Reply to What causes some women to continuously be in abusive, toxic relationships?

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[quote=Anonymous]Therapist here:  Having an abusive dad is really bad for a kid for a number of reasons.  
First of all, mom doesn't protect them, so they feel like they aren't valued.  
Secondly, the only way a kid can escape the situation is to completely dissociate, so they get really good at it.  
Third, no one pays attention to the kids emotions, so they don't know what to do with them.  Usually, they respond by either escalating the emotion until someone listens and/or they get into trouble, or they respond by ignoring and hiding the emotion to avoid trouble.  Those are the only two settings.  
Fourth, rewards and punishments are based on the parent's moods, and not what the kid did, so they grow up feeling like they don't have any control over their lives.

So, now, you have a teenage girl who has no one to help her navigate life, doesn't trust her own thoughts and emotions, and feels that she has no control over her life.  As a bonus, she completely dissociates whenever she is overwhelmed or stressed.  
Enter the abuser.  He is probably a narcissist and wants everyone to think he is a really cool, successful guy.  The kind of guy who would have a hot girlfriend who dresses and acts in whatever way he thinks a cool, successful guy's girlfriend would act.  This varies depending on culture.  He is happy to find this girl who doesn't really know who she is and tell her how to be.  This is fine except that whenever she fails to meet his expectations, he yells at her and beats her.  
She likes him because he seems so totally in control, knows exactly what he wants and how to get it, and absolutely values her (sometimes so much that he won't let anyone else see her).  Most women might see him as creepy, but to her it feels like a huge relief after years of feeling alone and out of control.  When he yells at her and beats her, she tolerates it and believes it when he gaslights her because she doesn't trust her own emotions after years of suppressing them or getting into trouble for them, and she dissociates a lot, so she doesn't trust her own memory.

Every now and again, she will have an epiphany that this is not good, and maybe she will break up with him for a period of time, or she will leave him, but unless she does some serious work, she will end up in a similar situation again.     [/quote]

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