Accepting an aged parent’s “ghetto” mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My IlLs with grad degrees and successful careers watch trash tv all day long, it’s one trashy soap opera/reality show after another. I am shocked at what they watch and how much and they will literally plan their day around this. This is in Eastern Europe btw, so no an American thing. I think they are just old and tired and want to veg, physically and mentally.

This is interesting. My inlaws with advanced degrees, world travelers who speak 3 different language, etc., also started watching Fox, Dr. Oz, etc all day. It is bewildering.

[Anonymous]

OP- I have a mother with a similar situation. My best advice is to set up a time twice a month or every week where you take her to different things (that aren’t gambling). Baltimore waterfront, a restaurant, the movies,the mall, a show or even to just eat at the top of the Kennedy center. Make it seem like YOU need help, badly and need to spend time with her. That will slowly break her out of it. Your mom sounds amazing, so good luck!

[Anonymous]

How long has she been retired? I found that when my parents and in laws retired, they wanted to rest for a year or two. Needed to decompress some. Then they were slowly able to get interested in other stuff.

Do you take her to the casino occasionally? Maybe it would be a nice way to connect and spend time doing an activity she enjoys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has she been retired? I found that when my parents and in laws retired, they wanted to rest for a year or two. Needed to decompress some. Then they were slowly able to get interested in other stuff.

Do you take her to the casino occasionally? Maybe it would be a nice way to connect and spend time doing an activity she enjoys?

OP again. She’s been retired for a decade and this has gotten more pronounced over time. I don’t live in the DMV. I appreciate so ma you the sensitive takes I’ve read here, thank you all.

[Anonymous]

^ “so many of the sensitive takes” - sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please ask Jeff to edit your thread title.

I don’t think it’s necessary, but I’m sorry to have offended some.

Peak DCUM. A bunch of white posters want a biracial woman to apologize for using the word ghetto.

+1

Yep! And good for you OP for ignoring. What a bunch of insufferable, virtue-signaling, pearl clutchers.

+1 the absurdity of American discourse today. People desperately look for a word they find offensive which they can then use to disregard and avoid the larger discussion. OP, I'm with you. It's sad your mom has worked her whole life, supported everyone around her and now has no idea what to do with her free time. I can imagine doing a thousand different things if I retired tomorrow. Help her find something. is there a hobby you could do together? How does your white dad deal with a wife who thinks of activities in terms of "white." I mean, you aren't encouraging her to play polo. Going to museums is for white people? Is that because she thinks only white people can appreciate history or art? Weird. I do think she could benefit from some sort of therapy or support group for "family rocks".

[Anonymous]

As a retired mom…..mind your own business. Let her do what makes her happy.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I get it. My mom is semi retired and deeply unhappy and isolated. She watches soaps and the Today show and that’s about it. She used to run a business and have plenty of connections—now she doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Your mother went through a lot of trauma, has had a difficult life, but by your own statement, was a kind mother and is a good grandmother.

It sounds like a tired, traumatized mentality. Yes, it would be nice if your mother sought healing for her difficult origins. But your "ghetto mentality" seems to just mean you are having difficulty accepting your mom is from a different socioeconomic background than you, and has interests that reflect how she grew up. Your suggestions and criticisms of her really do seem more an issue of your class anxiety than concern that your mom do something- anything- that might improve her depression. I can relate in the my aging parent enjoys similar activities to your mom, and yes, I do personally find them trashy and uninteresting. But that's my deal. I do also know that my parent and I *are* from different class backgrounds, and thus the past times we'll find enjoyable will differ. You'd do well to accept this about your mother, too. Stop hoping she'll start enjoying museums. If your mom feels those kids of activities are for "other people," then they ARE for other people. Not for her.

I get wanting her to engage more with the world to help her depression. Can you think of suggestions that would actually appeal to her, and not your fantasy of who your mom "should" be?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster above...your mom is a different person, with different interests and capacities. You would find her life deadening but it is what she created. She has a different mind than you. Absorbing that emotionally, can be very hard. It's disappointing and you probably wish she did more so you could worry less, right? but it's not likely she will change to alleviate your worries. Nor should she have to. That's your work.

As the daughter of an immigrant mother who is also rigid, set in what she will do, who is cloistered and honestly,, just not a very well developed person I can say it did take years to accept. Because you have a mind that maybe is self aware and active and curious you may assume she can try to be the same. But she may lack the desire to be different or the curiosity. She may be limited.. We all want to imagine a retirement that is enriching, healthy, stimulating, etc for our parents. But that's a fantasy of yours. You have to work on accepting she is unlikely to change. If she does change it will come from her...there'sno easy answer, people spend years in therapy accepting their parents for who they are. There is no quick fix, I'm sorry. Therapy could help




You are projecting a lot of expectations on to who your mother should be, what she should like, etc.It's very human but

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the errors in above post at the end. Meant to delete it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother went through a lot of trauma, has had a difficult life, but by your own statement, was a kind mother and is a good grandmother.

It sounds like a tired, traumatized mentality. Yes, it would be nice if your mother sought healing for her difficult origins. But your "ghetto mentality" seems to just mean you are having difficulty accepting your mom is from a different socioeconomic background than you, and has interests that reflect how she grew up. Your suggestions and criticisms of her really do seem more an issue of your class anxiety than concern that your mom do something- anything- that might improve her depression. I can relate in the my aging parent enjoys similar activities to your mom, and yes, I do personally find them trashy and uninteresting. But that's my deal. I do also know that my parent and I *are* from different class backgrounds, and thus the past times we'll find enjoyable will differ. You'd do well to accept this about your mother, too. Stop hoping she'll start enjoying museums. If your mom feels those kids of activities are for "other people," then they ARE for other people. Not for her.

I get wanting her to engage more with the world to help her depression. Can you think of suggestions that would actually appeal to her, and not your fantasy of who your mom "should" be?

This is really rather unfair. I don’t have class anxiety. At all. I don’t feel ashamed for or of her, but her non-stop TV viewing and lack of engagement in the world seems to exacerbate her anxiety and depression, both of which she’s discussed with non-psychiatric doctors, my father, my brother, and me, but she does not want any form of treatment. I personally don’t like the word “trashy” and mos def wouldn’t use it to describe my mom or any of my relatives who had no advantage by opportunity or inclination for more education or different pursuits. I do resent the idea that not wanting my mom to only watch tv and play slots is pure snobbery - that’s a fantasy and a projection, not reality. I do appreciate the food for thought, and the fact that you and others note that I love her, and know she is so kind and very deserving of the biggest #! Grandma mug. The comments about trauma are also, as before, very helpful, very empathetic and thought-provoking, and continue to make me reflect and feel even more empathy for my mom, who I love forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother went through a lot of trauma, has had a difficult life, but by your own statement, was a kind mother and is a good grandmother.

It sounds like a tired, traumatized mentality. Yes, it would be nice if your mother sought healing for her difficult origins. But your "ghetto mentality" seems to just mean you are having difficulty accepting your mom is from a different socioeconomic background than you, and has interests that reflect how she grew up. Your suggestions and criticisms of her really do seem more an issue of your class anxiety than concern that your mom do something- anything- that might improve her depression. I can relate in the my aging parent enjoys similar activities to your mom, and yes, I do personally find them trashy and uninteresting. But that's my deal. I do also know that my parent and I *are* from different class backgrounds, and thus the past times we'll find enjoyable will differ. You'd do well to accept this about your mother, too. Stop hoping she'll start enjoying museums. If your mom feels those kids of activities are for "other people," then they ARE for other people. Not for her.

I get wanting her to engage more with the world to help her depression. Can you think of suggestions that would actually appeal to her, and not your fantasy of who your mom "should" be?

This is really rather unfair. I don’t have class anxiety. At all. I don’t feel ashamed for or of her, but her non-stop TV viewing and lack of engagement in the world seems to exacerbate her anxiety and depression, both of which she’s discussed with non-psychiatric doctors, my father, my brother, and me, but she does not want any form of treatment. I personally don’t like the word “trashy” and mos def wouldn’t use it to describe my mom or any of my relatives who had no advantage by opportunity or inclination for more education or different pursuits. I do resent the idea that not wanting my mom to only watch tv and play slots is pure snobbery - that’s a fantasy and a projection, not reality. I do appreciate the food for thought, and the fact that you and others note that I love her, and know she is so kind and very deserving of the biggest #! Grandma mug. The comments about trauma are also, as before, very helpful, very empathetic and thought-provoking, and continue to make me reflect and feel even more empathy for my mom, who I love forever.

Not pp, of course we understand you love her. You just can't change her. That's the hard, bitter pill. Many of us have been there. Most of us have experiences with relatives who could be healthier if they just tried, took the meds, got the help, stopped the drugs, etc. Except change has to come from them. I'm sorry. I hear your anguish.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing easy about accepting your parent's decline. Ever. It is painful, deeply sad and one of the hardest parts of being an adult. And acceptance if it comes as it did for me, was and is a process with a lot of tears and sadness. It is a form of grieving, even though she is alive. I am sorry you are feeling it but you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother went through a lot of trauma, has had a difficult life, but by your own statement, was a kind mother and is a good grandmother.

It sounds like a tired, traumatized mentality. Yes, it would be nice if your mother sought healing for her difficult origins. But your "ghetto mentality" seems to just mean you are having difficulty accepting your mom is from a different socioeconomic background than you, and has interests that reflect how she grew up. Your suggestions and criticisms of her really do seem more an issue of your class anxiety than concern that your mom do something- anything- that might improve her depression. I can relate in the my aging parent enjoys similar activities to your mom, and yes, I do personally find them trashy and uninteresting. But that's my deal. I do also know that my parent and I *are* from different class backgrounds, and thus the past times we'll find enjoyable will differ. You'd do well to accept this about your mother, too. Stop hoping she'll start enjoying museums. If your mom feels those kids of activities are for "other people," then they ARE for other people. Not for her.

I get wanting her to engage more with the world to help her depression. Can you think of suggestions that would actually appeal to her, and not your fantasy of who your mom "should" be?

This is really rather unfair. I don’t have class anxiety. At all. I don’t feel ashamed for or of her, but her non-stop TV viewing and lack of engagement in the world seems to exacerbate her anxiety and depression, both of which she’s discussed with non-psychiatric doctors, my father, my brother, and me, but she does not want any form of treatment. I personally don’t like the word “trashy” and mos def wouldn’t use it to describe my mom or any of my relatives who had no advantage by opportunity or inclination for more education or different pursuits. I do resent the idea that not wanting my mom to only watch tv and play slots is pure snobbery - that’s a fantasy and a projection, not reality. I do appreciate the food for thought, and the fact that you and others note that I love her, and know she is so kind and very deserving of the biggest #! Grandma mug. The comments about trauma are also, as before, very helpful, very empathetic and thought-provoking, and continue to make me reflect and feel even more empathy for my mom, who I love forever.

I am not trying to be unfair to you, OP. I get that the word "trashy" is off-putting to you- I certainly don't think finding my mom's hobbies trashy is evidence of me being in touch with my higher self! As I said, it's my own baggage. I similarly find your use of "ghetto" to describe your mom's mentality off-putting.

I wish my mom had different interests, too. My mom loves watching the news and gambling. I'm also non-white (but not biracial, either). It really sounds like a very similar set up to your family, down to the dysfunction and incarceration among extended family. (A big difference is that my mom was not a kind and competent mother, unlike how you describe your mom.) And while I do think my mom would be happier going for walks, getting out in nature, having more social connection etc., I have come to accept she just isn't going to like the same things I like. I feel sad for the childhood she had, and know that she's never really addressed the long-lasting effects of it, and I know she likely never will. The thing is, even if my mom gave museums, volunteering, hiking (all things I like) a really good effort, I do not think her nervous system's wiring would allow her to enjoy them. Her nervous system wants stress, drama, and chaos. Gambling gives that to her. Family chaos gives that to her. Watching political theatre on TV gives that to her. She does not want therapy and does not want to change. It is her life.

You mentioned that reading is one of the hobbies you think would be nice for your mom to pursue. I gift my mom gambling memoirs. Meeting her halfway.