Reply to Around what age should children be told about the suicide of a grandparent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My BIL murdered my sister then committed suicide. I was 8 and I've always known. Not sure why people keep things like this a secret. [/quote]

I agree. My father and 2 of my brothers killed themselves.  DH and I talked extensively about how/when to tell them and I was really dreading it.  When my oldest was about 8 and the youngest about 5, we were in the van when the oldest asked what they died from.  I looked at my DH (who was driving) and then told all three of my kids their grandfather and uncles killed themselves.  Their responses pretty anti-climatic.  One of the boys immediately piped up and asked if they used a gun.  (Two did, one did not).  We then had a frank and pointed conversation about how they died and why.  We never hid it or lied about it.  We've also had frank conversations about drug/alcohol abuse, depression and what happens to the brain.  They know the brains in our family can be different than most and the importance of 'mindset'.

I think it's important not to make this information secret or something to be ashamed of.  We also talk about the abuse I endured as a child and how their lives are different.  We approach abuse and suicide in the same way we do where babies come from, puberty, sex, drugs and alcohol.  I don't want my kids wondering, speculating, worrying or asking their friends about these subjects. Every kid will be faced with choices about drugs, alcohol, struggles and relationships.  With our family history and their genetic predisposition for depression/substance abuse, they must have this knowledge.  Nothing is inevitable.  We have challenges but we all work to overcome them.  Their grandfather and uncles made a lot of poor choices and lived lives that could have been different.  It's never too late to correct a poor choice.  It may take longer than if you'd made the right one but it's never too late.

In short, how big a deal telling them will depend on how big you make it.  I'm not ashamed of what my father and brothers did.  It's sad but another fact of life.[/quote]

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