Reimbursement

[Anonymous]

Don't spend what you don't have/can't afford and this won't be an issue for parents and/or children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents paid for your expensive college and grad school & living expenses for you and bought you a starter home, are you obligated to support them in their retirement? Would there be an expectation?

If the success you are experiencing is because your parents paid for college, then yes, you do owe them reimbursement in the event that they need it. Although my parents did pay for my college, I didn't need to go to college in order to have the job I have now. The career I'm in is one I could've started as soon as I graduated high school. However, in my family, going to college wasn't even a question. Even all 4 of my grandparents got some sort of college degree. By the time I was a senior in high school, my parents had successfully brainwashed me into thinking college was the only way to be successful.

My social circle didn't help either. Everyone who went to my high school went on to have their college education paid for by their families. You can't expect a teenager under that much peer/family pressure to even consider the fact that they might not have to waste their parents' money on a college education to be successful in the long-run.

So, considering that my parents were the ones who insisted that I go to college, I don't feel like I owe them anything. It's not like I got down on my knees and begged them for a college education. If anything, I resent the fact that 4 years of potential earnings for have been wasted; 4 precious years that I can never get back.

[Anonymous]

If you can't see any value in education other than ROI then obviously college was a waste of their money and your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, and no.

Biology flows downhill.

Not always, a kid can cause parents to become mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t expect this of my kids. But, I would expect them to do the same for their kids. I don’t expect or want to be paid back. But, I do Think tHeY should paY it forward.

[Anonymous]

I might feel obligated if my parents hadn't circumcised me when I was 8 days old. But nothing you do for your child can make up for unnecessarily amputating them against their will.

[Anonymous]

I have a brother who died before I was born. I can't imagine my parents would want to outlive him longer than they already have by the time they're too old to work. Right now, they're in their 70s and in good health physically, but I'm sure they're riddled with guilt over the fact that every breath they're taking is one their first child is not. I think they secretly want that to end as soon as possible. There would be something terribly wrong with them if they didn't feel that way.

[Anonymous]

My dad lives with me. He and I don't like each other. We are asian and that's whats done in our culture. We interact with each other as minimally as possible. He does not want to go to a retirement community and can no longer live alone. My siblings are very good about coming to visit when I need them to. I try to remember every day that I have to be okay with how I feel about him and interact with him now because once he's gone it's too late to change anything. For now, I'm okay with how I feel.

He did not pay for college and provided my mom minimal child support each month. She worked 2 jobs while he did who knows what. Growing up I did not have a good relationship with him. I absolutely hated having to go to his house. Mostly because as a teenager he felt his weekend = his time and anything that I had planned with my friends didn't matter. I still resent him for that--I feel it every time a soon to be divorced parent posts about 50/50 custody. Maybe if he had 50/50, our relationship would be different but every time I see it posted, I think for me that would have been hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a brother who died before I was born. I can't imagine my parents would want to outlive him longer than they already have by the time they're too old to work. Right now, they're in their 70s and in good health physically, but I'm sure they're riddled with guilt over the fact that every breath they're taking is one their first child is not. I think they secretly want that to end as soon as possible. There would be something terribly wrong with them if they didn't feel that way.

What? Unless somehow your parents are at fault for your brother’s death, why would they feel guilty that he died?

Yes, of course, they feel sadness that he did not live to be an adult, and that grief will never go away, but they shouldn’t feel guilty that they are still alive and he is not. And they certainly shouldn’t feel that they don’t deserve to live much longer because of their guilty feelings.

It sounds as though you are imagining for some reason that they feel this way, but if they have truly expressed these feelings and they appear to be depressed because of them, you could help them by suggesting and supporting them in getting therapy. They are only in their mid 70s and in good physical health- they can enjoy many more years if they also have good mental health.

[Anonymous]

Imagine someone making the incredibly selfish decision to have children then telling those children to pay them back. No, children don't owe their parents money back. If that's the parent's mindset, they should not have had children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Guessing the ungrateful offspring have upgraded from the Starter Home to the Forever Home, and you are more or less unhoused.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like your parents set you up pretty well in life and you are now looking for reassurance that it's okay to not assist them in their final years. Now maybe you are justified in not helping them -- for example, if you are experiencing financial hardship yourself or they blew all their money gambling. It sounds like you view the relationship as transactional because you are referring to the ideas as "reimbursement."

My parents did not have the means to pay for my education, let alone buy me a house. I make a reasonable salary as a Fed but am certainly not wealthy. But I can't imagine not assisting, within my means, if needed. (And I have.) They never asked, but there have been times where help as needed.

You are not obligated to help, and we don't know your circumstances. But if you are comfortable financially, I can't understand not being there for a parent in need.

[Anonymous]

Money rolls downhill.

But no, I wouldn't allow my parents to be homeless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your parents set you up pretty well in life and you are now looking for reassurance that it's okay to not assist them in their final years. Now maybe you are justified in not helping them -- for example, if you are experiencing financial hardship yourself or they blew all their money gambling. It sounds like you view the relationship as transactional because you are referring to the ideas as "reimbursement."

My parents did not have the means to pay for my education, let alone buy me a house. I make a reasonable salary as a Fed but am certainly not wealthy. But I can't imagine not assisting, within my means, if needed. (And I have.) They never asked, but there have been times where help as needed.

You are not obligated to help, and we don't know your circumstances. But if you are comfortable financially, I can't understand not being there for a parent in need.

What if the OP's mother is over 80 and/or the OP's father is over 75? Shouldn't it be good enough for them that they've lived way longer than most people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, and no.

Biology flows downhill.

So does shit apparently. This is the breakdown of society -- people don't even have to care for their own parents. How can they be expected to care about neighbors, community members, fellow Americans?

Pathetic attitude, PP. Truly shocking.

My rule of thumb is that if you're not too old to deserve to be alive, you're not too old to be able to care for yourself.