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Do the parents you know resemble DCUM posters?
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Anonymous
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I read this forum in part for info about schools and other kid-related subjects, but sometimes because it's such a fascinating display of human personalities.
Today while talking to a few other parents at work it occurred to me that I don't know anyone who talks about their kids like many of the posters I read here: --I've never heard the term "big 3" outside of here, even among my big-law friends who can and will pay for that kind of option --I've never heard a "mommy war" discussion among my co-workers or other friends --Don't know anyone who is losing it over school applications --Don't know anyone who feels strongly about "red-shirting" kids or not --None of my friends ever expressed guilt about ceasing to breast feed or about going back to work --I've never heard anyone denigrate mothers who don't work outside the home --I know fewer at-home parents than work-out-of-home parents, but none of the at-homes has anything against me or how I do things --No one I know has a nanny cam --All of my friends vaccinate our children and I don't know anyone who considered otherwise --None of my friends sought an "academic" preschool --I don't know anyone who describes his or her own child as "gifted," or "advanced," even though some of my friends' kids seem pretty amazing (at things like soccer, music, reading). I guess what I'm saying is-- the "wars" I read on here seem very interesting and heated and important, but honestly I don't know anyone in the real world who is engaged in them. Is it possible that I'm just in with a lackadaisical, slacking parent crowd or is this board a bit intense? BTW I live and work in DC, as a policy wonk. Most of my friends are in non-profits, government, charitable orgs, and a few law firm people who throw better parties with better wine than we do. |
Anonymous
That says it all. |
Anonymous
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Agree. But I will say this - I am *dying* to meet in person some of the women on here who are all "Beauvoir/St. Pat's-or-bust!" They just fascinate me with their laser focus.
Like you, I've never heard anyone discuss this IRL. Could be I'm in the wrong parts of NW DC, though. |
Anonymous
| .... also, St. Albans hopefuls. I want to meet them too. |
Anonymous
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I'm with you OP; DCUM has exposed me to a very creepy and intense type of parent that I don't see anywhere else in discussions at work, in neighborhood, among friends, in random discussions at parks, etc. I can think of three factors:
(1) Maybe I just happen to have talked to only low-key people outside of DCUM in real life ("IRL")? I sort of doubt that. My friends are mostly low-key, but I work with a lot of type-A parents and there are many in my neighborhood. I'm guessing my circle is no more or less intense than anyone else's. (2) Maybe lots of people I know in real life are more intense than I realize? Are all my friends and co-workers who seem so mellow actually secret DCUM freaks? Maybe some of them. I think most people (not all, but most) try to be considerate and civil and tactful and low-key in real life. Maybe they are making judgments and are more intense about schools or breastfeeding or SAHMs on the inside, but they have the good sense to limit those thoughts to their inside voices. Here on DCUM, some of those people who are normal IRL just feel free to let loose with their inner craziness since it's anonymous. I think this accounts for some small percentage of the DCUM craziness, but I actually don't believe that most people are secretly as crazy as we see here on DCUM. (3) Maybe DCUM attracts people who are hyper-intense and/or trolls? I think this is the most significant factor. I think that most people on DCUM are normal, considerate people who maybe sometimes are a little more free with their opinions when posting here than IRL. However, I think there is a relatively small minority of hyper-intense parents who use DCUM as an outlet for their strong views. I suspect that those strong-view types have the same strong opinions in real life, and probably are not shy about expressing them, but once they discover DCUM ... watch out! When they get here, they want to make sure everyone listens to their strong views, and they feel free (and maybe even feel they must) express their strong feelings without any consideration for anyone else or any willingness to consider opposing viewpoints. Basically, I think people in this third group are jerks in real life and super-jerks when they get here. When I think about it, I can envision a few people I work with or know in the neighborhood, those who are sort of obnoxious IRL, coming here and being super-jerks. Most of them probably are not here, and I really do believe it's a pretty small minority of people here who instigate most of the drama. Anyway, that's how I think about it. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. We'll never know for sure unless everyone starts using logins (so we could spot the super-jerks). |
Anonymous
| The people I see who match the attitude here are those who work in customer service eg CVS, fast food, medical office staff, store counter help. They are as big jerks and judgmental as those here but no money to back it. Oh well, the recession will help adjust a lot of attitudes and expectations. |
Anonymous
I think it is more likely people say, and write, things anonymously that they would not say "in polite company." I think this board would have a different and less entertaining tone if people had to post their real names. People use this board not only to get and share information but to also vent in a way they can't in other venues. Now go away you non-profit hippie.  See, I'd never say that to my friends and family.
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Anonymous
| OP, I agree with you. None of those issues comes up when talking to my mom friends but I will say that when I was a new mom I met another new mom at Starbucks who asked me if I had found an educational consultant yet. I almost laughed out loud but realized she was serious and that was the end of that potential "friendship". |
Anonymous
I would never use this term in real life. Have used it here, mostly in irritation.
This topic would never come up at work; I don't think any of my friends have strong feelings on this matter.
I completely utterly lost it over school applications, but only my best friend who was also losing it knew. With everyone else, it was always, "Oh, we're applying to some schools, we're not taking it too seriously, wherever she ends up will be fine." Right.
Used to feel very strongly about this, but oddly enough, after reading many incredibly obnoxious postings about this on DCUM, have decided I don't care. Still hope never to meet you, though, obnoxious red-shirting poster.
Have never discussed the former, but have certainly heard and expressed at least ambivalence about the latter.
Agree with all the above. Also live and work in DC in the policy/non-profit world. |
Anonymous
| Another thought: most of the people you know probably share your basic values and attitudes. If nothing else, you've probably weeded out those who don't. So it's not surprising that heated debates about things like vaccination would be much rarer in real life. |
Anonymous
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By nature of a discussion forum, if you start a thread on a topic, you will get comments by the, say, three or four people who care very deeply about that topic. Chances are that's 3 or 4 out of 100 people.
It probably isn't the same 3 of 4% who care deeply about every topic though. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I think you're in the majority actually, which is good. There are definitely those crazy types you describe, but in my world (I'm an educator in the public school system), they don't exist. So carry on, have fun with your policy work, enjoy your non-profit pals and have a good weekend! |
Anonymous
| Cannot say I know any personally but I have been out to lunch with not toddler and have overheard women at nearby tables talking about "controversial" threads that were running on DCUM at the time. It make me chuckle. |
Anonymous
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"I guess what I'm saying is-- the "wars" I read on here seem very interesting and heated and important, but honestly I don't know anyone in the real world who is engaged in them. Is it possible that I'm just in with a lackadaisical, slacking parent crowd or is this board a bit intense? "
No, the board is accurate. Perhaps people aren't willing to share with you in person. "The people I see who match the attitude here are those who work in customer service eg CVS, fast food, medical office staff, store counter help. They are as big jerks and judgmental as those here but no money to back it. Oh well, the recession will help adjust a lot of attitudes and expectations. " You betcha! |
Anonymous
Great thread! I also work in DC (but live just outside the beltway) and am a non-profit (association) policy wonk as well. I am always the one posting that nothing is black and white like on these boards! In fact I just posted that in another thread! I would agree with a lot of these but do know if a few real world examples of some of this. I've been slightly involved in the mommy wars. I met a woman when we were both pregnant and we became friends and hung out during maternity leave. She didn't go back to work (at least in the traditional sense, she was attempting to work a few hours a week on a contract basis from home with no childcare which was tough) and all during maternity leave, we were open about how tough it was to be a new mom, sleep deprived zombies, etc. and yet as soon as I went back to work, she switched gears and all she wanted to talk about was how great SAH was, how she would feel like she was missing out if she worked, etc. It was annoying so we've since lost touch. But, you are right in that that's the only example of that. Most moms I know aren't like that. BF thing - I know a few moms who weren't able to BF and felt horrible guilt, but once the postpartum stuff wore off, they are fine with it and moved on. I think the vaccination is a hot topic when babies are born, but once you look into logistics of - I agree most moms I know vaccinate on schedule. However, I hear a lot of people say they are looking into spacing and then when it gets down to it, they don't. In my experience, it was easy to obsess over that while you're pregnant but once you have a kid you have a million other things to worry about and you move on! Finally, I admit I don't even know what red-shirting is!!!! |