Therapy & medication are not enough

[Anonymous]

I had a royally f'ed up childhood, and one of the most difficult aspects is reliving how horrible it was now that I'm a parent and I have dependent little kiddos. Both of my parents have personality disorders, serious ones. Now I see (vividly) how poorly I was treated, using how I am treating (and want to treat) my sweet children as a reference point. It is forcing me to reevaluate and experience emotionally what I had to withstand when I was too little to do so.

I'm a very engaged and active participant in therapy. I'm on medication. But it's not enough. I want penitence!! I want accountability!! I know, I'll never get it, but I want it! I want my parents to squirm and confess their depravity. "Yes, that day I ignored your sexual abuse." "Yes, I decided to torment you for fun because that is who I am." "Yep, I didn't care if you died, I was too busy getting high."

I don't want to hear that they will never come around, that people are entitled to their feelings, that they became this way due to trauma themselves, that I should have compassion, that they are largely unconscious of their actions, that I should focus on my FOC and not my FOO, that they will die clinging to their delusions so it's futile to try to change them.

Why can't I corner them? Why can't I confront them? Why can't I shove their behavior down their throats until they choke on their shame?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a royally f'ed up childhood, and one of the most difficult aspects is reliving how horrible it was now that I'm a parent and I have dependent little kiddos. Both of my parents have personality disorders, serious ones. Now I see (vividly) how poorly I was treated, using how I am treating (and want to treat) my sweet children as a reference point. It is forcing me to reevaluate and experience emotionally what I had to withstand when I was too little to do so.

I'm a very engaged and active participant in therapy. I'm on medication. But it's not enough. I want penitence!! I want accountability!! I know, I'll never get it, but I want it! I want my parents to squirm and confess their depravity. "Yes, that day I ignored your sexual abuse." "Yes, I decided to torment you for fun because that is who I am." "Yep, I didn't care if you died, I was too busy getting high."

I don't want to hear that they will never come around, that people are entitled to their feelings, that they became this way due to trauma themselves, that I should have compassion, that they are largely unconscious of their actions, that I should focus on my FOC and not my FOO, that they will die clinging to their delusions so it's futile to try to change them.

Why can't I corner them? Why can't I confront them? Why can't I shove their behavior down their throats until they choke on their shame?

Are you saying you want to do this? If so, what's stopping you?

[Anonymous]

I had a friend once who had a similar childhood. She loathed her parents, looked forward to their deaths. Then they died, an event she had looked forward to, and ....she had no relief. She still felt every negative, angry, ounce of pain she ever had.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand how you feel. My parents disappointed me in a number of ways. I've spent years wanting them to say they were sorry. I've wanted reparations. Guess what? I'm 50 years old and it aint gonna happen. I've had no choice to accept this reality and make my life (and my kids' lives) the best it can be. Keep talking with your therapist. You will get there gradually. Don't squander your chance of happiness, OP. This is your life. Make it what you want.

You know what they say -- living well is the best revenge.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems you and I are on very similar paths. I had this conversation with my therapist just a few weeks ago and she told me, again, that I am never getting an apology or even an acknowledgement.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I don't. I have been extremely angry lately.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'mo not going to tell you how to do your healing.

I grew up in a terrible environment. I won't go into details, but I can empathize with you. I carried a lot of that anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. with me. Much like you, I dreamed of the day I could finally confront my parents.

Then I realized one day, there was nothing they could say that would make me feel better or give me one moment of my childhood back. I couldn't get back the years as a young adult I lived in my own aftermath of dysfunction.

The more I thought about it, I knew there could be no other resolution FOR ME than to just forgive them. Let it go, just let it be. I could not change them or the past more than i could move the moon. My life then was gone.. The problem was i was letting it cloud my life now. And i had to do something.

I mulled it for weeks (with the help of my therapist). I wrote letters to my family. And then, one night, I burned them. I burned them on the summer solstice and followed it up with a smudging.

For me, I needed the symbolism, but you know what.. It worked. Slowly, that anger started to lift. Things just started to be easier.

I'm not past it, it still hurts sometimes, but having my little ritual and making the CHOICE to forgive helped mark the point where I didn't have to be that person any more. I didn't have to be bound to the life my family gave me.. Tat my life was my own to choose.

Keep moving forward OP. f confrontation will make you feel better, then do it. For me, I knew there was no resolution I could get from anything they would say or do.

Good luck with what ever you choose.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried EMDR? It can be very helpful for folks with this type of childhood. I had a similar one.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are at the "anger" stage of your therapy. Which is a normal thing. It means the issues are on the table and fully surfaced and you have a good therapist. But you need to keep on with your therapy. You have a lot of work yet to do to work this out. Keep at it. It's going to take several more years, and I know this is a very tough phase. I've been there. But you will get through.

I can tell you that your anger is always going to be there, but in its place. You will find a place for it and a way to live with it at peace. You will also find a way to have a higher level of empathy for your parents. I know that is a shocking thing to believe.

[Anonymous]

Does the thought of living well being the best revenge comfort you? The idea that all of the choices you make in your life and for your family are the antithesis of your parents? I'm so sorry for what you've been through, OP.
Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Would writing a letter to them help? Just to let them know?
I assume you have no other contact with them.

[Anonymous]

OP - You are doing what you should be doing in seeking therapy and medication to handle your mental health issues. However, you do need to work with your therapist to find a way to let go of the past and live in the present with your own family. Again, assuming no contact with your family exists, it really would be back-tracking to be in touch because you would then most likely be expecting "a response" or more likely "a reaction" and once again placing yourself and your emotions in "their control." Work with your therapist to look forward and deal with some still unresolved pain. It, is likely that it may always be good for you to have an outlet as life with kids and teens just brings its own natural pressures, and for you different events or stages may cause you extra stress from your past. Sounds like you have been proactive not only for yourself, but for your family, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a royally f'ed up childhood, and one of the most difficult aspects is reliving how horrible it was now that I'm a parent and I have dependent little kiddos. Both of my parents have personality disorders, serious ones. Now I see (vividly) how poorly I was treated, using how I am treating (and want to treat) my sweet children as a reference point. It is forcing me to reevaluate and experience emotionally what I had to withstand when I was too little to do so.

I'm a very engaged and active participant in therapy. I'm on medication. But it's not enough. I want penitence!! I want accountability!! I know, I'll never get it, but I want it! I want my parents to squirm and confess their depravity. "Yes, that day I ignored your sexual abuse." "Yes, I decided to torment you for fun because that is who I am." "Yep, I didn't care if you died, I was too busy getting high."

I don't want to hear that they will never come around, that people are entitled to their feelings, that they became this way due to trauma themselves, that I should have compassion, that they are largely unconscious of their actions, that I should focus on my FOC and not my FOO, that they will die clinging to their delusions so it's futile to try to change them.

Why can't I corner them? Why can't I confront them? Why can't I shove their behavior down their throats until they choke on their shame?

You are absolutely free to confront them, especially if the act of confrontation will give you peace, regardless of the outcome. For some people, that's the case. The "choke on their shame" part is what you can't make happen -- they may never see their own guilt or feel any remorse.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks to all for the support and kindness. I appreciate hearing that this, too, is a stage of a process and that many of you were here once but moved on.

I can't say that living well is any consolation, because of my inner critic.

I have cut off contact with both parents, but they continue to send me gifts and contact me as though our relationship is normal. I guess they are just preserving the charade of being a loving parent to themselves and third parties ("look! I send her gifts every Christmas -- even though she won't acknowledge me! oh how I suffer!").

Plus, I feel like I have to continually renew my choice of not communicating with them. Like, every week I have to drag myself through the justification process again, and dredge up all the pros cons risks, etc. I'm having a hard time letting go because of this and also because new things come up for me like corpses rising from the grave as my children grow and hit new milestones and I reflect back on my analogous situation as a child.

Maybe I don't have all the issues on the table, fully surfaced yet.

[Anonymous]

One of the best things I ever did was state that I was hurt by my father's behavior, that his treatment of me wasn't ok. Of course, he didn't apologize, didn't remember what I was talking about, etc.

Sayin it helped me move beyond that conversation/inner critic contained inside of me.

[Anonymous]

*Saying*