Sister involved in emotional affair

[Anonymous]

I am just wondering if anyone has advice, perhaps someone who has BTDT. My family is from the DC area, however my husbands job had us relocated for the past year. My sister and I are quite close and communicated daily while i was gone, along with visits. However, upon my return we went out for a girls night, got a little bit tipsy and she opened up to me. She let me know her marriage to her husband has gone from bad to worse--I always knew he had a short temper. One christmas he called her an idiot ( in front of us) for having someone open the wrong gift by accident. I was shocked he spoke to her this way, so at the time questioned her and she said that when he was stressed or angry he would call her names and demean her ( even in front of their young child). This alone shocked me , but as she seemed to brush it off I didn't want to overstep so just let her know she could always talk to me and i felt it was wrong, but I dropped it. When I talked to her on our girls night she informed me that not only did he still berate her , go off at the drop of a hat, but also that he had pushed her. She said it was only once and he apologized profusely, but to me that is a line that once crossed is hard to return from. She then dropped the bigger bomb on me---she is in love with her colleague. I know this is so cliche. She works for a small non profit and this was her "work husband". He is single, no kids, but at the holiday party after a few drinks confessed he loved her. She realized she felt the same. He sounds like the exact opposite of her husband, kind, calm, sweet and loving. My initial reaction was happy for her ( i know this seems crazy), but she seemed so happy. However now that I have had a couple days to think about it, I worry that my reaction is just enabling the situation. As much as i am not a fan of her husband, I am not sure if supporting an emotional affair is smart. She swears they have not done anything physical and they won't as long as she is married. She is telling me this is giving her the push to leave the husband , which i have secretly been hoping she would do---so feel in a way i am enabling this. Is that wrong of me to do? She is my younger sister , so I admit I do feel the need to protect her and perhaps overstep my boundaries, but would appreciate any advice or thoughts. I have never been in a situation like this so am in unchartered territory.

[Anonymous]

Does she have kids?

[Anonymous]

Op, need to know if your sister has kids.
Also, support this emotional affair. Her husband isn't doing what it takes to make your sister happy.

If not, then she should move on.

I imagine her husband is a good earner. But life is short and with no kids, then she needs to drop the bomb on her husband.

Anonymous wrote:Does she have kids?

[Anonymous]

Op said: "demean her ( even in front of their young child)." So yes they have at least one child.

[Anonymous]

Your sister should divorce her husband.

[Anonymous]

I personally don't believe in divorce, left is life !! So I would encourage counseling

[Anonymous]

Husband needs to go on an SSRI. She needs to work on her marriage and cut off the emotional affair. If counseling and medication for her husband doesn't work then she should divorce him. The emotional affair is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Snort, you are correct.
Want a cookie

Anonymous wrote:Op said: "demean her ( even in front of their young child)." So yes they have at least one child.

[Anonymous]

She should divorce and get together with the work person. Life is too short to be miserable, especially with someone who is like her husband. If this is the push she needs great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should divorce and get together with the work person. Life is too short to be miserable, especially with someone who is like her husband. If this is the push she needs great.

What terrible advice! Spoken like someone who has no children or been married. The op here is the exact reason why the sister should keep her trap shut because she probably just wanted to vent but does not need to be pushed one way or the other. Sisters love each other and don't want to see the other unhappy so they will give good natured advice that could put the sister having the affair from the frying pan into the fire. She married this man and had a child with him for a reason. They need to try to work it out. He probably has no idea how unhappy his wife really is. She needs to confront husband that she will leave him if he doesn't change his ways in the strongest way possible. Maybe leave for a week to make s point with the goal of pressuring him to go to counseling.

[Anonymous]

My cousin was 30, and she married the father of her baby when she was five months pregnant. She would have never married him if she wasn't pregnant. I have no qualms about supporting her to leave and divorce him now 15 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should divorce and get together with the work person. Life is too short to be miserable, especially with someone who is like her husband. If this is the push she needs great.

What terrible advice! Spoken like someone who has no children or been married. The op here is the exact reason why the sister should keep her trap shut because she probably just wanted to vent but does not need to be pushed one way or the other. Sisters love each other and don't want to see the other unhappy so they will give good natured advice that could put the sister having the affair from the frying pan into the fire. She married this man and had a child with him for a reason. They need to try to work it out. He probably has no idea how unhappy his wife really is. She needs to confront husband that she will leave him if he doesn't change his ways in the strongest way possible. Maybe leave for a week to make s point with the goal of pressuring him to go to counseling.

Do you think he believes that berating her verbally, including in front of their child, and getting physically aggressive with her makes her happy????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should divorce and get together with the work person. Life is too short to be miserable, especially with someone who is like her husband. If this is the push she needs great.

What terrible advice! Spoken like someone who has no children or been married. The op here is the exact reason why the sister should keep her trap shut because she probably just wanted to vent but does not need to be pushed one way or the other. Sisters love each other and don't want to see the other unhappy so they will give good natured advice that could put the sister having the affair from the frying pan into the fire. She married this man and had a child with him for a reason. They need to try to work it out. He probably has no idea how unhappy his wife really is. She needs to confront husband that she will leave him if he doesn't change his ways in the strongest way possible. Maybe leave for a week to make s point with the goal of pressuring him to go to counseling.

Do you think he believes that berating her verbally, including in front of their child, and getting physically aggressive with her makes her happy????

He probably thinks she understands his moods and can deal with them. That's how interpersonal dynamics work. She likely used to put up with it and he thinks she understands him and he may appreciate her understanding and may be surprised to hear she is truly as unhappy as she is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I totally am on the same page with you regarding her husband. He sounds to me like a very abusive and inconsiderate useless jerk. She most definitely needs to leave this marriage ASAP for her own as well as her child's safety and well-being.

That being said, jumping from a marriage with a child right into an office affair is not the right answer.

She needs to deal with the fall out from her divorce first and separately. In other words, she cannot deal with leaving her husband, dealing with the ensuing divorce and custodial/financial aspects while pursuing a new romance. It's just too much too soon.

I advise you to encourage her to take things one step at a time. Deal with her divorce issues, get all that squared away and done with....Then when all of that is said and done, she can move on and think about dating.

If this guy is really in love with her, he will be patient and wait for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should divorce and get together with the work person. Life is too short to be miserable, especially with someone who is like her husband. If this is the push she needs great.

What terrible advice! Spoken like someone who has no children or been married. The op here is the exact reason why the sister should keep her trap shut because she probably just wanted to vent but does not need to be pushed one way or the other. Sisters love each other and don't want to see the other unhappy so they will give good natured advice that could put the sister having the affair from the frying pan into the fire. She married this man and had a child with him for a reason. They need to try to work it out. He probably has no idea how unhappy his wife really is. She needs to confront husband that she will leave him if he doesn't change his ways in the strongest way possible. Maybe leave for a week to make s point with the goal of pressuring him to go to counseling.

Married with kids, actually. I know a lot of couples who were previously divorced , blended families ...and so much happier. Her young child will be better off with a happy (single or re-married) mom.