sounds like the right therapy?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are going through an extremely rocky patch. There is wide-spread verbal abuse -- loud, insulting, frightening, on occasion, public -- directed at me or the children. Within minutes of everybody getting home from work and school (we both work), our "home" explodes with expletives, slammed doors, kids sent away to their rooms, and yelled at using the loudest, meanest sounds a man can make. Like the poster on some other thread, I have tried to frame this as a mental issue that needs treatment, and go about finding a solution. That brought us to this family therapist, someone who strongly believes in helping couples stay together, rather than helping them through the separation path. DH showed up, but refused to engage initially, then presented a long list of "faults" (mine) to an individual meeting. The therapist decided he only wanted to work with me.

We are now about 2 months into this "working with me" phase, and we still don;t have a plan. I guess I selected this therapist because he was a male, so DH would feel less "bossed around", and because he was willing to guide us to a healthier relationship rather than jump on the divorce bandwagon. But if I am going to see him for myself, I'm not at all sure he is the person I need to be seeing -- I leave angry and diminished every time, instead of inspired and ready to try new things. I feel like he's trying to shape me to conform to a womanhood ideal straight from the 50s. It might soothe some problems immediately, but I am not that person, and I doubt DH would ultimately want that transformation. I realize that it was not going to be easy, but does this sound right?

I would still like a suggestion for a great psychologist who can work with DH. And some advice on whether I should seek out personal counselling and leave the family therapy for the time when DH is a bit calmer, hopefully with some treatment and maybe a different therapist. Is this just bad family therapy, or exactly what family therapy is?

Is "marriage-friendly therapy" a code word for therapy suited perhaps for a more traditional family than ours?

[Anonymous]

This is bad therapy. Because the guy is not helping you achieve your goals. Find someone else.

[Anonymous]

It's really bad family therapy. You need to get rid of the therapist and your DH! You need to find a therapist who is skilled at working with abuse victims. You should also read "Shpuld I Stay or Should I Go" by Lundy Bancroft and also get Patricia Evans's books on verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

This is bad therapy. I didn't know therapists would agree to help abused people work on how they can change to tolerate the abuse better.

Find another therapist ASAP.

[Anonymous]

There are 2 paths when you are married to an abusive person. Either divorce or live with it. You will not change him, he doesn't think he has a problem.

Get out now and find a therapist who will help you figure out how to build a supportive community and guide your children through this. They'll probably be relieved.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is the one yelling and screaming, then why are you in therapy???

My DH is like this. Let me know if you find a solution.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Why is he not seeing your husband? He feels like your husband has no issues and doesn't need to learn anything?

[Anonymous]

Which practice is this? We are considering a place which sounds very similar.

[Anonymous]

DH was non-cooperative. Se we tried to see what we can do on my side. Don;t particularly want to shame the office, because what does not work for me seems to work well for many others (they have good feedback on this list, from families that recovered through his efforts). It's just that I don't find an alignment between my personality, situation, goals and where I feel like I'm being directed.

If I've learned anything from this experience, is that I will need to ask some qualifying questions that will "place" the therapist's philosophy in some context. Someone who sees success in the traditional single-income family, or who is opposed to divorce because of a religious belief, will not necessarily be able to safe a marriage with two partners that seek a no-divorce solution stemming from a different motivation than ours.

[Anonymous]

safe -> save ... of course.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH still yell and scream?

[Anonymous]

Your problem is that you have framed this as a mental health issue and sought treatment from a "therapist". If you believe that your DH's aggressive behavior is a result of a mental illness like bipolar depression, general depression, anxiety, ptsd, OCD, etc. Then, he needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and, depending on what the psychiatrist says, take medication. Frame this not as "you are abusing us, you need help or I will leave" but rather as, "you seem unhappy and very angry all the time, I want you to have a calmer, happier life, I've made an appointment with X and I'd like us to go together for an initial intake." Give him a choice of 3 psychiatrists, from your health care plan if possible, who are experienced in mood disorders. You will have to spend an afternoon calling around seeing who has what kind of expertise and is taking new patients. Make sure that the psychiatrist is open to initial information from a family member and ongoing periodic check-ins with a family member. Good docs know that patients with mood disorders often can't accurately report their mood states. Family involvement in treatment is a best practice.

Family therapy will not be helpful until the underlying cause for the anger is found and treated.

Many therapists are really unqualified to deal with these kind of mental illness issues, and it is quite common to see poorly qualified counselors mischaracterizing a patient's mood state as "caused" by a "family problem."

The bottom line is that you can try for a period of time (however much you think you and the kids can safely handle) to help him get help. But in the end, he is the only one that can get himself in the door of the doctor's office. I think you know that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. At a certain point, if he doesn't accept help, you will have to leave for the health and safety of the rest of the family. While you are helping him, make sure you are helping yourself -- know all the family financial information, make sure you have your own credit cards and savings in your name only, be employed, etc.