What causes some women to continuously be in abusive, toxic relationships?

[Anonymous]

For me it was codependency on my end, and a highly skilled abuser. All the love bombing to make me feel special, then he slowly turned up the heat. I never even knew what was happening.

Promises to change, he even did tons of therapy on his own and with me.

So much gaslighting, to the point I didn’t even know what was true and doubted my own sanity. Looking back I was so dumb for buying into it, but at the time, it felt very real. Just as an example, my xH had an amazing memory. He could see a stranger in a store, and recognize them on the street a year later. So if we disagreed on how an event in our marriage occurred (say, how a past disagreement went), he would position himself as the authority since his memory was so good. And even worse, he would come across as concerning. “Babe, your memory is really getting bad and I’m concerned. That’s not how it happened. I think we should get you to a doctor”. When my memory was totally fine.

Getting everybody on his side. Abusers are often extremely charming. After we divorced, everybody sided with him, even my own family. He convinced them I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Also isolated me from the people he knew would be in my corner.

And I don’t know how to explain it, but destroying my self esteem to the point of utter hopelessness. It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t do better - rationally, I knew I could. But I was so beaten down that I couldn’t even get the energy to leave. It’s like, you just feel so bad about yourself, it doesn’t matter what happens. Happiness seems like something so unachievable, may as well stay and just move through life in a daze until you die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assertive men are sexy. Also, because they aggressively seek out a relationship with the woman, they're the path of least resistance. Aggression and assertiveness are often correlated with toxic and abusive behaviors.

Men like this are NOT sexy on any level.

Give me a sensitive, articulate man over any muscle man who curses and slams doors!

Agreed. Women who are attracted to these types of men most likely had abusive fathers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define abusive and toxic? What do they mean, exactly? Be specific.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. A man who will gaslight, speak down to his partner, hit them and coerce or force into sex acts. By toxic I mean constant fighting, breaking up and getting back together, codependency etc

These things are rarely one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pressure from society to find a husband at any cost.

"Shelters" that enable abusers to go right back to them. I won't donate a penny/volunteer 1 minute for an organization that doesn't turn in abusers or ban women from going back to him as condition of a stay.

[Anonymous]

It took me a long time to learn that people who felt familiar were abusive and crazy, like my mother.

As a coping mechanism, I thought it was something I could handle. It took a lot of therapy to learn I had no duty to handle any bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pressure from society to find a husband at any cost.

"Shelters" that enable abusers to go right back to them. I won't donate a penny/volunteer 1 minute for an organization that doesn't turn in abusers or ban women from going back to him as condition of a stay.

That pretty much guarantees no woman will go to a shelter.

On average a woman leaves something like 7 times and go back before she leaves for good. It’s not her fault, it’s how abuse works, and if you haven’t lived through it you wouldn’t understand. It’s not so simple. Please educate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was codependency on my end, and a highly skilled abuser. All the love bombing to make me feel special, then he slowly turned up the heat. I never even knew what was happening.

Promises to change, he even did tons of therapy on his own and with me.

So much gaslighting, to the point I didn’t even know what was true and doubted my own sanity. Looking back I was so dumb for buying into it, but at the time, it felt very real. Just as an example, my xH had an amazing memory. He could see a stranger in a store, and recognize them on the street a year later. So if we disagreed on how an event in our marriage occurred (say, how a past disagreement went), he would position himself as the authority since his memory was so good. And even worse, he would come across as concerning. “Babe, your memory is really getting bad and I’m concerned. That’s not how it happened. I think we should get you to a doctor”. When my memory was totally fine.

Getting everybody on his side. Abusers are often extremely charming. After we divorced, everybody sided with him, even my own family. He convinced them I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Also isolated me from the people he knew would be in my corner.

And I don’t know how to explain it, but destroying my self esteem to the point of utter hopelessness. It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t do better - rationally, I knew I could. But I was so beaten down that I couldn’t even get the energy to leave. It’s like, you just feel so bad about yourself, it doesn’t matter what happens. Happiness seems like something so unachievable, may as well stay and just move through life in a daze until you die.

OMG - this is my life. I won’t leave because he’s just going to find the narc supply with our eldest. It’s also been described as slow boiling a frog. By the time you realize what is happening, there are children to consider. Nothing would make them happier than your suicide. Goal achieved. I regret being so naive.

[Anonymous]

Low self esteem. Not realizing you could be treated better, let alone that you deserve to be. Lack of sense of self and boundaries.

Listen, if you’ve never seen or felt or experienced a relationship where someone treated you nicely, you can’t look for it.

[Anonymous]

I think coming from a dysfunctional family where this sort of treatment is what is familiar to them and they don't seek help.

Also perhaps its like a frog in boiling water, it doesn't realise what's happening until too late. Things don't start out that way, their self esteem is undermined and then its all too hard.

They have kids really early and feel trapped.

Low self esteem

Mental illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pressure from society to find a husband at any cost.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of the above Plus thinking they can’t do better or can’t earn enough to live on their own. Too many women think any man is better than no man.

For many of them it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assertive men are sexy. Also, because they aggressively seek out a relationship with the woman, they're the path of least resistance. Aggression and assertiveness are often correlated with toxic and abusive behaviors.

This. He may be the first or only man who seems committed to being with them, or the only seemingly successful/desirable one who does . That has certainly been true for me. I missed the boat on good men when I was young, shy and naive and after a certain point the only people interested in me were cheaters or assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pressure from society to find a husband at any cost.

This. Surprisingly, many women still equate success to having a man, and are willing to forego actual happiness for the appearance of it.

Society makes this equation. Women who think this are simply correctly acknowledging that everything in society including the tax code and the easiest path to financial advancement is geared to couples. You can go against the grain, but it takes strength and money to be a non-conformist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was codependency on my end, and a highly skilled abuser. All the love bombing to make me feel special, then he slowly turned up the heat. I never even knew what was happening.

Promises to change, he even did tons of therapy on his own and with me.

So much gaslighting, to the point I didn’t even know what was true and doubted my own sanity. Looking back I was so dumb for buying into it, but at the time, it felt very real. Just as an example, my xH had an amazing memory. He could see a stranger in a store, and recognize them on the street a year later. So if we disagreed on how an event in our marriage occurred (say, how a past disagreement went), he would position himself as the authority since his memory was so good. And even worse, he would come across as concerning. “Babe, your memory is really getting bad and I’m concerned. That’s not how it happened. I think we should get you to a doctor”. When my memory was totally fine.

Getting everybody on his side. Abusers are often extremely charming. After we divorced, everybody sided with him, even my own family. He convinced them I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Also isolated me from the people he knew would be in my corner.

And I don’t know how to explain it, but destroying my self esteem to the point of utter hopelessness. It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t do better - rationally, I knew I could. But I was so beaten down that I couldn’t even get the energy to leave. It’s like, you just feel so bad about yourself, it doesn’t matter what happens. Happiness seems like something so unachievable, may as well stay and just move through life in a daze until you die.

Basically this.except my abuser did not make any promise or attempts to change, he just denied the undeniable abuse and told me I was the crazy drama seeker and even the abuser. I was in therapy at the time and my therapist completely failed to spot the abuser and instead coached me to stay in the relationship. I later learned he himself had the hots for me so I think this happened so he could reassure himself he wasn’t holding me back. He absolutely was. I did not have the courage to move on though as I was almost 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was codependency on my end, and a highly skilled abuser. All the love bombing to make me feel special, then he slowly turned up the heat. I never even knew what was happening.

Promises to change, he even did tons of therapy on his own and with me.

So much gaslighting, to the point I didn’t even know what was true and doubted my own sanity. Looking back I was so dumb for buying into it, but at the time, it felt very real. Just as an example, my xH had an amazing memory. He could see a stranger in a store, and recognize them on the street a year later. So if we disagreed on how an event in our marriage occurred (say, how a past disagreement went), he would position himself as the authority since his memory was so good. And even worse, he would come across as concerning. “Babe, your memory is really getting bad and I’m concerned. That’s not how it happened. I think we should get you to a doctor”. When my memory was totally fine.

Getting everybody on his side. Abusers are often extremely charming. After we divorced, everybody sided with him, even my own family. He convinced them I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Also isolated me from the people he knew would be in my corner.

And I don’t know how to explain it, but destroying my self esteem to the point of utter hopelessness. It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t do better - rationally, I knew I could. But I was so beaten down that I couldn’t even get the energy to leave. It’s like, you just feel so bad about yourself, it doesn’t matter what happens. Happiness seems like something so unachievable, may as well stay and just move through life in a daze until you die.

OMG - this is my life. I won’t leave because he’s just going to find the narc supply with our eldest. It’s also been described as slow boiling a frog. By the time you realize what is happening, there are children to consider. Nothing would make them happier than your suicide. Goal achieved. I regret being so naive.

+1. We divorced and he is still playing the long game of pulling our child away from me.