Around what age should children be told about the suicide of a grandparent?

[Anonymous]

Not ready to do it yet, but thinking ahead. By the time they go to college, I assume they will need to be familiar with their own medical history. Is that the right time?

[Anonymous]

Weird question... I was thinking the kids were like 4 and 5, and grandparent just committed suicide. You are over thinking this... You tell when they ask. If thats in middle school, high school, college, then you do it then.

[Anonymous]

I assume this means that either you or your partner/DH/DW has a parent who committed suicide. Do either of you engage in counseling to work through that, especially if it was recent? If you do, ask this question of your therapist. If you don't, consider asking your pediatrician or primary care doc their thoughts.

Not saying don't ask on DCUM, but seriously, if one of you went through the suicide of a parent, I'd hope you are connected to some sort of structured supports (support groups or therapists), and that is the best place to start with this question. There may be general answers, but some things also depend on your specific family situation and your kids personalities. Talk to someone in detail about this for better advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird question... I was thinking the kids were like 4 and 5, and grandparent just committed suicide. You are over thinking this... You tell when they ask. If thats in middle school, high school, college, then you do it then.

Agreed. Know someone who had something similar happen but he always knew. It was never a family secret or something to dance around, it just was what it was. He is a very grounded adult.

[Anonymous]

No counseling or support group. I know from reading other threads that others here have dealt with suicide in their families, and I would like to know how they have approached this issue. My children were very young at the time and are still fairly young, so I've lied to them. I know I can't do that forever, but I wish I could. It is a terrible thing to know.

[Anonymous]

My brother committed suicide and I waited until my son was about 12 to discuss it with him. It happened even before my son was born, but he knew I had another brother and wanted to know how he died. I told my son that his uncle died in an accident. When pressed for details, I just told him I'd tell him more when he was older.

A lot of kids go through a phase where they are kind of obsessed or intrigued by death. I can't recall the age that this occurs, but I want to guess around 6-8 years. It didn't seem smart to discuss during that period. By the time my son was 12, he could understand the ramification of suicide and it's impact on the family.

I haven't discussed with my son the fact that depression can run in families or the fact that he is at slightly higher risk of suicidal thoughts than the average person. That is a discussion we will have a little later.

I don't have any evidence that one time is better than another, but I would say that I think it will become apparent when you child is old enough to hear the truth. Good luck. It's not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird question... I was thinking the kids were like 4 and 5, and grandparent just committed suicide. You are over thinking this... You tell when they ask. If thats in middle school, high school, college, then you do it then.

Agreed. Know someone who had something similar happen but he always knew. It was never a family secret or something to dance around, it just was what it was. He is a very grounded adult.

+1

I was thinking this is a toddler or something, but it sounds OP's kids are older and she's trying to shield them? OP, no need to make suicide into a needless, dark secret. Talking about death and talking about suicide - especially if the child asks, can actually be a beneficial and healthy thing.

[Anonymous]

I'd say 10-14 depending on the kid

[Anonymous]

A woman in our neighborhood committed suicide when I was around age 6. My mom told me she died in an accident. But a couple of years later some of the neighborhood kids were talking about it, and it was very confusing for me. I remember trying to convince them it was an accident, while also trying to understand what it even meant to kill oneself.

Then when I asked my mom about it she again insisted it was an accident.

I know these types of things happen all the time: we keep details hidden from our kids in their best interest, but kids talk. It's just so confusing when you feel like you're being lied to.

So, if the kid asks about it, be honest.

[Anonymous]

My BIL murdered my sister then committed suicide. I was 8 and I've always known. Not sure why people keep things like this a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL murdered my sister then committed suicide. I was 8 and I've always known. Not sure why people keep things like this a secret.

I agree. My father and 2 of my brothers killed themselves. DH and I talked extensively about how/when to tell them and I was really dreading it. When my oldest was about 8 and the youngest about 5, we were in the van when the oldest asked what they died from. I looked at my DH (who was driving) and then told all three of my kids their grandfather and uncles killed themselves. Their responses pretty anti-climatic. One of the boys immediately piped up and asked if they used a gun. (Two did, one did not). We then had a frank and pointed conversation about how they died and why. We never hid it or lied about it. We've also had frank conversations about drug/alcohol abuse, depression and what happens to the brain. They know the brains in our family can be different than most and the importance of 'mindset'.

I think it's important not to make this information secret or something to be ashamed of. We also talk about the abuse I endured as a child and how their lives are different. We approach abuse and suicide in the same way we do where babies come from, puberty, sex, drugs and alcohol. I don't want my kids wondering, speculating, worrying or asking their friends about these subjects. Every kid will be faced with choices about drugs, alcohol, struggles and relationships. With our family history and their genetic predisposition for depression/substance abuse, they must have this knowledge. Nothing is inevitable. We have challenges but we all work to overcome them. Their grandfather and uncles made a lot of poor choices and lived lives that could have been different. It's never too late to correct a poor choice. It may take longer than if you'd made the right one but it's never too late.

In short, how big a deal telling them will depend on how big you make it. I'm not ashamed of what my father and brothers did. It's sad but another fact of life.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. My mother hanged herself when my kids were under 5. At the time I could not begin to imagine how to tell them what had happened, so I lied. I also deferred to my father's wishes not to share this information with anyone outside our family. He is still living, and I will respect his wishes during his lifetime.

I am not ashamed of what my mother did, but it is a burden for me in the sense that I think of it often, and it is always painful. It's the pain that I wish I could spare my children and the wondering whether this is what lies in their future, but perhaps they will not be affected as I have been. I know I have to tell them eventually, but they have not shown any curiosity about the subject so far. I may need to be the one to broach the issue and haven't decided when to do it.

I appreciate the thoughts of those of you who have dealt with this firsthand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. My mother hanged herself when my kids were under 5. At the time I could not begin to imagine how to tell them what had happened, so I lied. I also deferred to my father's wishes not to share this information with anyone outside our family. He is still living, and I will respect his wishes during his lifetime.

I am not ashamed of what my mother did, but it is a burden for me in the sense that I think of it often, and it is always painful. It's the pain that I wish I could spare my children and the wondering whether this is what lies in their future, but perhaps they will not be affected as I have been. I know I have to tell them eventually, but they have not shown any curiosity about the subject so far. I may need to be the one to broach the issue and haven't decided when to do it.

I appreciate the thoughts of those of you who have dealt with this firsthand.

Im not trying to be rude, but seems like you need help with this situation, not your children. Your children dont know her and will be fine. As far as respecting your fathers wishes, thats on you, but i wouldnt lie about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm of the opinion that in silence, shame will thrive. It's better to be open and honest.

[Anonymous]

Normally I am matter-of-fact and honest about things but I might wait as long as possible on this one and go with "she was really sick" for as long as possible. Suicide is contagious, we know that, and because of that it's something that I want to keep my kids unaware of for as long as I can. This is fear-based, not because I think it is something shameful.