Don't have courage to dump BF

[Anonymous]

I'm in a 5-year relationship with a wonderful man who I love in many ways and who I think is a great person - but over 2014 I really understood that he'd be a good husband for someone else, not me. Our values have changed as we've gotten older and so have our priorities. I'm increasingly feeling stifled and mismatched but I don't have the courage to dump him. We already broke up three times and got back together and two of those times were at my initiation (one was mutual). I just don't want to hurt him again and I'm not ready for the fight that will follow. And as much as I don't want to date him, I feel some anxiety of not having the comfort of his friendship and company in my life again. And I'm scared of his reaction to another break up. Not in a "he's violent" way but in a "I can't take his sadness, anger, arguments and all the negative emotions associated with breaking up".

I also genuinely care about him so I hate how hurt he might be by this and I NEVER wanted to hurt him.

Any stories of hard break ups that ended up being the right decision?

[Anonymous]

Are you really scared to break up with him because you do not want to hurt him OP or is there more to your story? Are you also perhaps really afraid of being alone...?? I think that is the true reason why many people choose to stay in relationships they know are not right for them. Because they feel like they cannot survive being alone. They see being single as the worst possible status that anyone can bestow upon them.

Society has us trained that we only matter if we are an extension of another person. That unless we are, we are not complete on our own. That being single is simply a "temporary" status...that it will get "better."

So I guess one is respected more if they are part of a couple even if they are miserable, then if they are alone even if alone they are happy and doing right by themselves.

I say, it's better to stand on your own and be single than to waste your time in a bad relationship with someone where you know there is no future with and live every single day wasted.

Life is to be celebrated....Not simply endured.

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy and figure out why you don't value yourself enough to be happy and believe in putting someone else before you. You've identified that this isn't the relationship for you, yet you continue in it. This isn't a dress rehearsal. Life happens today. Why would you waste a day with someone you don't want to be with? Mind boggling.

[Anonymous]

Practical advice is that you dump him again, talk it out that one time then delete him from Facebook, block him on your phone, etc.

That way there is no temptation to continue the cycle and it is a clean break.

[Anonymous]

If you're not going to marry him and give him the kind of wife he deserves, breaking up with him, while painful, would be a kindness to him. Let him go so he can find real happiness with someone who wants to be with him, all in. The longer you drag this out, the less likely it is that he'll be able to find that person. To stay with him because you're afraid of being on your own is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Practical advice is that you dump him again, talk it out that one time then delete him from Facebook, block him on your phone, etc.

That way there is no temptation to continue the cycle and it is a clean break.

I agree with this. There is no other way.

Also, when you break up with him, there is no need to give concrete reasons. He simply isn't right for you -- that is sufficient. In one of my breakups, I was really hung up on how to explain it to him, because he was so emotionally needy. I thank God that I broke it off.

Just do what you need to do. Obviously, this isn't going to work out for you. Don't waste your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really scared to break up with him because you do not want to hurt him OP or is there more to your story? Are you also perhaps really afraid of being alone...?? I think that is the true reason why many people choose to stay in relationships they know are not right for them. Because they feel like they cannot survive being alone. They see being single as the worst possible status that anyone can bestow upon them.

Society has us trained that we only matter if we are an extension of another person. That unless we are, we are not complete on our own. That being single is simply a "temporary" status...that it will get "better."

So I guess one is respected more if they are part of a couple even if they are miserable, then if they are alone even if alone they are happy and doing right by themselves.

I say, it's better to stand on your own and be single than to waste your time in a bad relationship with someone where you know there is no future with and live every single day wasted.

Life is to be celebrated....Not simply endured.

This is the best advice ever. I wish everyone taught their children that.

[Anonymous]

this was me in grad school. Trust me, you're doing him no favors by dragging him back into a relationship you don't want to be in. let him find someone who loves him and is not just using him for an emotional tampon. You are being cowardly--not because you're afraid to break up, but because you're prioritizing your feelings over his. You act like you aren't, but in fact you're scared of the fallout and how bad you will feel if you break up. You are also not giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is, in fact, strong enough to get over you.

If you really care about him, end it cleanly and don't drag him back.

and then, spend some time figuring out why you stuck it out so long when you knew it wasn't working.

[Anonymous]

What you are doing is cruel and awful to both of you, but especially to him. If you care anything about him, make a clean break. It's not just about courage; it's about integrity. Get some. You are hurting someone who you supposedly love. Stop it. Give him a chance to be free.

[Anonymous]

Every single breakup I've had has been difficult, and every single one has been the right decision.

My only regrets about breakups are that most of them took too long to happen.

And now I'm in a happy marriage. That's why we break up with people: to get to happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this was me in grad school. Trust me, you're doing him no favors by dragging him back into a relationship you don't want to be in. let him find someone who loves him and is not just using him for an emotional tampon. You are being cowardly--not because you're afraid to break up, but because you're prioritizing your feelings over his. You act like you aren't, but in fact you're scared of the fallout and how bad you will feel if you break up. You are also not giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is, in fact, strong enough to get over you.

If you really care about him, end it cleanly and don't drag him back.

and then, spend some time figuring out why you stuck it out so long when you knew it wasn't working.

As a guy who has been put through this, and, much more recently, having watched a woman I was involved with do this to another guy (she broke up with him, said "let's be friends" when he clearly continued to want me, and kept him as plan B while she dated several other people after we broke up, ultimately starting a family with plan B), do the right thing and let him go. If you love him, then you will want the best for him, which is someone who loves him unreservedly and is happy in a relationship with him, and that someone is not you.

You are not a bad person for dumping him; on the contrary: not dumping him makes you a bad person. I agree with the other advice about getting therapy to see why you are afraid of letting him go when you know you really aren't happy.

Oh, and that "friends after the breakup" crap? It's crap. I have an ex-wife (16 year marriage) and we are amicable (friendly) and look out for each other to the extent our paths cross, but we are not hang-out buddies. There's too much non-buddy history for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she broke up with him, said "let's be friends" when he clearly continued to want me

Hilarious slip...should have been "her". I am he PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really scared to break up with him because you do not want to hurt him OP or is there more to your story? Are you also perhaps really afraid of being alone...?? I think that is the true reason why many people choose to stay in relationships they know are not right for them. Because they feel like they cannot survive being alone. They see being single as the worst possible status that anyone can bestow upon them.

Society has us trained that we only matter if we are an extension of another person. That unless we are, we are not complete on our own. That being single is simply a "temporary" status...that it will get "better."

So I guess one is respected more if they are part of a couple even if they are miserable, then if they are alone even if alone they are happy and doing right by themselves.

I say, it's better to stand on your own and be single than to waste your time in a bad relationship with someone where you know there is no future with and live every single day wasted.

Life is to be celebrated....Not simply endured.

This is the best advice ever. I wish everyone taught their children that.

x 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she broke up with him, said "let's be friends" when he clearly continued to want me

Hilarious slip...should have been "her". I am he PP.

Or did it happen like you wrote it and are afraid

[Anonymous]

If completely fading to black is too hard (and I get it, it's been 5 years after all) then break up and decide that you will have no contact for x amount of time, like 60 days. You can reevaluate then if you want to but really you probably just need a little time away to get back to yourself. If the prospect of never speaking to him again is holding you back, baby step it.