Son rude to my parents - but only in one context

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

Uh, no. Rethink the after-school tutoring plan.
Who wants to be dragged to something they hate after spending the day doing something they hate?

[Anonymous]

But they don't have to. Where is your DH?

Working and/or on TDY.

[Anonymous]

If your mom want to talk to him, she can say:

Hi, Honey, it’s great to see you.
Where should we stop: Starbucks, McDonalds, Panera, or Chipotle?
Are you sure that’s all you want to eat?
Do you want to play DJ on the drive over?
Need anything else to eat now that you’re done with your session?

She cannot say:
How was your day?
How was school?
Do you have any tests coming up?
Why are you so grumpy?
Do you have all your work ready for your tutor to look at?
What are you working on with her?
How did your session go?
What do you need to work on next?
What is it about this subject that’s hard for you?

Remind her that parenting a teen/preteen is like hunting big game: You lay out food and then sit quietly until they come to you. It’s all about minimal noise and slow, deliberate, unthreatening movements.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think part of the most recent outburst was that they had promised to stop at a place that he likes to get a snack, but then it was mysteriously closed for no clear reason. I get that is rough, but he's old enough not to be so reactive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think part of the most recent outburst was that they had promised to stop at a place that he likes to get a snack, but then it was mysteriously closed for no clear reason. I get that is rough, but he's old enough not to be so reactive about it.

There's "old enough" and then there's puberty. In many ways my DS was more mature as a 4 year old than he was as a teen.

I agree with the PPs who said talk to him about it and brainstorm ways to prevent it from happening. There's a happy medium between ignoring his behavior and strict discipline. Talk to him, is it that he's hungry? Is it because he doesn't like tutoring (and explain how yeah it sucks but it's not fair to grandma and grandpa who are just trying to help out)? Is it that he's tired at the end of the day? Sometimes just sitting and talking about it, but when you're both calm and distanced from the event, acknowledging how he feels, goes a long way. And trying to figure out a game plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom want to talk to him, she can say:

Hi, Honey, it’s great to see you.
Where should we stop: Starbucks, McDonalds, Panera, or Chipotle?
Are you sure that’s all you want to eat?
Do you want to play DJ on the drive over?
Need anything else to eat now that you’re done with your session?

She cannot say:
How was your day?
How was school?
Do you have any tests coming up?
Why are you so grumpy?
Do you have all your work ready for your tutor to look at?
What are you working on with her?
How did your session go?
What do you need to work on next?
What is it about this subject that’s hard for you?

Remind her that parenting a teen/preteen is like hunting big game: You lay out food and then sit quietly until they come to you. It’s all about minimal noise and slow, deliberate, unthreatening movements.

This is good advice. While also talking to your kid, try to have your mom adjust her expectations. I get it, she's doing a favor and she's likely happy to see him and can't understand (doesn't remember) why he isn't feeling happy and relaxed and ready to chat also, so her feelings are getting hurt. It's not about her.

Also, does it have to be both grandparents? Maybe just your dad could do this chore?
I agree that if you can adjust the timing of the tutoring that would be great, but disagree with those who say to stop tutoring because he doesn't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

Uh, no. Rethink the after-school tutoring plan.
Who wants to be dragged to something they hate after spending the day doing something they hate?

Pause the tutoring. It cannot be thr benefit you’re imagining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think part of the most recent outburst was that they had promised to stop at a place that he likes to get a snack, but then it was mysteriously closed for no clear reason. I get that is rough, but he's old enough not to be so reactive about it.

For sure this is a huge part of it. He was hangry. He needs to have a backup plan for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

Uh, no. Rethink the after-school tutoring plan.
For some kids, the school system isn't meeting their needs, and tutors are life savers. My guess based on OP's descriptions (esp. the lack of regulation after school) is that OP isn't hothousing her kid, but rather, the kid really needs this. The re-think may need to be more creative than just, "cancel the tutoring."

[Anonymous]

You are dealing with anxiety with punishment. Btw.

I really would have your mom and dad not really talk to him and have a snack ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think part of the most recent outburst was that they had promised to stop at a place that he likes to get a snack, but then it was mysteriously closed for no clear reason. I get that is rough, but he's old enough not to be so reactive about it.

Anxiety.

Talk to a therapist to teach him how to breath through this and other tools to cope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

So just the one discipline method for you, huh?

Why is everyone so afraid of being blunt with their kids? It is your job to tell him wrong is wrong when he is wrong... No wonder kids are all f-up!

Interesting that you presume:

-people who are suggesting something other than harsher punishment are doing so because they are afraid of something, and not for any other reason
-the only way to tell your child they are wrong or "be blunt" with him is to punish them

But I guess when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Maybe she is used to beat up her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

Worst parenting advice of the day
"Do what's not working but harder"

[Anonymous]

As so many others have said, you're setting him up for failure here.
If you want/need to maintain this solution, your mom needs to get on board
1. First stop is food. Starbucks or McDonalds or whatever. Something easy, and something that's not going to be closed, and something that takes NO thought on his part.
2. Grandmom backs waaaay off. He can't be rude to her, but she's being rude to him as well if she's pushing him for small talk when he's clearly exhausted, hungry, and stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
They have to come with a delicious TREAT and pop it into his mouth, metaphorically, as soon as he shows up. At 12, he's likely hangry

Than everyone needs to reinforce that you're all very sympathetic to his suffering, but he can't take out his frustration on others, especially those who love him and give him PRESENTS. Hint, hint.

My 11 year old DD can be supremely grumpy when she's forced to do something she doesn't want to do. I do a mix of lecturing about manners and small rewards/compliments for good behavior. It keeps the worst behavior at bay...

Yes - wondering if they can bring some kind of awesome snack he wouldn't otherwise get (a candy bar? stopping for ice cream?) Something to help his blood sugar and sweeten the deal.