Around what age should children be told about the suicide of a grandparent?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your detailed and compassionate reply, 22:27.

My father's wishes in this matter carry a great deal of weight for me, and I will abide by them for as long as I can while he is alive. This discussion has made me realize that a point may come where I feel that my kids' need to know is greater than his need for privacy. I haven't yet reached that point.

My kids have not asked about my mother's death since it occurred. At the time I think I told them simply that she was sick and she died, so there will most likely not be anything to "take back" when I tell them the full story.

[Anonymous]

This is 22:27 again, the pp whose sister died. You have done exactly what I did--when my son asked how my sister died, I simply said she was sick, the doctors tried to make her better, but they couldn't and she died. He didn't ask any additional questions and I didn't volunteer anything more. In general I try to follow his cues--if he starts asking a lot of questions and if my answers aren't cutting it, then we will offer more information. If he doesn't, I don't plan to, unless there's some other pressing reason.

It's hard to feel that this is weighing on you and your kids don't know the full truth, but I think you've handled it as well as you can, and you haven't lied to them. And I think you are doing the best you can by them to wait and give them a chance to ask more.

To the pp whose cousin was murdered when you were 8, thank you so much for the point you made, counter to mine--that young kids can't always handle and process this information. Can I ask, what do you wish your parents or other relatives had told you? What would have made it easier for you? Were you asking questions that they answered honestly, or did they give you a lot of info you were not seeking out? My struggle is what to do if my son starts asking more pointed questions--do I outright lie, or do I tell the truth? I would love any advice you've got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your detailed and compassionate reply, 22:27.

My father's wishes in this matter carry a great deal of weight for me, and I will abide by them for as long as I can while he is alive. This discussion has made me realize that a point may come where I feel that my kids' need to know is greater than his need for privacy. I haven't yet reached that point.

My kids have not asked about my mother's death since it occurred. At the time I think I told them simply that she was sick and she died, so there will most likely not be anything to "take back" when I tell them the full story.

OP, I'm the person who said to stop lying, but I don't think you did at all! It may not feel like the whole truth to you, but it is the age-appropriate truth for your kids. Your mother WAS ill. Healthy people don't kill themselves.

I've had two suicides in my family and that's how we explained it to the young kids. the slightly older kids hear that the illness was in her brain/mind, that she was so sad she didn't think she would ever not be sad. The key thing is to anticipate and handle their specific, self-centered fears about what you are saying, not to give them the facts as you did to the cops when they arrived. Kids are thinking did they sdo something wrong, will it happen to them, will it happen to their parents, etc. That's what the conversation is about. There is plenty of time to teach them about their grandmother's death and their genetic inheritance. My hope for you is that by that time you can teach them that they are at risk for a particular kind of illness, their grandmother died of it, and they should always be on the lookout for its signs and get help if they see them.

Didn't your father say to keep it in the family? How are your own kids not the family? I totally understand your desire to respect his wishes here, but you owe more to the living than he owes to the dead. You owe it to your children to let them know what they are at risk for. And who knows, maybe in a few years when you do have to tell your kids more, your dad will have changed his mind. I hope he didn't mean you can't talk to ANYONE about it. That would be a horrible burden for you, and honestly it is not his right to ask such a thing. He needs to carry his own shame, you can't carry it for him. People in families mourn so very differently...the best is when you can respect each other's mourning process, the hardest is when people try and impose their process on others (as he is doing). btdt.

Re the contagion issue, the term is usually used in terms of the media and copycat suicides, where people ALREADY CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE use a method that's been in the news lately. Careful media reporting can control the phenomenon. That's not relevant to your situation.

[Anonymous]

It can be contagious.

http://nyti.ms/VkeRa4

Really? This is the best you got to prove that suicide is contagious? It, literally, is the first thing that came up when I googled 'is suicide contagious'. Your ability to research a topic in depth is amazing.