Feeling very distant from my children
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Anonymous
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I have two older teens, one in high school, one home for winter break from college. The younger one has had multiple academic issues and fights every attempt to try and help him. The other day, my DS even said to me "If I had a child like me, I would put him in an orphanage" Other than that, he is a pretty good kid with nice friends. The older DD is a nice person, but the drama in the household increases significantly when she is home. (correcting many things we say and do, extremely critical of her brother). Christmas was alot of work as usual, but turned out nicely with everyone exchanging presents and no fighting.
But now I just feel like I'm done. I don't know what's wrong with me. I honestly just wish they would disappear (or that I could run away!). I was short with DD this morning and could tell it hurt her feelings and now I feel terrible. I don't know what to say or do, and I'm glad that I have work today! Please advise, have you felt this way? What is the best way to deal with it since running away is not an option. |
Anonymous
| One thing I would advise it to not allow your older child to criticize and belittle your younger child. It's late in the game but try and do whatever it takes to shut this down. It's amazingly destructive and it's a terrible family dynamic to enable. |
Anonymous
| I agree with calling out tone and sarcasm from the earliest age possible. |
Anonymous
Yes, often. I have two teens myself who are like oil and water. It's exhausting to deal with them. I agree with the PP that you need to shut down the criticism and model good conversations as much as you can. With the younger one, the best thing might be to encourage them to get a job, if they don't have one yet. My DS, also an unmotivated student, has shaped up some after getting one. Originally, I was worried that a job would make his grades worse, but it has had the opposite effect. Also, shut down DS's self-critical comments ("I'd put myself in an orphanage"). Make sure he knows that you will NEVER give up on him. Repeat this like a mantra as often as you can. Eventually, it will sink in. Meanwhile, "what's wrong with you" is that you need to recharge. Make sure you are getting some exercise, eating well, and taking good care of yourself. You will need your strength. Hang in there, OP. |
Anonymous
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Thanks for the replies, especially 11:40 above. Trust me, I have been working on shutting down criticism and sarcasm for years. As PP above noted, it just gets exhausting after a while. I feel I have to be constantly on guard and ready with a positive redirection. A therapist I worked with in the past suggested saying something like "Can you rewind how you said that please?" in a very calm, neutral tone. It is very effective. Sometimes, I'll think the two of them are getting along great, I will let my guard down, and an eruption will occur. It is depleting to have to deal with this on top of the holidays.
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Anonymous
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OP - You sound like a very good, caring Mom who has worked hard to make Christmas a special time for all of you and succeeded so give yourself some leeway to just accept you are a bit tired. Try and do something one-on-one with your daughter that you both will enjoy while she is at home and likewise with your son during his break. In a couple of years your daughter will be on her own and wishing for more time at home with you and the brother she can't stand so much now. Part of her reaction to her brother may well be jealousy that he has your undivided attention so much still. You might mention that in a conversation at some point and just let her know again how proud you are of her achievements and just hope he does as well in the future, too. If Dad is not in the picture at all, is there a chance for your son that you could find a positive male role model in some way through a mentoring program or an activity DS enjoys with positive male coaches or leaders. |
Anonymous
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About 3 times a week. My ADHD kid just has bad days and everyone else must share here pain.
Her counselor said basically that one of the things they think is most important for challening kids is for the parents to have a therapy outlet because that can make difficult situations bearable. |
Anonymous
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While kids with ADHD as well as OCD, Tourettes or anxiety often work very hard to hold it in at school or out in the public domain, it does not help them to be able to let off steam within the family setting or be totally out of control on a continual basis. Working with the child/teen's therapist to develop appropriate means of releasing tension or just plain pent up anger or frustration needs to be fashioned as well as a commonsense approach to appropriate behavior toward family members. It is important that no thinks a spouse or child later on should just "put up with their behavior" so the redirection and training needs to start in the home. And, yes, parents may well need respite or just time away to do things for themselves either together or each taking a break at different times. |
Anonymous
Did I write this? It describes our situation to a T, down to the genders and ages of the kids. It's exhausting and sometimes I just want to run away, too. It doesn't help that DH is extremely passive and unengaged, so my attempts to motivate younger DS end up looking like helicoptering by comparison (and believe me, I'm no helicopter, I'm thrilled with the Bs). I feel kids need parenting and boundaries, so the family copy role has fallen by default to me, and everybody loves me for it. I don't have a magic answer, OP, just empathy. Maybe we can do a spa day together, and invite the other exhausted PP. And talk each other out of running away. I agree with the recommendation to encourage DS get a job. This helped our DS a lot, and the grades have gone up, not down. The downside is there's no time for sports or exercise, and exercise can be helpful if your DS has depression. |
Anonymous
| ^^^ family cop role |
Anonymous
| My kids are the same ages, and we have issues (developmental and emotional) with one. I often feel this way and wonder when the parenting will ever be done. The other just had an accident and we're paying off the person to avoid making a claim. They are both looking for work near campuses, but really they seem like they will never grow up lately. And even they admit they are immature. |
Anonymous
| I get it, OP. I've got two home from college and one in HS. Oldest just broke up with her BF so the house is full of drama. Middle child is staying out late then sleeping late recovering from what I suspect was a bit too much partying during his first semester of college. Youngest in HS gets along with her older sibs but is regularly sassy and oversensitive to me and to DH. She is on social media constantly and rolls her eyes a lot when we ask her to do anything constructive. She has some mild LD issues, so I know she's relieved to be off from school for a while. Still, exams are around the corner for her (which we all dread). I love my kids more than anything but right about now I wish they'd all just go away -- or better yet, they can stay and I'll just take a short vacay solo! |
Anonymous
| So glad you posted, an trying to work on my telationship with 13 yr old DD, the attitude is trying to say the least but never want her to lose sight that I love her. I love the "rewind" advice, will try that this week... |
Anonymous
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Thank-you to everyone who took the time to respond. I really appreciate the support and to know I am not alone! To the poster directly above, the therapist I was working with at the time recommended a book, "Surviving Your Adolescents". Guess it's time to look for the book and re-read it! Good luck to everyone here who is dealing with similar issues.
On a side note, has anyone ever used an ADD/ADHD coach with their teen? I think maybe I would benefit from having a coach for myself! |
Anonymous
Also be honest with yourself - how critical have you been of your kids? My experience has been that my parents - especially my mom - was hyper critical which in turn lead us kids to be hyper critical of each other as well. My mom tolerated it too much because she had a hard time seeing the behavior because she was so used to do it herself. |