How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their

[Anonymous]

This is what happens when:

1. Parents have been too controlling for year and teen is completely fed up with it and acting out in retaliation.
2. Teen has behavioral issues stemming from a psychiatric disorder or learning disabilities.
3. Parents did 1 because of 2 but it didn't go down so well.

But the harsh reality is that 18 year olds get to decide, and cannot lawfully be controlled by their parents.

I would have more sympathy if you'd explained that this was a young person with issues, whose parents had tried very hard to get help for, with medication/therapies/tutoring/etc, but that ultimately there has been a break in their relationship which led to the current situation, and that everyone fears for the teen's safety (drugs, pregnancy, assault and abuse) because she has a history of making poor choices.

But no. You just blame the young woman and appear to believe that parents can legally control an 18 year old.

[Anonymous]

This must be a troll. They could certainly tie financial support including housing to behavioral expectations but since that doesn’t apply they have no power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what culture did you grow up in that you don’t understand that adults are adults once they turn 18 and are allowed to do whatever they want if they’re not financially dependent on or living with parents?

Yeah, if not a troll, OP is clearly originally from another country and refuses to understand that the niece is American and all this nonsense about curfews and phones OP is spewing is meaningless and absurd to an American adult.

OP here. We are American, born and raised and so were our parents.

Are you evangelical Christians, who believe women should be “pure” and submissive to their parents, until they’re ready to be submissive to a husband? Because I can see how that would make an 18yo woman run a mile, and fast.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to explain anything to her. You’re not her parent.

[Anonymous]

OP reads like a teenager but I can’t figure out a teen’s motivation in writing this (besides trolling which is probably it).

Maybe a younger sibling who has been brainwashed by parents into villainizing an older sister who’s fed up with an over controlling household and escaped the second she could.

[Anonymous]

This is a great reminder of why you slowly give your teens more control and responsibility as they grow older. Even with that, a lot of them will goof off at 18 or a year or two but hopefully self-correct by 20.

[Anonymous]

There will be adults on the trip. They are adults.

They had from birth to 18 to raise her as they wished. The raising is done and she is a product of it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pps who think this post is by the teen herself. In the slim chance it's not, the parents should be changing their approach if they hope to have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:parents doesn’t mean they are free to do whatever they want.

Ever since my niece turned 18 2 months ago she decided she no longer had to abide by her parent’s rules as long as she was refusing financial help from them. She stayed out all night and refused to come home for days, claiming my sister and her husband are too controlling like setting a curfew or limits on cell phones. She bought her own cell phone to skirt her parents reasonable restrictions on the cell phone like most parents of teens do. She kept insisting she didn't have to follow her parents rules regarding the cell phone because she paid for the cell phone herself and is refusing financial help from her parents.

My niece plans to take a week trip to Myrtle beach with her friends on Monday and there will be no adult supervision. No matter how many times her parents told her no she insists she will do it and her parents can’t tell her what to do because she refuses their financial support. Shes not even living with them but her parents often stop by but she starts yelling at them to go away. The problem is she makes very irresponsible decisions like going into large crowds during a pandemic or sleeping around with random men some who have criminal records. I told her part of being an adult is acting like one and making responsible decisions. “iM eIgHtEeN i CaN dO wHaT i WaNt” is not being an adult.

Well the time for that conversation was a while ago. There are things called common courtesy. Also I told my kids long ago of course they will make mistakes just don’t make any permanent ones (addiction, arrest, pregnancy, tattoos). But if she is truly financially emancipated to the point of not even living at home, there isn’t much they or you can do. In fact, the fact that an aunt or uncle is posting about this on social media suggests that her complaints about overly restrictive adults in her life may have some validity.

[Anonymous]

Her parents have to change their understanding of what their relationship with their daughter is. They need to stop trying to control her and see if they can move to a place where they pick and choose their battles, and where they serve as advisers rather than commanders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 18 and not taking their money, so they can’t actually stop her. How is she supporting herself?

OnlyFans

But of course.

[Anonymous]

18 does make you an adult. Maybe not one who makes mature, responsible decisions, but legally she’s on her own.

In your sister’s shoes I’d back off and let the chips fall where they may. It’s hard to do when it’s someone you love, but the fight is too big. They just have to make their feelings known to their child and spell out what they imagine to be the consequences, and then let the “adult” live her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m big on “18 doesn’t make you an adult” BUT I’m team niece here.

An 18 year old high school student living at home and expecting mom and dad to cough up $100K ++ for college tuition needs to follow house rules.

An 18 year old with mental health issues must get treatment.

But an 18 year old with a job and a place to live does not need to follow anyone’s rules on cell phone usage or beach trips!

I’m wondering if this is the teen writing and skewing the real issue. This post doesn’t pass the smell test for me.

Dear teen, do you have a part time job and you are temporarily living with a friend? Doesn’t count. Do you have an actual full time job with benefits? Go enjoy your life.

+1

It must be frustrating to see them living life so carelessly, however, if she's fully supporting herself and out of the home there is very little you or her parents can do.

I had couple of friends who did that at 18 and they turned out ok. Some happily married and some single parenting. Some rough patches alone the way, but that was their choice.

We all want the best for our kids but under the law they can do whatever they want after 18. Good and bad.

Maybe turn the page, treat her like an adult and become a friend?