want to request we stop exchanging gifts with SIL/BIL

[Anonymous]

My SIL is generally VERY cheap and sends us the worst gifts. She seems to find whatever clearance item or whatever can be re-gifted and just send that. We have never received a gift receipt from her for anything. We have even received used items that she openly admitted to being their used items that she was 'gifting' us.

I would like to stop exchanging gifts with her. We live on opposite sides of the country and we generally have little to no relationship. I'm always pulling at straws at gift ideas for her because we really don't know what they already have, what they like, etc. (YEARS of trying to improve our relationship just hasn't worked) Not to mention, I am resentful for having to put thought and money into gifts when we are literally be given donation items or the clearance rack. I swear she must spend so much more shipping us this stuff than anything else.

How can we tactfully request to stop exchanging gifts for birthdays and Christmas? I'm still deciding if I want to also request that we stop exchanging gifts for the kids or just stop exchanging amongst the adults. I definitely want to stop exchanging amongst the adults.

She is so cheap I am sure she would be happy to save the money on the gifts but I also don't know if this would offend her. I just don't want to be a bitter gift giver but I (and my DH) are getting to that point.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them that you are tightening your belts to save for college, and let's keep the gift-giving just kids.

Do they give your kids junk as well? I'd probably keep going with the kids but keep the budget small for each kid; even $10 per kid can get a book, fun socks, sale shirt, set of coloring pencils, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them that you are tightening your belts to save for college, and let's keep the gift-giving just kids.

Do they give your kids junk as well? I'd probably keep going with the kids but keep the budget small for each kid; even $10 per kid can get a book, fun socks, sale shirt, set of coloring pencils, and so on.

Yes, they do the same for our child. I think everything she has gifted our child so far has been re-gifted (she has a daughter two years older than our daughter) Clothes that are the wrong size for the wrong season, 2 piece clothing sets that only contain 1 piece, etc.

[Anonymous]

We did this and just said that we were cutting back on spending. They understood and were relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them that you are tightening your belts to save for college, and let's keep the gift-giving just kids.

Do they give your kids junk as well? I'd probably keep going with the kids but keep the budget small for each kid; even $10 per kid can get a book, fun socks, sale shirt, set of coloring pencils, and so on.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them that you are tightening your belts to save for college, and let's keep the gift-giving just kids.

Do they give your kids junk as well? I'd probably keep going with the kids but keep the budget small for each kid; even $10 per kid can get a book, fun socks, sale shirt, set of coloring pencils, and so on.

Yes, they do the same for our child. I think everything she has gifted our child so far has been re-gifted (she has a daughter two years older than our daughter) Clothes that are the wrong size for the wrong season, 2 piece clothing sets that only contain 1 piece, etc.

Ugh. That is really low. Do you call her on it in any way? Can you be proactive and suggest things your DD would love to get from them (magazine subscription, book)? I'd still probably send the kids something, without expecting your child to get something good in return. Just keep it small/inexpensive.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be blunt, tell her she's a shitty gift giver, and you want it to stop now.

[Anonymous]

Just don't give anything. That'll get the message through LOL

[Anonymous]

A few years back, my sis requested to only exchange gifts for the kids due to budget constraints. We all agreed, and it has been much easier. Just say it and make it happen

[Anonymous]

Agree with above; however, depending on how temperamental they are, you might want to still give a gift this year because it's right before Christmas. Then have that conversation (or send that email) over the summer, or in early fall. Just because it's Dec. 16, now.

Interesting--I'd like to do this with a niece and nephew. But my cousin and I have a great relationship and I like the niece and nephew. However; they are far away, I don't know what to get them, and I'm always floundering around Christmastime. I get them some Jackson&Perkins carmel corn and candy or something, and I feel bad because my cousin is on top of everything and last year got my kids each an outfit from Justice--nice! And wrapped it and sent it in the mail. I feel crappy that I am so lame compared to her and do something online where I don't have to go to the store, pick something out, wrap it, and go to the PO.

So I don't think I sink to the level of your SIL (because they CAN eat it and it's NOT cheap) but I admit it's the kind of gift that is not "individualized," and I do feel bad about it. But anyways, I'm just saying that your SIL will probably be relieved. Ha, this year, my cousin sent us Jackson & Perkins candy back, and I think she's "had it" with me and so is giving me a taste of my own medicine.

But just want to say, just do it (stop the gift giving or give one more time and then stop it mid-year) and don't waste time on being resentful. Different people have different competencies when it comes to Christmas gift giving, so don't assume she's giving you lame gifts because she's really saying "f-you, I don't care."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years back, my sis requested to only exchange gifts for the kids due to budget constraints. We all agreed, and it has been much easier. Just say it and make it happen

+1. I did this in my family. So much easier.

[Anonymous]

Ask her what he favorite local charity is and make a donation in her name. You can hope she will reciprocate and stop sending gifts. Its hard for people to send nothing at the holidays so this is a good way to make everyone happy and do something good for a charity.

[Anonymous]

Like others have posted, I think that in February or well after Christmas, you need to just email/call whatever and say that your family has decided that you are "downsizing" Christmas and decided that you are no longer exchanging gifts with extended family (throw in there that you and DH aren't even giving e/o gifts, you are simplifying Christmas, etc.)

My extended family did a progressively more elaborate gift exchange among cousins and their parents. Last year, my DH announced that he did not want his name in the gift exchange. That made all the adults rethink and so this year we are only doing a cousin gift exchange, no adults. Way easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years back, my sis requested to only exchange gifts for the kids due to budget constraints. We all agreed, and it has been much easier. Just say it and make it happen

+1. I did this in my family. So much easier.

+1. Much easier. We do gifts for the kids, and cookies in the mail. Much better!

[Anonymous]

OP, I did this with my SIL. She's actually a very thoughtful gift giver, but picking and shipping gifts across the country was just one more thing on a holiday list that's too stressful. I asked cautiously if she would mind if we just keep our gift exchanges to the kids' birthdays to reduce holiday stress, afraid I would offend her. She was overjoyed and quickly agreed. I would recommend not even exchanging gifts for the kids, especially if you don't see them often. Birthdays are easier since they are spread out.