WWYD - my mother uses my house like a free hotel...

[Anonymous]

Yes, you need to tell her. She expects guest treatment but comes often enough to be treated like a member of the nuclear family. Help her rent a space nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you're complaining about free weekly babysitting? You know she's coming by but you're giving a senior citizen an air mattress every time? Sounds like you hate your own mother.

Sounds like mom needs to stay with you every Friday night. Let her come and criticize everything you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey mom, things are really hectic with our schedule for the next few months. I need you to ask me for specific dates when you’d like to stay here so we can discuss. Most of the time, it will be fine, but I need to plan it, and there are times that will not work.”

This, right here, is note-perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine the answers if this was her MIL. That being said, set boundaries but get a proper bed in guest room. Woman kept you in her tummy for 9 months and in her home for 18+ and she is coming for her appointments. Is there a way for her to move these appointments near her own house?

Your infantile language makes me want to vomit.
What useless drivel.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever come back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, so my mother crashes at my house EVERY WEEK. My house is closer to an appointment she goes to. She often doesn't even ask, she just tells me she's coming and shows up!

This means that every weekend, she's here for a night and half of the next day.

She does help with the kids, but she's also super intrusive and will do things like try to organize my house, make "innocent" judgey comments, or be pushy about spending time with the kids solo. She also does not listen to me about what to feed the kids - she thinks it's funny to feed them tons of sugar and crap.

This has been going on for years. A couple of months ago, we moved, and in our new house, there isn't a separate apartment for her. There is only the (smaller) main house.

In the new house, she's decided that she doesn't like sleeping on the air mattress that we set up for her in a bedroom, and that instead she will sleep on the living room couch. This feels even more invasive.

Today, she is "trapped here" because of the snow (that she "had no idea" about), so she will have to stay tonight too (ignoring the fact that I asked her at 6:30am before the snow started what her plans were because it was going to snow).

I love my mother and enjoy spending time with her when I feel like I have some choice in the matter. This arrangement worked in our old house, but in our new house, which is smaller, it feels suffocating. If we had a separate guest apartment, I'd feel differently...

I crave full weekends alone with my own family and no guests.

She's very sensitive and dramatic, so I know if I talk with her about this, it could lead to full-on tantrumming/stonewalling/seeing the kids (who love her) much less. It will also make her life much more difficult if she can't stay here, since she will have to book a hotel for those nights.

This gives me so much anxiety! Please help! Wwyd?

If she can babysit, I would get the hell out of there. Go out for date night with your husband or girl friends. Have errands you'd like to run. Whatever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do ‘date nights’ on Fridays since you have a free babysitter.

this!

You are in a tough spot. My sense is that you won't be rude or tell her she can't come anymore, so make lemonade out of lemons.

First, get that guest room a proper bed. This will give her her own space.
Second, have a sit down conversation about feeding your kids junk food. "Mom, you need to respect my parenting choices about feeding my kids. It's not funny when you sneak in food."
Third, take advantage of her being there and go out with your husband, friends.

Don't feel like you need to host her, she practically lives with you.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you have bedbugs. Continue to have bedbugs. For months- years even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do ‘date nights’ on Fridays since you have a free babysitter.

this!

You are in a tough spot. My sense is that you won't be rude or tell her she can't come anymore, so make lemonade out of lemons.

First, get that guest room a proper bed. This will give her her own space.
Second, have a sit down conversation about feeding your kids junk food. "Mom, you need to respect my parenting choices about feeding my kids. It's not funny when you sneak in food."
Third, take advantage of her being there and go out with your husband, friends.

Don't feel like you need to host her, she practically lives with you.

All of this. And be a grownup and ignore the judge-y comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do ‘date nights’ on Fridays since you have a free babysitter.

this!

You are in a tough spot. My sense is that you won't be rude or tell her she can't come anymore, so make lemonade out of lemons.

First, get that guest room a proper bed. This will give her her own space.
Second, have a sit down conversation about feeding your kids junk food. "Mom, you need to respect my parenting choices about feeding my kids. It's not funny when you sneak in food."
Third, take advantage of her being there and go out with your husband, friends.

Don't feel like you need to host her, she practically lives with you.

All of this. And be a grownup and ignore the judge-y comments.

+1. Put her to work! She basically lives with you 30 percent of the time. Why treat her like a guest? She can come over and help clean, do laundry, babysit. Don’t let her treat your house like a hotel - either she is a visitor, in which case she has to ask permission to visit, or she’s a family member, in which case she needs to pull her weight.

We did this with my MIL and guess what, she visits once a month now and drives back home at the end of the day. Because our kids are small and active, and we started using those visits to spend a little time together and then leave her with the kids and run errands. Once she had to do more than sit on the couch with a coffee or a glass of wine, the visits lost their appeal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is her life, why does she live hours away?

It’s complicated, but basically because she wants to. She knew she would be driving back and forth each week when she moved, and she did it anyway. I wouldn’t want to do it, but she says she likes it.

She likes it because you and your family are paying the price for her choices. You are making it too convenient for her.

“Mom, we need more quiet time together as a family on the weekends. For the next while, you may stay at our house on the 1st and 3rd Friday of the month. We just do not have the space or time to host a guest every weekend. I’m sure you understand how important it is that we get downtime as a family.”

(Frankly, I think 2 weekends a month is too much,,too)