Dad kicked a hole in the wall. How should we punish?

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old daughter had a huge tantrum after I made her get off the computer and ended up kicking a hole in the wall. I'm at a loss as to how to punish her. Usually, I take away electronics, but i don't want to give the usual consequences over behavior that is so severe.

[Anonymous]

She gets to repair the hole, can I get an amen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She gets to repair the hole, can I get an amen?

I don't want to give an "Amen!" because it says Dad instead of DD.

[Anonymous]

She has to pay for (or work to pay off) the supplies to repair the wall, then work under the supervision of an adult to help repair the wall.

Because the tantrum was triggered by conflict over computer use, she would also lose that privilege for a while. Then when she got it back there would be a system of graduated restrictions until she could show she was being responsible about computer use and reacting appropriately to whatever the family rules are for computer time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has to pay for (or work to pay off) the supplies to repair the wall, then work under the supervision of an adult to help repair the wall.

Because the tantrum was triggered by conflict over computer use, she would also lose that privilege for a while. Then when she got it back there would be a system of graduated restrictions until she could show she was being responsible about computer use and reacting appropriately to whatever the family rules are for computer time.

+1
But also consider whether a visit to a therapist might be beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw, I did that as a kid - same exact age and scenario as your DD! I was shocked when my foot went through the wall and I can remember vividly how terrified I was that I had done that. In a weird way it de-escalated my tantrum and my parents could see how scared I got and we all calmed down cThey never punished me for kicking the hole (I was punished for whatever I had been screaming about in the first place) and I still remember it as a moment that reinforced for me that whatever I did, my parents still loved me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has to pay for (or work to pay off) the supplies to repair the wall, then work under the supervision of an adult to help repair the wall.

Because the tantrum was triggered by conflict over computer use, she would also lose that privilege for a while. Then when she got it back there would be a system of graduated restrictions until she could show she was being responsible about computer use and reacting appropriately to whatever the family rules are for computer time.

+1

I'd also evaluate whether she is getting enough sleep. My little sister used to have extreme outbursts like that sometimes when she was overtired.

[Anonymous]

No screen time until she works/pays off the wall repair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No screen time until she works/pays off the wall repair.

This seems reasonable. A logical consequence of her actions. No drama. No anger. Just, this is what happens when you do something like this. You take responsibility for your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, I did that as a kid - same exact age and scenario as your DD! I was shocked when my foot went through the wall and I can remember vividly how terrified I was that I had done that. In a weird way it de-escalated my tantrum and my parents could see how scared I got and we all calmed down cThey never punished me for kicking the hole (I was punished for whatever I had been screaming about in the first place) and I still remember it as a moment that reinforced for me that whatever I did, my parents still loved me.

Well, that's a very important message, of course, but since all the PPs have mentioned consequences would be repairing the wall I'm not sure how having to fix what she broke would contradict that. Fixing our mistakes when we make them is just part of life, so I think it's a pretty reasonable (and still loving) reaction.

Loss of computer use would be punishing her for what she was screaming about in the first place, failure to get off the computer when instructed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, I did that as a kid - same exact age and scenario as your DD! I was shocked when my foot went through the wall and I can remember vividly how terrified I was that I had done that. In a weird way it de-escalated my tantrum and my parents could see how scared I got and we all calmed down cThey never punished me for kicking the hole (I was punished for whatever I had been screaming about in the first place) and I still remember it as a moment that reinforced for me that whatever I did, my parents still loved me.

Well, that's a very important message, of course, but since all the PPs have mentioned consequences would be repairing the wall I'm not sure how having to fix what she broke would contradict that. Fixing our mistakes when we make them is just part of life, so I think it's a pretty reasonable (and still loving) reaction.

Loss of computer use would be punishing her for what she was screaming about in the first place, failure to get off the computer when instructed.

I'm the pp who kicked the hole in the wall, and I wasn't trying to say that my parents handled it perfectly or that there should not be consequences - but I did want to share the memory of my parents' reaction 40 years later - I don't remember the specific punishment for my action leading up to kicking the hole, but I do remember how much I felt that I could count on my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, I did that as a kid - same exact age and scenario as your DD! I was shocked when my foot went through the wall and I can remember vividly how terrified I was that I had done that. In a weird way it de-escalated my tantrum and my parents could see how scared I got and we all calmed down cThey never punished me for kicking the hole (I was punished for whatever I had been screaming about in the first place) and I still remember it as a moment that reinforced for me that whatever I did, my parents still loved me.

I did this too! It was a vacation house. We repaired the hole. Boy, was I scared. That was enough for me.

Is she showing remorse, OP? If so, stick to the issue at hand, and not the hole.

[Anonymous]

i did that, too, at 12. well, almost, i actually painted on the wall with nailpolish.

my dad kicked me or hit me or threw a show at me - it's a little blurry. it was the one and only time in his entire life he ever hit any one of us. he was the most gentle parent ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, I did that as a kid - same exact age and scenario as your DD! I was shocked when my foot went through the wall and I can remember vividly how terrified I was that I had done that. In a weird way it de-escalated my tantrum and my parents could see how scared I got and we all calmed down cThey never punished me for kicking the hole (I was punished for whatever I had been screaming about in the first place) and I still remember it as a moment that reinforced for me that whatever I did, my parents still loved me.

Well, that's a very important message, of course, but since all the PPs have mentioned consequences would be repairing the wall I'm not sure how having to fix what she broke would contradict that. Fixing our mistakes when we make them is just part of life, so I think it's a pretty reasonable (and still loving) reaction.

Loss of computer use would be punishing her for what she was screaming about in the first place, failure to get off the computer when instructed.

I'm the pp who kicked the hole in the wall, and I wasn't trying to say that my parents handled it perfectly or that there should not be consequences - but I did want to share the memory of my parents' reaction 40 years later - I don't remember the specific punishment for my action leading up to kicking the hole, but I do remember how much I felt that I could count on my parents.

PP, I agree and had a similar experience when I was 16 and had just gotten my license. I was driving by myself for the first time and stupidly drove right into a parked car, seriously damaging the front of my parents' car. When they arrived, I just remember sobbing and running to my dad - which is interesting because we weren't very close and he was kind of stern - and he opened his arms and just held me. No lecture, no screaming, nothing. I will always, always remember that moment of feeling like such an idiot but knowing that my parents would love me anyway.

That said, I wasn't allowed to take the car out by myself for a full year afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Loss of computer privileges completely until she has the wall repaired. Total cost of wall repair coming from her. Very, very gradual return of screen privileges after repair is done.