Marriage counseling--what actually happens?

[Anonymous]

I think DH and I are headed for counseling. What actually happens during counseling? I've done individual therapy before--is it similar? DH is going to want to know what he's signing up for and I don't know exactly what to tell him.

[Anonymous]

The counselor tries to first learn about both of you individually - family marriage history, your relationships, etc. Then together asks about how you met, what attracted you to each other, current conflicts. With this base they delve into how you feel about current issues and how you communicate. At least in my case, the counselor worked on how we reacted when we had disagreements in terms of the ability to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The counselor tries to first learn about both of you individually - family marriage history, your relationships, etc. Then together asks about how you met, what attracted you to each other, current conflicts. With this base they delve into how you feel about current issues and how you communicate. At least in my case, the counselor worked on how we reacted when we had disagreements in terms of the ability to compromise.

That sounds about right. I had an unfortunate experience that the bickering would start up in counseling and basically the counselor was being paid to watch us fight. Nothing got resolved. We ended up worse. Probably just a bad counselor, but I was shocked that he (the counselor) didn't step in or teach us strategies or give us assignments to break out of what was destructive circular bickering. No insight whatsoever. I didn't get anything out of it. He just listened and asked background/history questions the whole time. I wish I could have gotten my money back, it was expensive and not in network.

As a matter of fact, I wish I could have reported him, because the care seemed so substandard. This continued for about eight session until I pulled the plug. Does that sound strange to anyone else? I mean I understand a low key approach, but this person gave no direction. wTF?

[Anonymous]

We just had our first session and were surprised to find he talked as much as we did. The plans he laid out are consistent with what the first poster said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The counselor tries to first learn about both of you individually - family marriage history, your relationships, etc. Then together asks about how you met, what attracted you to each other, current conflicts. With this base they delve into how you feel about current issues and how you communicate. At least in my case, the counselor worked on how we reacted when we had disagreements in terms of the ability to compromise.

That sounds about right. I had an unfortunate experience that the bickering would start up in counseling and basically the counselor was being paid to watch us fight. Nothing got resolved. We ended up worse. Probably just a bad counselor, but I was shocked that he (the counselor) didn't step in or teach us strategies or give us assignments to break out of what was destructive circular bickering. No insight whatsoever. I didn't get anything out of it. He just listened and asked background/history questions the whole time. I wish I could have gotten my money back, it was expensive and not in network.

As a matter of fact, I wish I could have reported him, because the care seemed so substandard. This continued for about eight session until I pulled the plug. Does that sound strange to anyone else? I mean I understand a low key approach, but this person gave no direction. wTF?

Same here. Kept focusing on background.

[Anonymous]

So how do I ensure the therapist will focus on helping us, not dwelling on background info? If it's not helpful then DH will not want to continue and I will have lost my chance. I don't know anyone in real life who has gone to marriage counseling so I can't ask for recs. I've done a search through my insurance and there's a ton, so don't really know where to start.

We are in upcounty MoCo, so the usual recommendations on this site won't really apply to us. We can't get to DC or Bethesda during the week.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Interview them like you are interviewing them for a job. After all, you are hiring them. Ask them if they are aligned with a particularly philosophy of relationship healing. Ask them to recommend outside reading. Ask them for references. Ask them want training conferences they went to or if they have special certifications.

After they collect history, ask them for their treatment plan.

I worry about therapists cow towing to the weakest link - usually the husband who gets dragged in by the wife. I felt ganged up on in this situation because he didn't want to turn off my husband who made it very clear he was very skeptical about counseling, and I really wanted intervention. But the therapist wasn't strong enough to take a lead, just was a very beta male to my husband's alpha male bravado, which still turned off my husband. We haven't been back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The counselor tries to first learn about both of you individually - family marriage history, your relationships, etc. Then together asks about how you met, what attracted you to each other, current conflicts. With this base they delve into how you feel about current issues and how you communicate. At least in my case, the counselor worked on how we reacted when we had disagreements in terms of the ability to compromise.

That sounds about right. I had an unfortunate experience that the bickering would start up in counseling and basically the counselor was being paid to watch us fight. Nothing got resolved. We ended up worse. Probably just a bad counselor, but I was shocked that he (the counselor) didn't step in or teach us strategies or give us assignments to break out of what was destructive circular bickering. No insight whatsoever. I didn't get anything out of it. He just listened and asked background/history questions the whole time. I wish I could have gotten my money back, it was expensive and not in network.

As a matter of fact, I wish I could have reported him, because the care seemed so substandard. This continued for about eight session until I pulled the plug. Does that sound strange to anyone else? I mean I understand a low key approach, but this person gave no direction. wTF?

Same here. Kept focusing on background.

I'm a therapist and I'd say you went to someone who wasn's skilled in couples counseling. It's very different than individual therapy. To do couples counseling right you have to be more active and directive. There are different styles and schools of couples counseling but this basic fact is the same for all, at least when done right. I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how do I ensure the therapist will focus on helping us, not dwelling on background info? If it's not helpful then DH will not want to continue and I will have lost my chance. I don't know anyone in real life who has gone to marriage counseling so I can't ask for recs. I've done a search through my insurance and there's a ton, so don't really know where to start.

We are in upcounty MoCo, so the usual recommendations on this site won't really apply to us. We can't get to DC or Bethesda during the week.

-OP

Look for someone who is trained in a specific theory of marriage counseling, and someone who sees lots of couples and not primarily individuals. I'm a proponent of Imago therapy or Emotion Focused Couples Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how do I ensure the therapist will focus on helping us, not dwelling on background info? If it's not helpful then DH will not want to continue and I will have lost my chance. I don't know anyone in real life who has gone to marriage counseling so I can't ask for recs. I've done a search through my insurance and there's a ton, so don't really know where to start.

We are in upcounty MoCo, so the usual recommendations on this site won't really apply to us. We can't get to DC or Bethesda during the week.

-OP

OP this is suspiciously sounding like you are doing all the work and he has some sort of veto power that you dont. And like you just get this ONE chance. What gives?? Why isnt HE thinking about what kind of counseling you two should have? Is he just going to "please" you? If so, let me assure you, it wont work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So how do I ensure the therapist will focus on helping us, not dwelling on background info? If it's not helpful then DH will not want to continue and I will have lost my chance. I don't know anyone in real life who has gone to marriage counseling so I can't ask for recs. I've done a search through my insurance and there's a ton, so don't really know where to start.

We are in upcounty MoCo, so the usual recommendations on this site won't really apply to us. We can't get to DC or Bethesda during the week.

-OP

OP this is suspiciously sounding like you are doing all the work and he has some sort of veto power that you dont. And like you just get this ONE chance. What gives?? Why isnt HE thinking about what kind of counseling you two should have? Is he just going to "please" you? If so, let me assure you, it wont work.

He doesn't believe in therapy although I think he would agree to try it if I felt strongly about it. But the therapist would have to give concrete advice, or else he will think it's useless. Another concern is that we'd end up bickering about what we talked about in therapy. If so, then it's not worth it. If DH would go to therapy just to please me and that won't work, any suggestions for what will work?

I feel a lot of resentment toward him in regard to how involved a parent he is, and there is also a lot of score keeping. We've started bickering in front of DS, which I always promised myself I'd avoid doing, since I grew up in that type of environment and hated it. We need to get to a better place in our marriage. I am the OP of the "involved dads" thread last week.

-OP

[Anonymous]

I went about 5 times because DH wanted to go. It made things 10x worse. It was truly awful. The counselor did not talk much and all we did was air our complaints. I would cry and get emotional. So would DH. It was terrible.

I told DH (and he ended up agreeing) that why did we need to pay for this?

I suggest instead -- going out to eat; doing more fun stuff together; talking through issues on your own, etc.

Or go to individual counseling. But marriage counseling sucks. Our counselor offered no good suggestions either.

And really, what can a counselor do? Not much.

[Anonymous]

We were in a state of "trauma" when we went. and our counselor focused on just, me not cutting my DH's balls off when he went to sleep. Our therapist was great, but I've seen others that were a bad fit and I echo PPs comments that you need to find the right person for the job.

What I find great about our therapist (in retrospect) was that he really tried to redirect the conversation back to what was good about our relationship - he continually talked about "reconnecting" what would that take? How do we flesh out the crap and then look at it and figure out what we want to do moving forward. He was so good that I think if we had ended up divorcing, it would have made it much more amicable. My husband didn't want to talk, and it was tough for him at first, but the therapist found a way to talk about the not talking, sort of like cracking a nut.

If you don't feel like it's helping - try someone else, and history is important but so is being a grown-up and owning your crap today - and that's what we found useful. He sort of gave us a framework of how to have a productive conversation so that now, we do just go to dinner or find a private moment to confer and even though we don't go to therapy any longer, we know how to communicate much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were in a state of "trauma" when we went. and our counselor focused on just, me not cutting my DH's balls off when he went to sleep. Our therapist was great, but I've seen others that were a bad fit and I echo PPs comments that you need to find the right person for the job.

What I find great about our therapist (in retrospect) was that he really tried to redirect the conversation back to what was good about our relationship - he continually talked about "reconnecting" what would that take? How do we flesh out the crap and then look at it and figure out what we want to do moving forward. He was so good that I think if we had ended up divorcing, it would have made it much more amicable. My husband didn't want to talk, and it was tough for him at first, but the therapist found a way to talk about the not talking, sort of like cracking a nut.

If you don't feel like it's helping - try someone else, and history is important but so is being a grown-up and owning your crap today - and that's what we found useful. He sort of gave us a framework of how to have a productive conversation so that now, we do just go to dinner or find a private moment to confer and even though we don't go to therapy any longer, we know how to communicate much better.

This sounds like DH and me. Do you mind sharing the name of your therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So how do I ensure the therapist will focus on helping us, not dwelling on background info? If it's not helpful then DH will not want to continue and I will have lost my chance. I don't know anyone in real life who has gone to marriage counseling so I can't ask for recs. I've done a search through my insurance and there's a ton, so don't really know where to start.

We are in upcounty MoCo, so the usual recommendations on this site won't really apply to us. We can't get to DC or Bethesda during the week.

-OP

OP this is suspiciously sounding like you are doing all the work and he has some sort of veto power that you dont. And like you just get this ONE chance. What gives?? Why isnt HE thinking about what kind of counseling you two should have? Is he just going to "please" you? If so, let me assure you, it wont work.

He doesn't believe in therapy although I think he would agree to try it if I felt strongly about it. But the therapist would have to give concrete advice, or else he will think it's useless. Another concern is that we'd end up bickering about what we talked about in therapy. If so, then it's not worth it. If DH would go to therapy just to please me and that won't work, any suggestions for what will work?

I feel a lot of resentment toward him in regard to how involved a parent he is, and there is also a lot of score keeping. We've started bickering in front of DS, which I always promised myself I'd avoid doing, since I grew up in that type of environment and hated it. We need to get to a better place in our marriage. I am the OP of the "involved dads" thread last week.

-OP

Im not familiar with the thread, but overall I would recommend trying to read some of the Gottman books. They literally contain the best concrete evidence of what works in relationships - and the WHY behind what is working.

Resentment is never a good thing. I assume you have tried to set up a schedule of tasks and just divide it?

If there is an impasse reached its helpful to isolate if its "just about" the issues or if its become more about the core of the relationship itself.

Im recently seprarated from a toxic relationship. My experience was that therapy did no good whatsoever in getting my husband to see /acknowledge/do anything about the hideous imbalances in our relationship. he did agree to therapy but used therapy to bamboozle the therapist by acting all complicit. Then wouldnt deliver.