DH doesn’t remember any birthdays

[Anonymous]

I have to say OP, you don’t seem bothered by his behavior and habits. So good for you and him.

I got the impression you are both older or retired? But then you said you have kids still in the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:He's a boy. it's a thing.

No, it’s not. It’s a “I don’t want to take care of this” thing.

You could counch it that way. Just like I don't track how many miles have been put on my car between oil changes. Which you could consider an "I don't know, I don't care, I don't want to take care of this" thing. Or a girl thing.

Nothing difficult about remembering a bday or annual oil change or executing a system to remember it.

The problem is when “the system” is ask mom or your wife. Or just sit back and wait for them to tell you what’s up all the time.

I feel that most men I know just.don't.care. Which is fine. I don't care about some of their interests, either. It is never going to stick in my DH's head that JoJo's birthday is on April 13. The problem is that when reminded (by google or me), and asked if he wants help getting a gift for JoJo, that he does nothing about it and doesn't accept my help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is NOT uncommon. I don't know my parent b-days or my siblings... I've written my kids b-days down in my wallet for when I need to fill out forms...
Men are not women. There is not right or wrong about this. It just is. I'm sure there are A LOT of things your husband can't believe you don't know or do the right way.

You don’t know your parents’ birthdays? Or your siblings?

Sorry, just find that so weird.

Reitterating: it's a boy thing. I've accepted it just like the men in my life have accepted that I DO remember everybody's birthday. We get along that way.

[Anonymous]

Can he put them on his work calendar? Maybe he looks at that more. But if this is your biggest complaint with your spouse I think you should accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I like the idea of posting the birthdays but then I know he will just ignore it.

But that gave me another idea of making it a competitive family trivia game or something to also involve our kids and help them remember. They are all super competitive and like a challenge so I think that might work pretty well for us!

Are you 100% he just "ignores" it? Perhaps he just doesn't want to put the effort and is lazy. Thus it defers to you to make the time and effort to think of something, buy it, send it/call, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I like the idea of posting the birthdays but then I know he will just ignore it.

But that gave me another idea of making it a competitive family trivia game or something to also involve our kids and help them remember. They are all super competitive and like a challenge so I think that might work pretty well for us!

Are you 100% he just "ignores" it? Perhaps he just doesn't want to put the effort and is lazy. Thus it defers to you to make the time and effort to think of something, buy it, send it/call, etc.

I know I have a bit of dread and procrastinate whenever there's a family birthday (nuclear or extended) bc it requires a ton of brain power And advance planning to make it nice for the recipient. Maybe your DH is like this too, but instead of sacrificing his time to out forth the effort he takes the easy road and hoes onto denial about it

[Anonymous]

I have 5 brothers, they don't remember any birthdays.

Set up birthday alarm on line that text/emails him 1 week then 2 days before each birthday.

[Anonymous]

I am a retired Marine with TBI. I forget a lot and often cannot hear my phone reminders go off or do much work on computers so I never see the notification.
If someone is forgetful a lot like me. It gets worse and may want to get it checked out.
Two I have photos in places I sit or sleep in the house, in frames with the birthdate date on them.
I keep a laminated card with important dates in my wallet in case my wife, kid, or friends ask. Most family and friends understand that i am never happy when I forget but they forgive and roll with it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he remember much of anything, ie executive functioning issues, or just bdays or anniversaries?

Tell him to make some new traditions.

Doing nothing is just pathetic and selfish. Esp as a parent or SO.

To clarify, he usually does something, after I remind him of the upcoming birthdays. This is a big improvement from how I used to plan for and buy gifts/cards for all his family members’ birthdays. But I drew the line at some point. Now I would like him to go one step further and remember them on his own without reminders from me. I’m pretty forgetful myself, and it’s hard enough remembering everything else, let alone being responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays.

He has an exceptional memory but only limited to certain things. The everyday practical things completely escape him. He does not know our anniversary date either, and I have grown to not really care. I do have to remind him constantly of social things on our calendar and kid related activities and things.

Just stopped reminding him of his family stuff and let him deal with the fallout. I’m the woman that doesn’t remember this stuff. If my husband decided to stop reminding me, the world would not end.

Yes, but he has parents who care very much about this type of thing. And get very upset if they are forgotten. They also remember and get us something for every one of our special occasions, like our anniversary and birthdays.

Ok, but them being upset is entirely his problem. You don’t actually have to solve this for him — this is how women end up beating 99% of the mental load.

+100. Presumably, he is an adult who can deal with his own emotions. We all make mistakes and get upset at ourselves for making them. That doesn't mean we need someone to swoop in to fix the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and don’t remember this stuff. My husband reminds me of my family’s birthdays. I remind him of 10 million other things. It is fine.

This stuff just was never important in my family of origin.

Me too. I’m only 95% of our wedding date when asked and I almost never remember our anniversary. I’ve been married 25 years. It’s a joke in my family, but we’ve never been big on celebrations

[Anonymous]

Put it in the family Google calendar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been with my husband for decades, and it’s crazy to me that he still doesn’t know his parents or siblings’ birthdays. Not just forgetting them, but doesn’t remember the dates at all. Sometimes he remembers the months. Also one of his parents birthday is a week after our oldest child’s birthday and we always used to celebrate it together, pretty much every year. And when I remind him, he is always surprised that their birthdays are close together. I’ve tried putting them on our shared calendar but he never looks at it or ignores the reminders.

How can I help him remember them more independently? He also doesn’t always know our children’s birthdays.d

DO NOTHING.

Him forgeting $hit is his problem, not yours.

Meanwhile make sure to always buy yourself and the kids tons of presents, flowers, cards, books, vacations for yourself.

He's telling you he doesn't care to remember bdays. And you are telling the world, your kids and yourself that you DO care.

Take care!