Gifts received from estranged family member?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you don’t mention the reasons behind the estrangement, I give the BIL credit for making an effort to maintain some type of positive relationship with the kids — who did not have any input in any decisions to end their relationships with their uncle.

Kids are more than little extensions of their parents. You also don’t mention the ages of the kids, so I’ll use my imagination. Why should a 9 year old, who loves his uncle, aunt, and cousins, lose what could be lifelong positive relationships because his Dad and his uncle have a vehement disagreement about the tax code? I would let the kids have the gifts and send thank you notes — unless they, themselves, have issues with their uncle — unless the reasons for the estrangement are truly egregious.

What kids need most is a healthy immediate family unit and friends. It's bonus points if they have healthy extended family relationships, but not as crucial to their well-being as a healthy immediate unit. It is not the place of the uncle or anyone to overstep parental boundaries and gifts are not love. Yes, kids are not extensions of parents, but they are part of a family unit that needs to be respected. I would not have to kids get entangled by playing into the manipulations and sending than yous. I would let them know the relationship is not healthy and we are having space from uncle Narc for a while.

But what if it’s the father who is “unhealthy”? I’m not sure why you created “uncle Narc” — but all we know is that the two brothers are estranged. Maybe you have the right take on this. Or maybe Dad is batshit crazy, and the uncle is trying to do what he can to be a positive presence in the kids’ lives. From the information presented, we — or at least I — really don’t know.

Buying love is not the way to be a positive presence. Really when someone sets a boundary you just have to respect it. if you know there is abuse you get CPS involved, but otherwise leave it alone. Sending gifts adds un-needed drama/ Now, if the kids reach out to the uncle that is something else. They are pretty capable at an early age especially with everyone getting phones.

Sending gifts is not buying love. It is a tangible way to show children that they are seen, that they matter, that they are not forgotten. That they are loved. It’s not about the adult trying to earn love. It’s about signaling to the children that they matter to the adult.

Material things are not a way to show people they are seen. Signaling to a child that you are fine with disrespecting their parents is not OK. You may not agree with parents. You may deem them crazy all you want, but you still need to respect a boundary that is set with you and you don't try to involve minors in your disturbing dance. You are not saving them. If they are actually abused call CPS. Otherwise stop assuming you are so vital to their wellbeing that not receiving another barbie and legos set is going to ruin their lives. Get therapy and deal with your feelings. Don't try to drag children into this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but this whole gifting grooming narc thing is not the only reason. I had a falling out with my sibling after one of our parents died. It was already a strained relationship, but as the only aunt to my teen niece and nephew (who I had a good relationship with) I didn't send bday gifts to manipulate them. I sent them because I always had and so they wouldn't feel punished just because I don't speak to their parent! One kid responded well to this and we have a positive relationship esp now that she's older. The other one went AWOL so I stopped reaching out and sending gifts. So there you have it, one of them responded in kind and the other decided to cut off contact -- I respected the latter's boundary and stopped reaching out. I had aunts and uncles that peeled off throughout my own childhood because of our parents (yes, estrangement runs in the family) and it really hurt. I still feel sad about it as an adult! I never wanted these two kids to think I no longer cared, so I simply followed their lead. That's not narc behavior, that's me trying to do the right thing.

It's concerning you revived this thread to try to convince yourself it's totally fine to violate boundaries that were set. If someone decides you are toxic to their family and doesn't want you involved, as heartbreaking as that may be you respect their wishes. Sending stuff just creates drama. "As the only aunt" is not some entitlement. Kids are confused by all sorts of things. The creepy uncle who grooms they may be a favorite uncle at first. That doesn't make it OK. If you are hurt get therapy. Leave the kids alone. You don't overstep a boundary "to show you care." If a parent asked you to stop kissing a child or tickling them would you do it anyway to show you cared just because one of the kids laughed once or smiled at first?

Toxicity is up for interpretation. In my case, family cut us off because they disapproved of our marriage - 30 years ago. It’s not always the toxic people who are trying to maintain connections.

I’ll ask again - OP, why is your DH estranged from his sibling? How do we know that OP’s DH isn’t the toxic one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but this whole gifting grooming narc thing is not the only reason. I had a falling out with my sibling after one of our parents died. It was already a strained relationship, but as the only aunt to my teen niece and nephew (who I had a good relationship with) I didn't send bday gifts to manipulate them. I sent them because I always had and so they wouldn't feel punished just because I don't speak to their parent! One kid responded well to this and we have a positive relationship esp now that she's older. The other one went AWOL so I stopped reaching out and sending gifts. So there you have it, one of them responded in kind and the other decided to cut off contact -- I respected the latter's boundary and stopped reaching out. I had aunts and uncles that peeled off throughout my own childhood because of our parents (yes, estrangement runs in the family) and it really hurt. I still feel sad about it as an adult! I never wanted these two kids to think I no longer cared, so I simply followed their lead. That's not narc behavior, that's me trying to do the right thing.

It's concerning you revived this thread to try to convince yourself it's totally fine to violate boundaries that were set. If someone decides you are toxic to their family and doesn't want you involved, as heartbreaking as that may be you respect their wishes. Sending stuff just creates drama. "As the only aunt" is not some entitlement. Kids are confused by all sorts of things. The creepy uncle who grooms they may be a favorite uncle at first. That doesn't make it OK. If you are hurt get therapy. Leave the kids alone. You don't overstep a boundary "to show you care." If a parent asked you to stop kissing a child or tickling them would you do it anyway to show you cared just because one of the kids laughed once or smiled at first?

Toxicity is up for interpretation. In my case, family cut us off because they disapproved of our marriage - 30 years ago. It’s not always the toxic people who are trying to maintain connections.

I’ll ask again - OP, why is your DH estranged from his sibling? How do we know that OP’s DH isn’t the toxic one?

This is an an old thread. It doesn't matter who the toxic people are. If someone doesn't want a relationship with you and doesn't think you are healthy for their children, you don't impose on them and ignore the boundaries. Even if you aren't the toxic one, by overstepping boundaries you are showing toxic behavior.