Why did you marry him/her?

[Anonymous]

I also believe that for those contemplating marriage, it may offer a word of caution that those faults which seem palatable and may be even appealing while courting may turn out to be a very different situation once someone has been married a few years.

I don't for one moment believe that the problems associated with a person complaining about his/her spouse just suddenly surfaced from nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

Four years, probably one spent planning the wedding, is not enough time to know someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

This. Sometimes you really don't know someone until you have a kid with them. There's not always a way to predict this. I too, wish posters would stop with this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

I disagree. DH and I knew each other a whopping 8 mos. before tying the knot. His parents knew each other for a similar amount of time. I know people all over the map in terms of how long they have been married, are they still married, and how long they dated before getting married.

The stats say that cohabitation and a prolonged period of dating before marriage does not equal a more solid union.

My $0.02.

[Anonymous]

She has a perfect body, a good mind and a nice personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

This. Sometimes you really don't know someone until you have a kid with them. There's not always a way to predict this. I too, wish posters would stop with this question.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree. Annoying, passive aggressive, and disingenuous. 99% of the time it's asked to imply judgement and superiority, so I have to disagree with the PPs saying it's useful or could turn into self analysis or whatever. It annoys me mostly because it diverts from the main point of the thread, which is usually to offer real advice, support or encouragement to someone who's in some hellish situation. "Why did you marry him"? Oh, well, duh, I don't know, maybe because Im not as awesome as you are, not so incredibly talented at judging people or excellent in making good life decisions.

LOL! I wish just once someone would give that response when they are asked this inane question. Now that would shut the DCUM harpies and make them realize how utterly ludicrous and passive aggressive their question is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

This. Sometimes you really don't know someone until you have a kid with them. There's not always a way to predict this. I too, wish posters would stop with this question.

Agreed.

x4

You can "know" someone for any number of years, but you don't know how they'll behave as a parent until they are one. I think it's kids that turn us into different people, not marriage or wedding planning.

[Anonymous]

I married him because I got emotionally attached, and I couldn't put him on my health insurance unless we were legally married- he does outside consulting.

Its important to me to keep my promises, for better or for worse. but I made excuses for bad behavior which was really character related.

I'm staying married, but I'm distrustful and sad at times. There are shining times still were the intimacy is very satisfying, but I'd probably make different decisions if I did it over again.

[Anonymous]

People change in 20+ years time.

Are you the same person at 45 that you were at 25?

It's possible to see somebody transform right before your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

If you get married in year two of "dating," your marriage will be successful.

If you get married in year six of "dating," you have no hope of a marriage lasting more than three years. You have grown apart in that half decade by not being committed to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

The whole purpose of the sheen is to get you through the everyday stresses of marriage. Marry someone and learn how to live together in love and respect rather than cohabit with them and have a whatever existence. Those who argue for these long cohabitation periods are women who can't land a man and think if they hang around long enough they will get him by default. So they get that kind of man

[Anonymous]

Because he tricked me.