Why did you marry him/her?

[Anonymous]

Is a pointless question.

[Anonymous]

x2. Would appreciate if people stop asking this question in a passive aggressive way, particularly when people are heartbroken over an abusive situation and asking for advice. it's really so condescending and cruel.

[Anonymous]

It is a legitimate question even if not helpful in solving a person's immediate problem.

It is something that has crossed my mind many times because I genuinely don't believe that people change so drastically after marriage to become absolute jerks. It almost seems like people tend to under-emphasize those warning signs or feel they can change their partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a legitimate question even if not helpful in solving a person's immediate problem.

It is something that has crossed my mind many times because I genuinely don't believe that people change so drastically after marriage to become absolute jerks. It almost seems like people tend to under-emphasize those warning signs or feel they can change their partner.

So you are asking them that question.... to catch them out in a lie? You honestly cannot fathom that people change over time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a legitimate question even if not helpful in solving a person's immediate problem.

It is something that has crossed my mind many times because I genuinely don't believe that people change so drastically after marriage to become absolute jerks. It almost seems like people tend to under-emphasize those warning signs or feel they can change their partner.

So what if they do? Ask them that question when they're back in the dating pool wondering if they're dating a jerk. That's when you should remind them of why their first marriage didnt work out. But when they're in the middle of a crisis with the person they married, that's the worst time to start with the I told you so rhetoric. Especially if they're dealing with abuse. Bullying abuse victims doesn't make you a bigger person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a legitimate question even if not helpful in solving a person's immediate problem.

It is something that has crossed my mind many times because I genuinely don't believe that people change so drastically after marriage to become absolute jerks. It almost seems like people tend to under-emphasize those warning signs or feel they can change their partner.

So what if they do? Ask them that question when they're back in the dating pool wondering if they're dating a jerk. That's when you should remind them of why their first marriage didnt work out. But when they're in the middle of a crisis with the person they married, that's the worst time to start with the I told you so rhetoric. Especially if they're dealing with abuse. Bullying abuse victims doesn't make you a bigger person.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

Yes, because making suffering people feel worse in order to teach a lesson to others is an awesome thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

You think people should date 6+ years before getting married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

You think people should date 6+ years before getting married?

At least. Bare minimum.

[Anonymous]

I don't think asking someone a question like that is "bullying." If you think so, you are probably overly sensitive. Seriously. People are asking because they want you to tell them if the warning signs were there. Maybe they were, and you missed them. Maybe it's totally new behavior. (in which case, there may be an underlying cause, like an affair or a brain tumor or the emergence of a mental illness.)

You could answer, "why did you marry him?" with something like, "because he seemed like a kind person and we had similar goals and ambitions and we had great conversations. " Or with, "because he didn't show his true colors until later in our marriage." You don't have to take it as, "oh this person is trying to make me feel stupid." Maybe they are genuinely curious. Maybe they are trying to make better choices in their own relationships or they are thinking that maybe they know someone in a similar situation who could help you.

If you can't handle a question like this, I don't know how you expect to have actual conversations and friendships. Friends talk about stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

You think people should date 6+ years before getting married?

At least. Bare minimum.

I dated my DH for six weeks. We've been married for 22 years in August. We're pretty happy.

[Anonymous]

You know, I have been on both sides of this question on the forum and when I ask it, it's not to be aggressive or passive aggressive. It's to help think through the situation. When people post on here they're probably angry at their partner, but it helps to be able to step back for a second and think about why you chose that person, what their positive qualities are, is this really a crisis or is this person is a total jerk and it's time to end things.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this can be an annoying, unpleasant question - depending on how it's used. But I agree w/ 13:02 - it can also be a very useful exercise (and a common counseling technique).

Marriage has proven much harder than I expected, much more challenging, and much less fulfilling in some ways than I had envisioned. On tough days I ask myself why I married him - it helps me focus on the enduring wonderful things about my husband, the many things I take for granted now that were a welcome surprise in meeting and getting to know him, and an important counterbalance to the often overwhelming aggravations of daily life.

I think it's an important question. Though I concede that it's often used on DCUM for very different purposes.

[Anonymous]

Some people ask the question to remind you WHY, the good reasons you married your spouse that you may be taking for granted or overlooking now.

You don't like the answer, so you don't like the question.