have less money in total. That means less money available for retirement and college, among other things. If the money isn't there for college, it isn't there. That's just part of the damage you do to your kids when you get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

If you're too proud to fold towels at Kohls, that's your problem.

And this last one should be a guidance for any woman whose husband wants her to "focus on household". This is exactly what he would tell in 15 years while upgrading for a new shiny young thing!.

I believe marriage is a very unsafe financial contract for women, unless you negotiate a stone clad postnup before even having babies

It's unsafe for men, too. Your wife can decamp at any time for any reason and take half your net worth with her.

I'm not sure what this "postnup" would do that the divorce laws don't already do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the courts doesn't seem to be alimony. It seems to be childcare. The childcare stipend someone has to pay to support children is way too small and does not cover college at all. And people will fight custody just so they don't have to pay it which is weird because actually having custody is more expensive.

I don't agree but whatever the case, the issue is really control over how the money is spent. I am much happier having custody and making sure my money is actually spent on my children for things I think they need, rather than write a big check to my ex who then decides what to spend it on or maybe doesn't spend it on the kids at all.

When I was married, I already paid for everything the kids did, so being divorced didn't change anything.

As for college, the fact of the matter is that when you divorce, you are now paying to maintain two households, which means that you have less money in total. That means less money available for retirement and college, among other things. If the money isn't there for college, it isn't there. That's just part of the damage you do to your kids when you get divorced.

I am one of the PP and thankfully my attorney was able to trick a little bit his attorneys by adding a phrase that college living expenses are paid from child support. This is why I am now going back to court try to revise the child support. Because what he pays won't cover any dorm
He has plenty of money, just wants to "punish" me by not paying for son's college expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

If you're too proud to fold towels at Kohls, that's your problem.

And this last one should be a guidance for any woman whose husband wants her to "focus on household". This is exactly what he would tell in 15 years while upgrading for a new shiny young thing!.

I believe marriage is a very unsafe financial contract for women, unless you negotiate a stone clad postnup before even having babies

It's unsafe for men, too. Your wife can decamp at any time for any reason and take half your net worth with her.

I'm not sure what this "postnup" would do that the divorce laws don't already do.

Yeah, I don’t honestly get why a man would need to sign a post-nup. The divorce laws already favor the SAHM significantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

If you're too proud to fold towels at Kohls, that's your problem.

And this last one should be a guidance for any woman whose husband wants her to "focus on household". This is exactly what he would tell in 15 years while upgrading for a new shiny young thing!.

I believe marriage is a very unsafe financial contract for women, unless you negotiate a stone clad postnup before even having babies

It's unsafe for men, too. Your wife can decamp at any time for any reason and take half your net worth with her.

I'm not sure what this "postnup" would do that the divorce laws don't already do.

Alimony would be in postnup, if a higher paying spouse insists that the lower paying spouse pushing back on her/his career. Then there won't be a need to spend $200K in divorce court to get that alimony. Assets are divided 50/50 and CS are determined by default formula so these are less contentious issues to fight over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

If you're too proud to fold towels at Kohls, that's your problem.

And this last one should be a guidance for any woman whose husband wants her to "focus on household". This is exactly what he would tell in 15 years while upgrading for a new shiny young thing!.

I believe marriage is a very unsafe financial contract for women, unless you negotiate a stone clad postnup before even having babies

It's unsafe for men, too. Your wife can decamp at any time for any reason and take half your net worth with her.

I'm not sure what this "postnup" would do that the divorce laws don't already do.

Yeah, I don’t honestly get why a man would need to sign a post-nup. The divorce laws already favor the SAHM significantly.

No, they are not. It could be extremely costly to get alimony in court, and SAH parent rarely has funds to fight. I would have never agreed to be SAHM if I could foresee the future. My ex was extremely oppositional to my corporate career: threw tantrums over me being on work calls in the mornings or evenings, didn't want to pay for a nanny etc. I should have continued working unilaterally and hired and live-in nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the courts doesn't seem to be alimony. It seems to be childcare. The childcare stipend someone has to pay to support children is way too small and does not cover college at all. And people will fight custody just so they don't have to pay it which is weird because actually having custody is more expensive.

I don't agree but whatever the case, the issue is really control over how the money is spent. I am much happier having custody and making sure my money is actually spent on my children for things I think they need, rather than write a big check to my ex who then decides what to spend it on or maybe doesn't spend it on the kids at all.

When I was married, I already paid for everything the kids did, so being divorced didn't change anything.

As for college, the fact of the matter is that when you divorce, you are now paying to maintain two households, which means that you have less money in total. That means less money available for retirement and college, among other things. If the money isn't there for college, it isn't there. That's just part of the damage you do to your kids when you get divorced.

I was coming from a place where my attorney said guys argue over childcare so they can pay less but then don't use their days. The mom rarely argues because she wants the kids the house so will take the reduced paycheck. I don't really understand the college issue in DCUM world. It's a given that most of the jobs around here require college degrees and most of the adults in this area have them. So your child should have them too. Who else is going to take over your IT position if not your child when you retire? So college when both parents went to college should be part of the equation unless you qualify for aid. And the average salary on DCUM is something like $200k so there is definitely money for college. If you can pay childcare for K-18 you can pay at least that same amount for the college years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

If you're too proud to fold towels at Kohls, that's your problem.

And this last one should be a guidance for any woman whose husband wants her to "focus on household". This is exactly what he would tell in 15 years while upgrading for a new shiny young thing!.

I believe marriage is a very unsafe financial contract for women, unless you negotiate a stone clad postnup before even having babies

It's unsafe for men, too. Your wife can decamp at any time for any reason and take half your net worth with her.

I'm not sure what this "postnup" would do that the divorce laws don't already do.

Yeah, I don’t honestly get why a man would need to sign a post-nup. The divorce laws already favor the SAHM significantly.

No, they are not. It could be extremely costly to get alimony in court, and SAH parent rarely has funds to fight. I would have never agreed to be SAHM if I could foresee the future. My ex was extremely oppositional to my corporate career: threw tantrums over me being on work calls in the mornings or evenings, didn't want to pay for a nanny etc. I should have continued working unilaterally and hired and live-in nanny

Agreed these men didnt want to deal with household duties then and don't want to now either. Either pay for the mom to stay home or pay for someone else to watch the kids. Both are expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

I think you’re wrong about consent for staying home. I know lots of families where the working spouse does not want the other spouse to be SAH. Heck, read DCUM. I think people acquiesce be wise they get tired of arguing about it. But that’s different than consent.

That was my situation. Now exW took years off, even when we didn't have kids. And she didn't use her time at home to take care of the house or the children. One year while she was not working DD spent the year in all-day day care. Her not working was a huge source of stress in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

I think you’re wrong about consent for staying home. I know lots of families where the working spouse does not want the other spouse to be SAH. Heck, read DCUM. I think people acquiesce be wise they get tired of arguing about it. But that’s different than consent.

That was my situation. Now exW took years off, even when we didn't have kids. And she didn't use her time at home to take care of the house or the children. One year while she was not working DD spent the year in all-day day care. Her not working was a huge source of stress in my life.

And for situations like this you could have signed a postnup stating that she refuses alimony if 1) there are no kids or 2)she doesnt' go back to work after getting her degree

My situation was totally different: autistic SN child, calls from school almost every week when son beat somebody up or reading diagonally, driving to therapies etc. Even policy was called to our house when our 12 yo became violent and locked us out destroying furniture inside.
ExH insisted I didn't work. Then "upgraded" me in 15 years when son's mental health improved