What causes some women to continuously be in abusive, toxic relationships?

[Anonymous]

What about the opposite? I made such a bad mistake with XH, I no longer trust my choices about men and remain alone. No, I haven't gotten used to it or enjoy it. But, I can't take the risk of getting into another relationship with a mean, mean man. He masked it so well, I was suckered it. And, I'll never forgive myself for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What about the opposite? I made such a bad mistake with XH, I no longer trust my choices about men and remain alone. No, I haven't gotten used to it or enjoy it. But, I can't take the risk of getting into another relationship with a mean, mean man. He masked it so well, I was suckered it. And, I'll never forgive myself for it.

That sounds like classic avoidance symptoms in PTSD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was codependency on my end, and a highly skilled abuser. All the love bombing to make me feel special, then he slowly turned up the heat. I never even knew what was happening.

Promises to change, he even did tons of therapy on his own and with me.

So much gaslighting, to the point I didn’t even know what was true and doubted my own sanity. Looking back I was so dumb for buying into it, but at the time, it felt very real. Just as an example, my xH had an amazing memory. He could see a stranger in a store, and recognize them on the street a year later. So if we disagreed on how an event in our marriage occurred (say, how a past disagreement went), he would position himself as the authority since his memory was so good. And even worse, he would come across as concerning. “Babe, your memory is really getting bad and I’m concerned. That’s not how it happened. I think we should get you to a doctor”. When my memory was totally fine.

Getting everybody on his side. Abusers are often extremely charming. After we divorced, everybody sided with him, even my own family. He convinced them I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Also isolated me from the people he knew would be in my corner.

And I don’t know how to explain it, but destroying my self esteem to the point of utter hopelessness. It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t do better - rationally, I knew I could. But I was so beaten down that I couldn’t even get the energy to leave. It’s like, you just feel so bad about yourself, it doesn’t matter what happens. Happiness seems like something so unachievable, may as well stay and just move through life in a daze until you die.

Basically this.except my abuser did not make any promise or attempts to change, he just denied the undeniable abuse and told me I was the crazy drama seeker and even the abuser. I was in therapy at the time and my therapist completely failed to spot the abuser and instead coached me to stay in the relationship. I later learned he himself had the hots for me so I think this happened so he could reassure himself he wasn’t holding me back. He absolutely was. I did not have the courage to move on though as I was almost 40.

I was just reading about Brian Landrie and how he had anxiety but never took drugs for it. Always the other person who had issues. Not him. Could not see his own weaknesses nor ever address them. Why is this? Why are a lot of men like this? Unable to notice their own weaknesses or overstrengths - too much control? Not regulate themselves on their own?

[Anonymous]

Another example. Ben Affleck blaming his wife and ex wife even when she's taking him to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another example. Ben Affleck blaming his wife and ex wife even when she's taking him to therapy.

Why is he like this and why is she like this? She should have left and not turned back.

[Anonymous]

In my case i stay because of the kids and for the financial stability it gives me.
I had a great childhood, super succesful, no self esteem issues. I just like having a lot of money and think the kids are still better off with us staying together.
So far I can put up with it pretty well...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case i stay because of the kids and for the financial stability it gives me.
I had a great childhood, super succesful, no self esteem issues. I just like having a lot of money and think the kids are still better off with us staying together.
So far I can put up with it pretty well...

You don't mention the abuse/toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case i stay because of the kids and for the financial stability it gives me.
I had a great childhood, super succesful, no self esteem issues. I just like having a lot of money and think the kids are still better off with us staying together.
So far I can put up with it pretty well...

You don't mention the abuse/toxicity.

He is emotionally abusive and verbally. Has addiction issues and is just mean. But i can take it. I cry but otherwise have a great life. He is a good father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you aren't looking at the bigger picture. Often unless it's real bad they try and stay till the kids get older. Otherwise, the kids will be alone with the abuser or their trick of the moment.

This.

Abuse can happen at any education or income strata. Lawyers know how many women are calling them every 6 months in toxic situations but trying to shield the children from the negligent, abusive unhealthy parent. If there’s high income or savings involved that could be a $100k-500k case if abuser goes high conflict into court. $$$$$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you aren't looking at the bigger picture. Often unless it's real bad they try and stay till the kids get older. Otherwise, the kids will be alone with the abuser or their trick of the moment.

This.

Abuse can happen at any education or income strata. Lawyers know how many women are calling them every 6 months in toxic situations but trying to shield the children from the negligent, abusive unhealthy parent. If there’s high income or savings involved that could be a $100k-500k case if abuser goes high conflict into court. $$$$$$

And then they are too old to find anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Therapist here: Having an abusive dad is really bad for a kid for a number of reasons.
First of all, mom doesn't protect them, so they feel like they aren't valued.
Secondly, the only way a kid can escape the situation is to completely dissociate, so they get really good at it.
Third, no one pays attention to the kids emotions, so they don't know what to do with them. Usually, they respond by either escalating the emotion until someone listens and/or they get into trouble, or they respond by ignoring and hiding the emotion to avoid trouble. Those are the only two settings.
Fourth, rewards and punishments are based on the parent's moods, and not what the kid did, so they grow up feeling like they don't have any control over their lives.

So, now, you have a teenage girl who has no one to help her navigate life, doesn't trust her own thoughts and emotions, and feels that she has no control over her life. As a bonus, she completely dissociates whenever she is overwhelmed or stressed.
Enter the abuser. He is probably a narcissist and wants everyone to think he is a really cool, successful guy. The kind of guy who would have a hot girlfriend who dresses and acts in whatever way he thinks a cool, successful guy's girlfriend would act. This varies depending on culture. He is happy to find this girl who doesn't really know who she is and tell her how to be. This is fine except that whenever she fails to meet his expectations, he yells at her and beats her.
She likes him because he seems so totally in control, knows exactly what he wants and how to get it, and absolutely values her (sometimes so much that he won't let anyone else see her). Most women might see him as creepy, but to her it feels like a huge relief after years of feeling alone and out of control. When he yells at her and beats her, she tolerates it and believes it when he gaslights her because she doesn't trust her own emotions after years of suppressing them or getting into trouble for them, and she dissociates a lot, so she doesn't trust her own memory.

Every now and again, she will have an epiphany that this is not good, and maybe she will break up with him for a period of time, or she will leave him, but unless she does some serious work, she will end up in a similar situation again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case i stay because of the kids and for the financial stability it gives me.
I had a great childhood, super succesful, no self esteem issues. I just like having a lot of money and think the kids are still better off with us staying together.
So far I can put up with it pretty well...

You don't mention the abuse/toxicity.

He is emotionally abusive and verbally. Has addiction issues and is just mean. But i can take it. I cry but otherwise have a great life. He is a good father.

Not to rain on your parade, but your kids will grow up observing this and believe this is the norm. Your son(s) will treat their partners the same way and your daughter(s) will gravitate to abusive relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here: Having an abusive dad is really bad for a kid for a number of reasons.
First of all, mom doesn't protect them, so they feel like they aren't valued.
Secondly, the only way a kid can escape the situation is to completely dissociate, so they get really good at it.
Third, no one pays attention to the kids emotions, so they don't know what to do with them. Usually, they respond by either escalating the emotion until someone listens and/or they get into trouble, or they respond by ignoring and hiding the emotion to avoid trouble. Those are the only two settings.
Fourth, rewards and punishments are based on the parent's moods, and not what the kid did, so they grow up feeling like they don't have any control over their lives.

So, now, you have a teenage girl who has no one to help her navigate life, doesn't trust her own thoughts and emotions, and feels that she has no control over her life. As a bonus, she completely dissociates whenever she is overwhelmed or stressed.
Enter the abuser. He is probably a narcissist and wants everyone to think he is a really cool, successful guy. The kind of guy who would have a hot girlfriend who dresses and acts in whatever way he thinks a cool, successful guy's girlfriend would act. This varies depending on culture. He is happy to find this girl who doesn't really know who she is and tell her how to be. This is fine except that whenever she fails to meet his expectations, he yells at her and beats her.
She likes him because he seems so totally in control, knows exactly what he wants and how to get it, and absolutely values her (sometimes so much that he won't let anyone else see her). Most women might see him as creepy, but to her it feels like a huge relief after years of feeling alone and out of control. When he yells at her and beats her, she tolerates it and believes it when he gaslights her because she doesn't trust her own emotions after years of suppressing them or getting into trouble for them, and she dissociates a lot, so she doesn't trust her own memory.

Every now and again, she will have an epiphany that this is not good, and maybe she will break up with him for a period of time, or she will leave him, but unless she does some serious work, she will end up in a similar situation again.

+1,000,000 My childhood story (plus a little molestation by dad) and my first type a boyfriend in a nut shell. I’m doing better and married to a wonderful guy for 15+ years, but the first 25 years of my life were spent just like this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Lack of a supportive father who values her for who she is and imbues her with self respect. People discount just how much influence a good father’s love can have on a girl. I wish I had had a dad growing up who supported, defended and approved of me instead of being constantly critical and expecting me to be more without showing me how.