tell me about your marriage in the baby + toddler years

[Anonymous]

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I know, intellectually, that there are a million reasons why it's hard: needy little beings, no sleep, no private time. Everything feels like a challenge. DH and I don't want to fight, but always seem to end up doing so. Both of us feel stressed out, stretched to the limit, and underappreciated. We both try to be kind to each other and recognize that it's the situation, not us. But it's really hard sometimes. Does it get better when the baby goes to daycare? Right now he still doesn't STTN. Looking for some encouraging "it gets better" stories.

[Anonymous]

We have a 3 yr old and 18 month old. DH and I agreed when we were getting married who would be the main parent, and that we'd be a team against them - that we would not let the stress divide us, that we'd always back each other up and present a united front, that we'd always help each other. So if I'm cleaning up after dinner, DH is either also cleaning up or bathing one of the kids or something. One of us is not sitting and relaxing while the other is working, ever. We agreed to hire cleaning people to do the heavy cleaning, and that makes a HUGE difference. We also got a nanny so we wouldn't have to stress over getting the kids out the door each morning.

[Anonymous]

It does get better. The first 5 monts were really hard. DH and I didn't fight, but we both struggled with some depression and some issues dealing with the change in our lives (DS was an IUD baby and the pregnancy wasn't discovered until I was out of the first trimester so there were other issues at play).

Anyways, we both got help for our depression and we both carved out time for time alone together, and time with friends. Plus time just to ourselves. Time to sleep in, Etc. We split up the duties very well and had open lines of communication regarding needs. I think that was huge. No resentment built up, no being mad DH couldn't read my mind, Etc.

DS is now 2 and our relationship is better than it has ever been. I respect DH and love him in a way that is totally different and totally better than how i felt about him before DS was born.
My best advice for people in your situation is to be upfront with what you need, carve out time for your own needs individually, and carve out couple time.

[Anonymous]

When my son was 2, it was the year from hell for our marriage. Unbelievably bad. I was searching online for apartments, ready to move OUT and be DONE.

But, it got better. And by year 4, it was amazing. I think we were just not meant to be parents of tiny babies together (and we only had one).

[Anonymous]

My marriage SUCKED with infants. We almost did not make it.

Want some advice? No matter what you THINK is going on with the marriage,
no matter how TIRED you (and H) might feel,
you MUST continue to make the time for each other,
if nothing else, then just be sure to at least connect for sex.

[Anonymous]

So hard. The sleep deprivation literally drove us crazy. We ended up in therapy (PP me, stress, him) and got our heads right, sleep trained, and got through the mess. I really loved my kids as babies but I was so freaking tired it kind of put a haze of misery over my entire life. We almost divorced but realized that it was our circumstances that were making us angry, stressed, and feeling uncared for by the other.

I honestly think absent something egregious like cheating or financial ruin, don't make any major moves regarding your marriage until your kids are in KG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 3 yr old and 18 month old. DH and I agreed when we were getting married who would be the main parent, and that we'd be a team against them - that we would not let the stress divide us, that we'd always back each other up and present a united front, that we'd always help each other. So if I'm cleaning up after dinner, DH is either also cleaning up or bathing one of the kids or something. One of us is not sitting and relaxing while the other is working, ever. We agreed to hire cleaning people to do the heavy cleaning, and that makes a HUGE difference. We also got a nanny so we wouldn't have to stress over getting the kids out the door each morning.

Yeah but for people who can't afford nannies and cleaners, this isn't super helpful. Some people have to put their head down, do ALL this work that you could afford to outsource, and still try to raise a needy kid and keep the marriage intact.

[Anonymous]

My marriage was miserable for the first three years after baby. I had an incredibly stressful job, DH just hated his. He didn't think I did enough for the baby (although nursing and pumping and tending to her overnight seemed like plenty). I didn't think he did enough, since I was the primary bread winner and trying to hold my ssss together enough to function at work. I looked at apartments like the PP. I consulted two divorce lawyers over that time. Also, DH and I ended up in counseling. Which was useless as long as I was still trying to meet his expectations. I quit, because our sessions became an endless barrage of how he thought I had failed to do something he thought I should the previous week and me getting defensive.

Then, it got better. It got better for several reasons, but big for me was, with the help of a therapist, I realized that what I was doing was good enough and not to judge myself by anyone's standards or to compare myself. Also critical to my success was getting enough sleep and exercising, key to my sanity. This got me thinking better.

Here is what all my expensive therapy taught me:

1. Having little kids is hard, especially if they are not sleeping.
2. It is very easy to think that your partner is not doing enough, because there is so much to do. It is important to recognize that you each bring some contribution to the table. It is just as important to thank your partner for doing those things.
3. Sleep is important for everyone.
4. Exercise is important for everyone.
5. Physical contact, even an occasional hug or hand hold is important to maintaining your marriage.
6. It gets easier at about 4 y.o.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal, and it does get better.

Simplify, systemize, and build in little breaks--even 20 minutes to an hour at this point--for each of you. Take little bits of time to focus on each other and say a few nice things to each other. DH and I have found we often don't have a clue about what the other notices and appreciates, so we make a point to tell each other on a fairly regular basis, like, sit down and each say three things.

But nothing is wrong with you for struggling!

[Anonymous]

I was one of the last of my friends to have children. I saw what the work level was when you added children, and how the lack of sleep took its toll. I saw how many marriages were on shaky ground because of this.

So I made a commitment to do it differently. First, I started sleep training my child two weeks after I brought him home. People say you can't do this, but in actuality, there's a lot of things you can do to get your child to sleep better, including making sure they're eating enough during the day. By 6 weeks old, in spite of having reflux, my child was sleeping from 11 to about 5 in the morning. I had my husband do the 11 feeding and I went to bed by 10, so actually I was getting good sleep by two months in.

All my friends marveled at how well my child slept. The truth was they just never made it a priority or took the steps to make their children good sleepers.

We also had a date night once a week and a monthly maid service. We kept our relationship a priority. To tell the truth, other than a few weeks at the beginning, we cruised through having children because we didn't make the mistakes of all my friends. (I also married a great guy, which made all the difference.)

[Anonymous]

SHIT. complete shit. It does get better though. The first 2 - 3 years are tough.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I struggled because I bought into the attachment parenting, breast feeding on demand ethos that is so popular. I was a zombie. Literally. And I was a terrible partner, and a crap worker, and not my best to my older toddler.

I did what the PP poster suggested. I gave myself a break. I sleep trained at 5 months. When I was tired, I gave the baby a bottle of formula and slept while I DH did the night feed. I cut myself a massive amount of slack and also (most importantly) recognized that DH was doing his best. We both were. I went about (after getting more sleep) developing a spirit of appreciation in our marriage. He did too. And honestly, things fell into place once the youngest was like 3.

But holy hell. I wouldn't go back. It was horrific.

[Anonymous]

No advice, just a post of solidarity. My DH I driving me insane and I'm driving him insane too, almost all related to parenting our 6-week-old and maintaining the household. Some days it's better, some days like today it really really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was one of the last of my friends to have children. I saw what the work level was when you added children, and how the lack of sleep took its toll. I saw how many marriages were on shaky ground because of this.

So I made a commitment to do it differently. First, I started sleep training my child two weeks after I brought him home. People say you can't do this, but in actuality, there's a lot of things you can do to get your child to sleep better, including making sure they're eating enough during the day. By 6 weeks old, in spite of having reflux, my child was sleeping from 11 to about 5 in the morning. I had my husband do the 11 feeding and I went to bed by 10, so actually I was getting good sleep by two months in.

All my friends marveled at how well my child slept. The truth was they just never made it a priority or took the steps to make their children good sleepers.

We also had a date night once a week and a monthly maid service. We kept our relationship a priority. To tell the truth, other than a few weeks at the beginning, we cruised through having children because we didn't make the mistakes of all my friends. (I also married a great guy, which made all the difference.)

LOLOLOLOL. "Be perfect, like I am, and be lucky to have easy kids, and is a breeze!"

[Anonymous]

"All my friends marveled at how well my child slept. The truth was they just never made it a priority or took the steps to make their children good sleepers."

Hubris. You are a moron.