Son rude to my parents - but only in one context

[Anonymous]

Is he hangry? Can they give him a snack in the car?

[Anonymous]

OP here. A snack is a good idea. He eats lunch late-ish at school (1:10), but he still always enjoys a snack, and it may put him in a better mood, especially if it is a treat. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

He is lashing out at your parents because he hates the tutoring. Your parents are not the issue it is the timing and the subject matter he dislikes. Can you switch days or times? Can he get a break? It just doesn’t seem like a good mix of going straight after school straight to a subject matter he hates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

hat’s tough. Can he just sit quietly in the car and have your parents try not to engage?

Yes, I have suggested this, but it is very hard for my mom. My dad doesn't really engage him.

That’s not really fair to your son. He hates tutoring. He’s normally a great kid. He’s tired from school. He’s a hormonal teen. Your mom needs to get a grip. Punishment is so off base when your mom is setting him up

+1. It doesn’t sound like your son is going out of his way to be rude, it sounds like he’s losing his patience when someone doesn’t respect his need for a little downtime between school and tutoring. He’s a human being with his own emotional needs, not a robot you can program.

This. Also, why are both your parents there? If your mother can't resist engaging with him, she should stay home.

[Anonymous]

This. Also, why are both your parents there? If your mother can't resist engaging with him, she should stay home.

I agree, but they always go everyplace together - like even the grocery store. I can ask her to stop engaging with him so much (again), but I think they will be offended if I ask for her not to come.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want you to know that you're not alone in this. My son (13 at the time) was an absolute nightmare last spring about going to math tutoring every week. I was the one driving him, but he would carry on and on the entire way there because he was tired after a long day of school. Then after tutoring he would be delightful because he enjoyed it. I just had to have the conversation over and over and over with him that we all have things we HAVE to do that we don't want to do. But not wanting to do something doesn't give us a right to be awful to those around us. I would coach him the morning before he ever left for school, "Remember, you have tutoring this afternoon after school and I expect you to be civil and not argue with me about it." When he would get in the car to go to tutoring I would say, "I know you're tired and not excited about tutoring, but I need you to remember that we're a team here. Please have a good attitude and we'll go grab dinner after tutoring." I also tried to remember that there was a big emotional component to his acting out. He was frustrated and embarrassed that he was struggling in math. Going to tutoring reminded him that was struggling and it's not fun being faced with something that's hard for you. I would just continue to coach your son on his behavior and also coach your mom on how she interacts with him. Again, I send great empathy your way, as our spring was very stressful due to the tutoring drama from my son.

[Anonymous]

OMG I am so tired of the excuses we make for these kids. Send a snack and tell him to shape up. Apologize to your mom.

Honestly, you don't get to be rude in the world because you are tired. You might as well learn when you're 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom want to talk to him, she can say:

Hi, Honey, it’s great to see you.
Where should we stop: Starbucks, McDonalds, Panera, or Chipotle?
Are you sure that’s all you want to eat?
Do you want to play DJ on the drive over?
Need anything else to eat now that you’re done with your session?

She cannot say:
How was your day?
How was school?
Do you have any tests coming up?
Why are you so grumpy?
Do you have all your work ready for your tutor to look at?
What are you working on with her?
How did your session go?
What do you need to work on next?
What is it about this subject that’s hard for you?

Remind her that parenting a teen/preteen is like hunting big game: You lay out food and then sit quietly until they come to you. It’s all about minimal noise and slow, deliberate, unthreatening movements.

This. Let her treat him weekly on the way to his session with some takeout. What is his favorite radio station? Have her put that on and shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I am so tired of the excuses we make for these kids. Send a snack and tell him to shape up. Apologize to your mom.

Honestly, you don't get to be rude in the world because you are tired. You might as well learn when you're 12.

Seriously save being rude an unhelpful when you post on DCUM like ^^^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As so many others have said, you're setting him up for failure here.
If you want/need to maintain this solution, your mom needs to get on board
1. First stop is food. Starbucks or McDonalds or whatever. Something easy, and something that's not going to be closed, and something that takes NO thought on his part.
2. Grandmom backs waaaay off. He can't be rude to her, but she's being rude to him as well if she's pushing him for small talk when he's clearly exhausted, hungry, and stressed.

NP, and I'd add on the third point -- this is where you can address the problem with some flexibility. He can't be rude, but good manners also dictate that you not push someone to chat about non-essential matters if they are clearly not interested. He can greet them politely and thank them for the ride, and he can avoid saying anything rude on the trip, and they can let him zone out to music or stare out the window or something. He's tired, probably hungry, anxious, and stressed. Set him up for success by making the goal a manageable one -- don't be a jerk to grandma -- not an unmanageable one -- engage in chit-chat with grandma for the whole trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I am so tired of the excuses we make for these kids. Send a snack and tell him to shape up. Apologize to your mom.

Honestly, you don't get to be rude in the world because you are tired. You might as well learn when you're 12.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents pick my 12 year old up from school and drive him to tutoring one day a week. I can't leave work, so I need them to do this. He doesn't like tutoring, but needs to go (he struggles with language arts). He is normally a nice respectful kid, but he is horrible to my parents on tutoring day. He argues, he is rude. I have punished him by taking away electronics, but it doesn't change anything. Any thoughts on how to correct this? FWIW, he also sees my parents every weekend and is polite and friendly then; the issue is that he is in a horrible snit because he is tired from school and does not want to go to tutoring.

It’s really not fair to foist this on your parents if it’s regularly this much of an issue and potentially impacting their relationship. If you (and/or your kid’s other parent, if in the picture) can’t adjust your schedule to transport him then you should with either find another tutoring option with availability on weekends/evenings/ whenever works for your schedule or hire a non family member to transport your kid and compensate them appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents pick my 12 year old up from school and drive him to tutoring one day a week. I can't leave work, so I need them to do this. He doesn't like tutoring, but needs to go (he struggles with language arts). He is normally a nice respectful kid, but he is horrible to my parents on tutoring day. He argues, he is rude. I have punished him by taking away electronics, but it doesn't change anything. Any thoughts on how to correct this? FWIW, he also sees my parents every weekend and is polite and friendly then; the issue is that he is in a horrible snit because he is tired from school and does not want to go to tutoring.

It’s really not fair to foist this on your parents if it’s regularly this much of an issue and potentially impacting their relationship. If you (and/or your kid’s other parent, if in the picture) can’t adjust your schedule to transport him then you should with either find another tutoring option with availability on weekends/evenings/ whenever works for your schedule or hire a non family member to transport your kid and compensate them appropriately.

And obviously this is the short term solution. In the longer term keep working on teaching your kid and applying consequences as necessary to instill that this type of behavior is not acceptable.Obviously taking away electronics isn’t working so you need to figure out something else that motivates them.

[Anonymous]

High protein snack. We had a similar problem but it was a therapy that couldn’t be skipped and it was me driving. I always met him with a snack of substance in hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do you really think he is getting out of the tutoring if he hated it this much? Poor kid has been in school all day long. He just wants some down time. I would drop the tutoring. See if you can find someone to tutor on Sunday afternoons.

Also, there is no excuse for his behavior towards your parents. You need stronger consequences.

I don't buy the whole "poor kid has been in school all day long." I have a daughter who is a very lovely kid, but Jesus she is iron-willed and can be a freaking nightmare. She griped and griped about math tutoring until we just wore her down that she was going and that was that.

She is a good kid in so many respects but when I do have to discipline it has to be immediate and pretty severe.

OP, your kid is being a pain about tutoring and thinks he might make headway not to go if grandparents won't drive him. Prepare a script: Larlo, you are going to your tutor. If you are rude to your grandparents about it then no phone the rest of the evening and the next day.

Just put the hammer down.