Women Late 30s single and looking for marriage and family

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No better way to find out than talk to the fundamentalist Mormons. I think they could talk to you about the lifestyle without dwelling on religion if you can get them to talk to you at all. Sometimes I think I want a sister wife, but really I just want a full time housekeeper and full time nanny. I can’t imagine sharing a husband or living a life that is so abnormal. I think it’d be extremely hard on the kids, especially as they get older, unless you live in a polygamist community.

What would be hard on the kids? Be specific. Lots of definitive statements with zero evidence to back it up.

DP. Everyone has the sister wife fantasy. Basically an au pair you don’t have to take care of. I’m beginning to think I might want a brother husband though… especially if both cook. If I was in love with both, all the better. I can multitask.

I could get with a different husband for different purposes.

PP here. I would place an ad, except I can think of zero guys to whom this would appeal

I can think of 3-5 categories, but true I don't know of any guys who would go for it.

What are the categories? Like a single dad who is raising his own kids? Someone who doesn’t want sole responsibility for his kids? Polyamorous guy who wants half the week off?

[Anonymous]

If you want this and they are your special people and you can feel equal amongst them yes, sure why not.

I know of 2 throuples in the UK. One is actually a gay male couple who have had babies with a straight female and they all live together, 3 adults, 2 kids.

The other was 2 straight guys who lived with 1 woman. It was less equal and one of the guys moved out and left them. The couple who were left were shaky for years after but stayed together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:No better way to find out than talk to the fundamentalist Mormons. I think they could talk to you about the lifestyle without dwelling on religion if you can get them to talk to you at all. Sometimes I think I want a sister wife, but really I just want a full time housekeeper and full time nanny. I can’t imagine sharing a husband or living a life that is so abnormal. I think it’d be extremely hard on the kids, especially as they get older, unless you live in a polygamist community.

What would be hard on the kids? Be specific. Lots of definitive statements with zero evidence to back it up.

DP. Everyone has the sister wife fantasy. Basically an au pair you don’t have to take care of. I’m beginning to think I might want a brother husband though… especially if both cook. If I was in love with both, all the better. I can multitask.

I could get with a different husband for different purposes.

PP here. I would place an ad, except I can think of zero guys to whom this would appeal

I can think of 3-5 categories, but true I don't know of any guys who would go for it.

What are the categories? Like a single dad who is raising his own kids? Someone who doesn’t want sole responsibility for his kids? Polyamorous guy who wants half the week off?

Chef, Mr. Handy. intellectual companion, sexual companion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want this and they are your special people and you can feel equal amongst them yes, sure why not.

I know of 2 throuples in the UK. One is actually a gay male couple who have had babies with a straight female and they all live together, 3 adults, 2 kids.

The other was 2 straight guys who lived with 1 woman. It was less equal and one of the guys moved out and left them. The couple who were left were shaky for years after but stayed together.

This is my feeling, if everyone is on the same page, why not?

[Anonymous]

As a man, this sounds ideal. I make a lot of money and the idea of having sex with two women would be great. Plus, the wives could get the emotional support from each other that my wife says I suck at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man, this sounds ideal. I make a lot of money and the idea of having sex with two women would be great. Plus, the wives could get the emotional support from each other that my wife says I suck at.

If you suck at giving emotional support then there will be two women who are resentful of you, not one. Ain’t no price you can put on an atmosphere of cold resentment!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, in your place I would worry about your potential for abuse. I wonder if this guy is a narcissist, his wife a victim who has not seen the light but would love to have your company there. The husband must see some potential in you to serve his needs. I wonder if he has detected your weak spots. He is offering that you get to have your own child. Is this what makes this worth it? What will you do, write up a contract? Suppose you get pregnant. How do you protect that child in this situation?

These are valid points. But why do you assume the woman is a victim? How do you know it wasn't the woman pushing for this?

Societal norms and experience. I can't know. It's not an assumption but a worry. Could a situation like this work? Sure! But who is generally seeking this. Not necessarily healthy people. More likely exploitative people.

But how many of these people do you actually know?

Ok, none. I am basing this on 1) experience with people in cults or cult-like scenarios and 2) experience being asked into married couple's beds, which I never did, but I see looking back that they were abusive relationships.

No, it does not have to be this dark, but I would be highly suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you join an established couple ( married) to become a throuple? On the table is a child/children of your own plus becoming a parenting partner to other children, friendship with current wife, and romantic relationship with husband?

This was not what I expected, given the title of the post

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a hot mess Jerry Springer show in the making. Stay single

[Anonymous]

^or buy some sperm. Low drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of the book "The Red Tent" a reimagining of the biblical Jacob, Leah, Rachel. The tribal women have community with each other and take care of each other and all the kids, many of the women being married to the same guys.

I have often thought there ought to be two of me (i am DW). This arrangement does not actually appeal to me though. I would not want the sexual jealousy. And what if the sister wife was gross/annoying/ did not agree with me about child raising? I think this communal idea comes up against our individualistic priorities.

NP. Agree with you because of the bold. People who think throuple -- especially throuples with and for the purpose of having children -- sound so ideal are burying their heads in the sand re: the realities for most humans. Sexual jealousy will eventually come up in at least some capacity, one person will feel his or her child isn't getting enough attention compared to someone else's child, there will be (as you note) conflicts about how to raise children, or what resources to spend on which child, or whether two of the three adults should contribute toward (just for instance) the third adult going back to school "because it's good for all of us!" etc. etc. Then there is the possibility of "I've fallen so in love that I can't share you with Other any more and you have to choose," or worse--game-playing to be the alpha woman or alpha man. And what happens if one of the three gets a career move to another place? Isn't it likely that the throuple then breaks up, if the other two adults are established in jobs where they all are living? What then about a child of the departing adult and one of the remaining ones--is it treated like a divorce?

Too many ways to go wrong, and too many things to have to consider for choices which, in a couple, are still tough but simpler to make with only two people and those two people's shared children in the mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of the book "The Red Tent" a reimagining of the biblical Jacob, Leah, Rachel. The tribal women have community with each other and take care of each other and all the kids, many of the women being married to the same guys.

I have often thought there ought to be two of me (i am DW). This arrangement does not actually appeal to me though. I would not want the sexual jealousy. And what if the sister wife was gross/annoying/ did not agree with me about child raising? I think this communal idea comes up against our individualistic priorities.

NP. Agree with you because of the bold. People who think throuple -- especially throuples with and for the purpose of having children -- sound so ideal are burying their heads in the sand re: the realities for most humans. Sexual jealousy will eventually come up in at least some capacity, one person will feel his or her child isn't getting enough attention compared to someone else's child, there will be (as you note) conflicts about how to raise children, or what resources to spend on which child, or whether two of the three adults should contribute toward (just for instance) the third adult going back to school "because it's good for all of us!" etc. etc. Then there is the possibility of "I've fallen so in love that I can't share you with Other any more and you have to choose," or worse--game-playing to be the alpha woman or alpha man. And what happens if one of the three gets a career move to another place? Isn't it likely that the throuple then breaks up, if the other two adults are established in jobs where they all are living? What then about a child of the departing adult and one of the remaining ones--is it treated like a divorce?

Too many ways to go wrong, and too many things to have to consider for choices which, in a couple, are still tough but simpler to make with only two people and those two people's shared children in the mix.

+1
Sexual jealousy, including jealousy of the man's time, attention, and resources
Jealousy of time, attention, and resources spent on the other woman's kids, especially if any of the kids have special needs of any kind
Disagreements about child raising, including discipline, or resentment if childcare duties don't seem to be evenly distributed
Financial disagreements -- how will your finances work?
One of your child's "parents" will have no legal rights to them.
You have no legal right to their assets or income (other than child support from the man)
If their marriage breaks up, where does that leave you?
If they want to move, where does that leave you?

[Anonymous]

I say why not look and see if you find a couple that you click with and it could work out with. You might want to check on some of the apps that cater to more fringe communities. I think there is at least one geared towards polyamorous people. It's not just Mormons that do this. I have a Black Muslim friend from Philadelphia who was raised with 3 mothers and 1 father, she reports having a good experience and is close with all of her siblings and the other mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No high quality man would seek this. No secure woman would allow it.

It’s true that at points in history humans have formed these kinds of families but that’s not relevant to predicting who is seeking it now.

High quality man here, it sounds ideal. Another woman to have sex with and the women can emotionally support each other? Ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man, this sounds ideal. I make a lot of money and the idea of having sex with two women would be great. Plus, the wives could get the emotional support from each other that my wife says I suck at.

Or, or, if you make a lot of money, don't get married at all and then you can have sex with 40 women.