Gifts received from estranged family member?

[Anonymous]

Dh isn’t speaking to his brother, perhaps indefinitely. Earlier this year BIL sent birthday cards with money to the children, which we intercepted, though regretfully did not return to sender. We plan to use the money to adopt a family this holiday. But now, a package USPS was just dropped on our porch, a box labeled You’ve Been Boo’d from BIL. Kids were the ones to find the package addressed to them. Dh wants to return to sender tomorrow morning. I am supportive of his decision, but hope in his anger with his brother he realizes this is the final nail, so to speak.

Is this the right way to handle this?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would either throw it away or let the kids have it. All of this “return to sender” drama is just taking up space in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would either throw it away or let the kids have it. All of this “return to sender” drama is just taking up space in your head.

I agree. And it gives them fuel to badmouth you. Toss, donate, or just let them have the stuff.

[Anonymous]

It's such a strange and deranged way for a person who is estranged to try to connect with you. They are trying to buy love and make you feel guilt and obligation. Gifts can be so manipulative. You can take them and donate them. You can do "return to sender" but it does create drama. I would not do "thank you" notes unless you want to engage with the person. I used to think it was wrong to not write a thank you note, but that was before I understood just how manipulative the narcissists in my family are.

[Anonymous]

Let the kids have the stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's such a strange and deranged way for a person who is estranged to try to connect with you. They are trying to buy love and make you feel guilt and obligation. Gifts can be so manipulative. You can take them and donate them. You can do "return to sender" but it does create drama. I would not do "thank you" notes unless you want to engage with the person. I used to think it was wrong to not write a thank you note, but that was before I understood just how manipulative the narcissists in my family are.

It's not always manipulative I have very limited contact with my sister because she is in fact a narc, but I do my best to keep connected to my niece and nephew because they are going to need a lifeline as they get older.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the cause of the conflict. Uncles and aunts may genuinely have a healthy relationship with their nieces and nephews despite ongoing sibling conflict.

[Anonymous]

Since you don’t mention the reasons behind the estrangement, I give the BIL credit for making an effort to maintain some type of positive relationship with the kids — who did not have any input in any decisions to end their relationships with their uncle.

Kids are more than little extensions of their parents. You also don’t mention the ages of the kids, so I’ll use my imagination. Why should a 9 year old, who loves his uncle, aunt, and cousins, lose what could be lifelong positive relationships because his Dad and his uncle have a vehement disagreement about the tax code? I would let the kids have the gifts and send thank you notes — unless they, themselves, have issues with their uncle — unless the reasons for the estrangement are truly egregious.

[Anonymous]

Let the kids have the stuff and explain that they don't talk and a simple explanation as to why. If you return it, it will be more drama.

[Anonymous]

I would let the kids keep it. We would need more context to know what the issue is between the brother's but hopefully nothing that would be worthy of keeping an uncle from his nieces/nephews.

Maybe your husband can put his love for the kids above his dislike/anger towards his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you don’t mention the reasons behind the estrangement, I give the BIL credit for making an effort to maintain some type of positive relationship with the kids — who did not have any input in any decisions to end their relationships with their uncle.

Kids are more than little extensions of their parents. You also don’t mention the ages of the kids, so I’ll use my imagination. Why should a 9 year old, who loves his uncle, aunt, and cousins, lose what could be lifelong positive relationships because his Dad and his uncle have a vehement disagreement about the tax code? I would let the kids have the gifts and send thank you notes — unless they, themselves, have issues with their uncle — unless the reasons for the estrangement are truly egregious.

What kids need most is a healthy immediate family unit and friends. It's bonus points if they have healthy extended family relationships, but not as crucial to their well-being as a healthy immediate unit. It is not the place of the uncle or anyone to overstep parental boundaries and gifts are not love. Yes, kids are not extensions of parents, but they are part of a family unit that needs to be respected. I would not have to kids get entangled by playing into the manipulations and sending than yous. I would let them know the relationship is not healthy and we are having space from uncle Narc for a while.

[Anonymous]

I’m estranged from my mom and she used to send stuff. I sent her a message that the gifts were donated to charity, as would all future gifts. Never received another gift after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m estranged from my mom and she used to send stuff. I sent her a message that the gifts were donated to charity, as would all future gifts. Never received another gift after that.

That is a good idea. Having kids accept the gifts and write thank you notes just sucks them in to dysfunction. You explain to them what an unhealthy relationship is and why even if it's family you need to step away from extreme dysfunction. You don't encourage them to engage in any way with crazy. They need to be protected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you don’t mention the reasons behind the estrangement, I give the BIL credit for making an effort to maintain some type of positive relationship with the kids — who did not have any input in any decisions to end their relationships with their uncle.

Kids are more than little extensions of their parents. You also don’t mention the ages of the kids, so I’ll use my imagination. Why should a 9 year old, who loves his uncle, aunt, and cousins, lose what could be lifelong positive relationships because his Dad and his uncle have a vehement disagreement about the tax code? I would let the kids have the gifts and send thank you notes — unless they, themselves, have issues with their uncle — unless the reasons for the estrangement are truly egregious.

What kids need most is a healthy immediate family unit and friends. It's bonus points if they have healthy extended family relationships, but not as crucial to their well-being as a healthy immediate unit. It is not the place of the uncle or anyone to overstep parental boundaries and gifts are not love. Yes, kids are not extensions of parents, but they are part of a family unit that needs to be respected. I would not have to kids get entangled by playing into the manipulations and sending than yous. I would let them know the relationship is not healthy and we are having space from uncle Narc for a while.

But what if it’s the father who is “unhealthy”? I’m not sure why you created “uncle Narc” — but all we know is that the two brothers are estranged. Maybe you have the right take on this. Or maybe Dad is batshit crazy, and the uncle is trying to do what he can to be a positive presence in the kids’ lives. From the information presented, we — or at least I — really don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you don’t mention the reasons behind the estrangement, I give the BIL credit for making an effort to maintain some type of positive relationship with the kids — who did not have any input in any decisions to end their relationships with their uncle.

Kids are more than little extensions of their parents. You also don’t mention the ages of the kids, so I’ll use my imagination. Why should a 9 year old, who loves his uncle, aunt, and cousins, lose what could be lifelong positive relationships because his Dad and his uncle have a vehement disagreement about the tax code? I would let the kids have the gifts and send thank you notes — unless they, themselves, have issues with their uncle — unless the reasons for the estrangement are truly egregious.

What kids need most is a healthy immediate family unit and friends. It's bonus points if they have healthy extended family relationships, but not as crucial to their well-being as a healthy immediate unit. It is not the place of the uncle or anyone to overstep parental boundaries and gifts are not love. Yes, kids are not extensions of parents, but they are part of a family unit that needs to be respected. I would not have to kids get entangled by playing into the manipulations and sending than yous. I would let them know the relationship is not healthy and we are having space from uncle Narc for a while.

But what if it’s the father who is “unhealthy”? I’m not sure why you created “uncle Narc” — but all we know is that the two brothers are estranged. Maybe you have the right take on this. Or maybe Dad is batshit crazy, and the uncle is trying to do what he can to be a positive presence in the kids’ lives. From the information presented, we — or at least I — really don’t know.

Buying love is not the way to be a positive presence. Really when someone sets a boundary you just have to respect it. if you know there is abuse you get CPS involved, but otherwise leave it alone. Sending gifts adds un-needed drama/ Now, if the kids reach out to the uncle that is something else. They are pretty capable at an early age especially with everyone getting phones.