I am totally alone

[Anonymous]

I posted a few months back some of our back story. Last month I posted about how I've always been strange and how it's hindered my ability to make friends. Now DH and I are in a bad situation, have moved away from DC, and I am isolated. I also have a very hard time making friends. I parent differently - I just live differently. For some reason people take it as a judgment against them and it's not, just the way I do things. Human nature, I suppose. So now, we're in a small town, DH is frequently gone, and I have limited interactions with other moms and other women. When I do, they immediately think I'm weird. Is there any way I can become more "normal", especially around other moms? Could I have Asperger's? I swear, sometimes I feel like I do. Any advice for me?

[Anonymous]

I don't get how people would think you were judgy unless you said things about your choices or their choices. Just because you do something different, I'm not going to think you're judging. If you go on and on about how you parent, that's different.

Can you give some examples?

[Anonymous]

1) Most people are more worried about how you might be judging them to judge them.
2) Many (most?) people feel weird and alone at least sometimes, and in many cases often.

[Anonymous]

For example, I was changing DC's diaper the other day, and a mom noticed it was cloth (hard to hide) and said, "Oh, I bet you think you're better than me because you use cloth and I use Huggies." It was strange, so strange. I didn't know what to say and just muttered something about it being cheaper. I have a really hard time dealing with up front people and knowing what to say when I'm directly challenged.

[Anonymous]

Another one, some moms were trying to set up a Sunday morning park playdate and I said it sounded nice but we would be late. Another mom, who I'd never even met, said, "What, because you've got chuuuuuuch?" I felt like I was back in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For example, I was changing DC's diaper the other day, and a mom noticed it was cloth (hard to hide) and said, "Oh, I bet you think you're better than me because you use cloth and I use Huggies." It was strange, so strange. I didn't know what to say and just muttered something about it being cheaper. I have a really hard time dealing with up front people and knowing what to say when I'm directly challenged.

WHAT? What an amazingly rude person. Well, if your town is filled with people like that, I can see the problem...and it isn't you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For example, I was changing DC's diaper the other day, and a mom noticed it was cloth (hard to hide) and said, "Oh, I bet you think you're better than me because you use cloth and I use Huggies." It was strange, so strange. I didn't know what to say and just muttered something about it being cheaper. I have a really hard time dealing with up front people and knowing what to say when I'm directly challenged.

If I was in your situation, I would come up with a few multi-purpose de-escalation phrases. So in this situation, you could say, "Nope! I think we're both doing the best we can!" and then compliment her or her child in some way. That phrase will work for a lot of situations, and the more you use it, the more natural it will become.

Note: it also has the added benefit of being true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another one, some moms were trying to set up a Sunday morning park playdate and I said it sounded nice but we would be late. Another mom, who I'd never even met, said, "What, because you've got chuuuuuuch?" I felt like I was back in high school.

PP with the stock phrase suggestion. In this case, I would have said, "Yes, we're going to church, but we'll be there around noon!" or "No, we'll be grocery shopping, but we'll be there around noon!" They are clearly carrying some chips on their shoulders. Try not to carry one on yours. It's just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Where are you trying to meet people? At church? At the park? At the mall?

This might govern the type of interactions that you have. Stay at home moms in small towns are probably less likely to be educated that stay at home mom in the DMV area. Your challenge is finding people on the same education and socioeconomic level as yourself. If you are not working, that probably complicates things.

[Anonymous]

*than

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you trying to meet people? At church? At the park? At the mall?

This might govern the type of interactions that you have. Stay at home moms in small towns are probably less likely to be educated that stay at home mom in the DMV area. Your challenge is finding people on the same education and socioeconomic level as yourself. If you are not working, that probably complicates things.

I consult, so I'm kind of a WOHM and SAHM hybrid. It definitely makes things tougher.

I don't meet moms at church, as much as I would love to. DH and I are pretty religiously conservative, so we attend a conservative church, but those women typically don't work and don't like the fact that I do. It's a new world, for sure, and it's usually my problems - I seem to straddle two different worlds a lot. Usually I find play dates online.

[Anonymous]

I hAve a set up similar to OP and have not come across moms who don't like me because of it. There must be more going on. Are you giving these moms nasty faces without realizing it? I have friends with all different parenting styles and have not once come across what op is describing happens to her all the time and in different cities.

[Anonymous]

I never allow anyone to talk down to me. I don't care who it is. Since those women aren't going to be your friend anyway, next time the cloth diapers come up say yes, I use cloth. It was all we had in prison so when I got out I just kept using them. As for church, say yes, I have to go to church, it's part of my early release probation.

I know lonely, having moved many many times and over the years I've met my share of mouthy women. Better to hurt their feelings than yours getting constantly hurt.

Don't try to force socializing. Look for things you enjoy and from there you'll meet ladies more like yourself.

[Anonymous]

If this problem has followed you to a new area, then the issue is you. You're doing something to make these people not like you.

[Anonymous]

You learn to make such awkward situations into ice-breakers:

Oh, I supposed you think you're better than me for using cloth diapers while I use Huggies.
---Nope. I'm new around here, but most of my friend from back home use disposables too and think I'm weird, but it works better for me. Hi, I'm Alice. And the wiggly one is Larla. How are you?

---Sunday morning sounds great! But we'll be a little late.
Why? Because you have church?
---Yeah, we're new around here and church is comforting especially since we didn't know anyone. But we'll be there as soon as we can.
or if you don't want to mention church (or it isn't church)
---Oh, we just have a commitment first thing that morning. But we'll be there as soon as we can. We're looking forward to seeing you!

I've found that many people don't seem to know how rude their first comment is. So, I try to avoid taking offense from a first comment and try to turn it into a conversation starter. Respond, but don't react and don't be either judgmental or defensive in your first response. Make the first response be one of "that's just the way it is or that it works for me." and open a conversation. Sometimes it doesn't work, but it only needs to work once or twice before you'll start making friends. Often people like the disposable diaper mom are feeling defensive for some reason and if you can calm their defensive instincts they're very nice. For all you know, that mother's sister or sister in law is a rabid cloth diaper user who constantly gives her crap about using disposables. I've found that if you keep early topics neutral, you can actually have more conversations with strangers who may become friends.