WWYD - my mother uses my house like a free hotel...
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Anonymous
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Ugh, so my mother crashes at my house EVERY WEEK. My house is closer to an appointment she goes to. She often doesn't even ask, she just tells me she's coming and shows up!
This means that every weekend, she's here for a night and half of the next day. She does help with the kids, but she's also super intrusive and will do things like try to organize my house, make "innocent" judgey comments, or be pushy about spending time with the kids solo. She also does not listen to me about what to feed the kids - she thinks it's funny to feed them tons of sugar and crap. This has been going on for years. A couple of months ago, we moved, and in our new house, there isn't a separate apartment for her. There is only the (smaller) main house. In the new house, she's decided that she doesn't like sleeping on the air mattress that we set up for her in a bedroom, and that instead she will sleep on the living room couch. This feels even more invasive. Today, she is "trapped here" because of the snow (that she "had no idea" about), so she will have to stay tonight too (ignoring the fact that I asked her at 6:30am before the snow started what her plans were because it was going to snow). I love my mother and enjoy spending time with her when I feel like I have some choice in the matter. This arrangement worked in our old house, but in our new house, which is smaller, it feels suffocating. If we had a separate guest apartment, I'd feel differently... I crave full weekends alone with my own family and no guests. She's very sensitive and dramatic, so I know if I talk with her about this, it could lead to full-on tantrumming/stonewalling/seeing the kids (who love her) much less. It will also make her life much more difficult if she can't stay here, since she will have to book a hotel for those nights. This gives me so much anxiety! Please help! Wwyd? |
Anonymous
| Why is there a need to be there every weekend? Why not an appointment on a Thursday and she is gone on Friday? |
Anonymous
| It's a long story, and I don't want to give too much detail, but basically she has this appointment near my home that she goes to, stays at my house, and goes to another appointment (also near my house) the next day... Then she drives back to hear house (which is a couple of hours away) |
Anonymous
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Op, if this has been going on for years...what can you do to make both easier?
-get her a nice bad so the immediate problem of sleeping in your family couch -ask her calmly if she can maybe visit every other week and to ask before coming over[b] "Please don't take it the wrong way, I love YOU mom and kids love having you around! Then hit her with some funny way like "I need to have sex with my husband or some weekend are reserved for my friend Flow" 
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Anonymous
| It's your mother. To me this is fine. Obviously she should let you know, but my mother doesn't need permission to come over. |
Anonymous
OP's issue is her mother's behavior when she's in her home. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like this is an especially bad weekend (ignoring you about the snow, delayed). As someone who spends a LOT of time with my in-laws, who drive me batty in all the same ways (sugar, judgy comments) but also have the same positive things (help with kids, close relationships that the kids love), some of this just is what it is. You can’t have the upside without the downside. If you made her get a hotel she’s just naturally going to have a less close relationship with your kids even if she didn’t tantrum.
I’d get a Murphy bed if I were you. Air mattresses do suck, and someone sleeping on your couch does too. They’re expensive but they’re a great solution in a situation like yours. |
Anonymous
| I am guessing these are AA type meetings and you are afraid of jeopardizing her sobriety and you want to support her in that as much as you can. If so, try Al Anon, so that you can figure out how to approach the topic with your mother. Sometimes it is hard to be supportive and push a little. |
Anonymous
Are these medical appointments? Or she just gets a blowout and Botox every weekend or something? If they are medical appointments, I would think it was pretty cold if you ask her to stay in a hotel or go all the way home. You just need to fix the sleeping arrangement and her lack of respect for your rules. If these are vanity appointments, I think you can tell her it’s not working since you’ve moved in to a smaller home and ask maybe every 2 or 3 weekends. |
Anonymous
😆 |
Anonymous
I appreciate this perspective. I think you're right. Just a bad weekend. And, I felt blindsided by her expecting to stay all weekend. |
Anonymous
| “Hey mom, things are really hectic with our schedule for the next few months. I need you to ask me for specific dates when you’d like to stay here so we can discuss. Most of the time, it will be fine, but I need to plan it, and there are times that will not work.” |
Anonymous
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Move to a different location far away from her AA meetings?
Sorry, OP, I've got nothing short of a heated discussion and consequent distancing. I had to resort to that with my mother. I went no contact for 6 months. She now behaves SO MUCH BETTER, because she knows I follow through when she doesn't. |
Anonymous
| I’m going to do that thing I hate when other people do it, but what did you think would happen when you moved to a smaller place? It sounds like she had some sort of seperate space at your old house. If this has been going on for years, was that not a consideration when looking for a new home? |
Anonymous
| Does she have her own bedroom or is it an air mattress set up with the kids or something like that? |