Accepting an aged parent’s “ghetto” mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t leave your mama alone!!! Girl. She is tired. With a capital T. Tired of being the bank. Tired of being the responsible one. Try to help bring her joy where she is. You, your brother, and your dad need to stop trying to “fix” her. She isn’t broken.

PS - calling your mother ghetto is a TERRIBLE reflection on you.

[Anonymous]

Please ask Jeff to edit your thread title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing to appreciate is that people's levels of energy decrease a lot, and at various rates, upon aging. When my parents reached 70 I noticed that they just got tired a lot faster. So it could be that she is just really, really tired.

In addition to the PP who thoughtfully zero'ed in on the trauma issue, it may also be that she is struggling with a loss of identity since---from what you wrote---she was always the family savior/manager. Could it be that she is afraid that unless she sticks with the hobbies and lifestyles of her sibs that they won't love and include her since she isn't the "bank" anymore?

What was your nuclear family culture growing up? Your expectations of what you envision a retirement should be are very focused on intellectual/UMC pursuits, while what your mom is doing is more of a working class model. Could it be that your mom was always caught between two worlds---the needs of her high poverty/constant crisis family vs. your bi-racial, more financially stable one. Does your mom feel judged by you and your dad?

This, 100%. This poster analyzed the situation better than a therapist would.

I see that she has a lot of trauma, but she is probably also tired. I had an immigrant mom who REFUSED to ever go back to her home country, not because she didn't want to, but because she was afraid of never wanting to come back to the U.S. She was torn her whole life, and we didn't even realize it until she refused to go back when she was retired and had all this leisure time.

[Anonymous]

I am white OP, but have a similar dynamic in my family. My parents grew up poor, so only worked and worked hard all their lives, so retirement was a bit of a shock. And, they were so exhausted.

My mom did eventually enjoy volunteering at church and helping people older or much younger than herself, so going to church and helping there was her main hobby. My dad ended up fixing lawn mowers as a side gig and did it mainly for the work and talking to the other older guys, not so much the money. Another relative went back to work in a part time job.

I think that doing something that could make a little money on the side, or helping with a religious community or non profit for poorer people might be a better fit than reading or crafts or gardening. Or, she might be really really tired of helping people.

Having a physical condition myself, having pain or struggles takes a lot out of you, and it's hard to maintain focus or motivation.

And then you have a life full of trauma and a family with their hands out all the time--my parents and I have had that too. It's hard to deal with, and you are taught to never go to therapy or discuss with others. I am currently in therapy, but my parents never went.

Like my parents (and me, for that matter), it sounds like she is not a good fit for "this area" and it doesn't really matter if she lives here or not, so I would not try to make her fit in with dc metro oriented things. Also, when you are from a "ghetto" area here, no matter what your race, people can be mean.

Maybe lean in and get her some fun streaming tv to watch to give her some variety and expose her to some new things.

Maybe see if she would like a pet? My mom ended up taking care of my cat for a while, and she loved him so much she ended up getting a cat of her own after saying she hated animals her whole life. She was just taught that animals were a "waste of money." She ended up crying more when that cat died than when her own mom died.

So, would she be interesting in animals or fostering a cat?

Would she like going to something like bingo, that might
have a similar vibe / thrill to gambling but be very low stakes?

Would she be into teaching her grandkids something practical, like how to cook or repair something? That could be a win win for both parties?

Heck, playing online games with her grandkids might help both of them as well, if she is willing.

Ultimately, it's up to her OP. It sounds like your mom has been a very strong person for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

I hate to tell you but if she didn't have hobbies/interests prior to retirement, she's not going to take up anything now. Since she likes to help people, maybe she would like to mentor, tutor or work with people in need. My 80 something year old mother volunteers at her church's food pantry and is in a few book clubs. Between that, doctor's appointments, family activities, and activities with her women's groups, she stays pretty busy. Let her gamble. It sounds like she's responsible with it and it gives her the opportunity to spend time with people. A lot of times POC don't want to seek therapy but still keep suggesting. My mother and I have started to do an outing with just us once a month. That has helped tremendously with our relationship. Good luck, I know it's hard to see parents age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing to appreciate is that people's levels of energy decrease a lot, and at various rates, upon aging. When my parents reached 70 I noticed that they just got tired a lot faster. So it could be that she is just really, really tired.

In addition to the PP who thoughtfully zero'ed in on the trauma issue, it may also be that she is struggling with a loss of identity since---from what you wrote---she was always the family savior/manager. Could it be that she is afraid that unless she sticks with the hobbies and lifestyles of her sibs that they won't love and include her since she isn't the "bank" anymore?

What was your nuclear family culture growing up? Your expectations of what you envision a retirement should be are very focused on intellectual/UMC pursuits, while what your mom is doing is more of a working class model. Could it be that your mom was always caught between two worlds---the needs of her high poverty/constant crisis family vs. your bi-racial, more financially stable one. Does your mom feel judged by you and your dad?

OP replying. This is very interesting and gives me a lot to think about. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please ask Jeff to edit your thread title.

I don’t think it’s necessary, but I’m sorry to have offended some.

[Anonymous]

OP - thank you all so much for the replies, I am taking them to heart, the trauma response post, the points about energy and rest, and the rest. Thanks to all.

[Anonymous]

"Ghetto mentality" sounds very judgy. She likes what she likes. She's not hurting anyone.

What if she liked fishing and camping, would you look down on her for it?

It seems as if you have a bigger problem with how she grew up and her relationship with her siblings than she does.

Let her live.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I think most posters are misunderstanding the OP because perhaps their own extended families are more functional. I am not reading the original post as being overly judgmental of the mother.

My own mother has retreated, over time, into the bad, dysfunctional habits of her extended family and it gets worse with age. Things that most DCUM posters would think are trashy or in bad taste my mother seems more and more accepting and enabling. No self awareness, making excuses, multiple bad decisions. For example: my mother’s side of the family has a terrible alcohol problem, they’re very bad with money, I have a few cousins who are incarcerated for very long times. My mother now has allowed my insanely alcoholic uncle to live with her, buys him his booze and financially supports him. When I was a child she probably would have never allowed us to be exposed to that drinking environment but now she has no filter and no issues exposing my kids to it (which means we don’t visit her because of it). She thinks I should visit my cousins in jail (one is in Red Onion, so that’s a hard no).

OP mentions the mother having to feel valued by being the family bank. I am sure there is plenty of dysfunction and trauma in there for his mother to unpack. OP is probably seeing his mother shed the layers of trauma now that she’s retired. It’s all she knows, how to relate and feel loved by her extended family is to do what they want (give them money, go gambling). If she doesn’t, I assume she’s afraid they won’t love her anymore.

Posters should be thankful they’re not in this position. It’s sucks as an adult to watch your parents do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please ask Jeff to edit your thread title.

I don’t think it’s necessary, but I’m sorry to have offended some.

Peak DCUM. A bunch of white posters want a biracial woman to apologize for using the word ghetto.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice just commiserating. My dad moved in with us and he blasts Fox News all day long. I have asked him to turn the volume down, given him headphones, etc. to no avail. He has a grad degree and had a good, respectable job when I was growing up. Now, he does not go anywhere or do anything even when we invite him along. Completely sedentary and eats junk food all day long. Frankly, he is an embarrassment to me. He impoverished himself, and squandered a 7 figure retirement having an affair and buying a house for the AP. He has no intellectual pursuits, doesn’t read books, and drinks a lot. Very trashy. Thankfully, my house is large enough that I can stay out of his way and my DH believes in taking care of family.

[Anonymous]

I have a retired msnbc addict mom too. I think age has drawn out her trashy side too, which shocks me and is a new thing to contend with. I have no idea where she picks up some of her new habits. She watches too much tv but she reads daily. She has plenty in the bank but pinches pennies while giving a lot to charity or friends/family. I was worried until I read your post as an outsider and want to say "leave her alone!" It was very helpful to see myself in your post and how I've been overthinking things.

[Anonymous]

Wtf. She’s old and retired and has been working hard all her life. There is a reason old people retire. It’s because they’re tired and don’t have as much energy. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I think most posters are misunderstanding the OP because perhaps their own extended families are more functional. I am not reading the original post as being overly judgmental of the mother.

My own mother has retreated, over time, into the bad, dysfunctional habits of her extended family and it gets worse with age. Things that most DCUM posters would think are trashy or in bad taste my mother seems more and more accepting and enabling. No self awareness, making excuses, multiple bad decisions. For example: my mother’s side of the family has a terrible alcohol problem, they’re very bad with money, I have a few cousins who are incarcerated for very long times. My mother now has allowed my insanely alcoholic uncle to live with her, buys him his booze and financially supports him. When I was a child she probably would have never allowed us to be exposed to that drinking environment but now she has no filter and no issues exposing my kids to it (which means we don’t visit her because of it). She thinks I should visit my cousins in jail (one is in Red Onion, so that’s a hard no).

OP mentions the mother having to feel valued by being the family bank. I am sure there is plenty of dysfunction and trauma in there for his mother to unpack. OP is probably seeing his mother shed the layers of trauma now that she’s retired. It’s all she knows, how to relate and feel loved by her extended family is to do what they want (give them money, go gambling). If she doesn’t, I assume she’s afraid they won’t love her anymore.

Posters should be thankful they’re not in this position. It’s sucks as an adult to watch your parents do this.

OP here - this is eerily close in part to my experience, thank you. It’s not me being a judgy bear because she likes country and western music, it’s not analogous to sneering at fishing, and it’s not comparable to a secret baron keeping his Latin skills on the downlow and mucking stables. It’s what you’ve described in very, very close distance. Thank you for sharing.