BIL asked for money for divorce lawyer

[Anonymous]

It's sort of a long, sordid story, but the gist is that his attorney's retainer fee is $4000 and he only has $1000 saved up. He wants to file ASAP. Without revealing too many details, she is claiming a possibly permanent disability that will prevent her from working. He was advised to not withdraw from his 401k and quite frankly, may lose his job soon anyway.

My thoughts were to give him $1000 with no expectation of being paid back. We do have the entire $3000 he's asking for but we don't have it laying around; we'd have to take from savings and it'd mean deferring other plans for that money.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I assume you and DH agree that he needs to get a divorce ASAP under the circumstances. Can you afford to lose $3,000 if BIL can't pay it back? It seems unlikely he will, given his upcoming unemployment and divorce. If you gift him $1,000, where is the remaining $2,000 going to come from? I would not give him any money until you and DH know the answers. It is likely that more requests for financial aid will be forthcoming, so keep that also in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume you and DH agree that he needs to get a divorce ASAP under the circumstances. Can you afford to lose $3,000 if BIL can't pay it back? It seems unlikely he will, given his upcoming unemployment and divorce. If you gift him $1,000, where is the remaining $2,000 going to come from? I would not give him any money until you and DH know the answers. It is likely that more requests for financial aid will be forthcoming, so keep that also in mind.

OP here. Yes, DH and I are in full agreement that we're not BIL's ATM. If he racks up lawyer's fees, we're not paying them.

He didn't actually want the divorce, but his wife is moving ahead with it. For some reason, he's determined to beat her to filing first; we're not sure why exactly, but I believe it's b/c he wants to cut her off ASAP. They live in different states (he moved due to work relocation- she was supposed to follow with the kids, but 3 years later, has not) so he's maintaining two households. However, she's claiming a permanent disability due to an injury sustained during a recent domestic dispute (both at fault) and therefore isn't working or paying the household bills.

He's asked their other brother for help too. At this point, that brother is disinclined to help, but may do so in the end. The wife has almost all the personal property that could be sold and won't let BIL have it. I would say we can't afford to lose $3k. Technically we have it, but we've also had to dip into savings for a rash of unexpected expenses as well recently.

[Anonymous]

I would just give him the $1,000 as a gift and tell him that is a one time gift and all you can do for him. I have done this with family and friends. You must draw the line for the sake of your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just give him the $1,000 as a gift and tell him that is a one time gift and all you can do for him. I have done this with family and friends. You must draw the line for the sake of your nuclear family.

++ If you can afford to give away 1000 then go for it. OTOH I would be annoyed if I found out BIL had a 100,000 401K but 'was advised not to withdraw' etc due to penalties or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Can divorce attorneys weigh in on this? Is $4000 enough? Should she worry that after $1000 the attorney will drop the case leaving another attorney to pick up from the beginning?
Public interest criminal defense attorney here with family member going through a divorce...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just give him the $1,000 as a gift and tell him that is a one time gift and all you can do for him. I have done this with family and friends. You must draw the line for the sake of your nuclear family.

++ If you can afford to give away 1000 then go for it. OTOH I would be annoyed if I found out BIL had a 100,000 401K but 'was advised not to withdraw' etc due to penalties or whatever.

OP here. It's been reported to me via my other BIL (not the one in question) that his 401k is actually very low, in the 30K range. Also, if he loses his job, he'll be required to repay his relocation expenses, which are totaling $50k at this point. So that may contribute to why he doesn't want to touch the 401k.

[Anonymous]

That's not enough for an entire divorce. He should be thinking about what he wants, what he has, and whether and attorney is worth it. Mediation may be better.

[Anonymous]

What the hell does his wife's disability status have to do with divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not enough for an entire divorce. He should be thinking about what he wants, what he has, and whether and attorney is worth it. Mediation may be better.

+1. It sounds like they don't have a ton of assets to fight over anyway. Are there children involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell does his wife's disability status have to do with divorce?

OP here. She works with her hands (think massage therapist, artist, etc.) and the injury was to one of her hands. She's indicated to him she will file for permanent disability and the state that she lives in apparently says that in such cases, she would be entitled to lifetime spousal support b/c of the disability. Because of the injury, she is not currently working and is also not paying the household bills. So BIL is responsible for bills that's she's incurring and not paying. Remember, they live in separate states, so he's paying for his own household bills and also for the ones for her.

There are 4 kids, but only two of whom are minors, both in high school.

[Anonymous]

There are likely to be fights over child support and spousal support. $4k isn't even going to come close to covering the cost of this fight.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this will be very costly. My sister's divorce cost $30k and they had little in assets so she went into acc debt.

[Anonymous]

Credit card debt. Anyway up to you but the retainer is just the beginning.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Mediation is a good idea. I think he thinks his wife has no incentive to go that route b/c he is paying her legal bills. Is that something he can insist they try first?

I don't know many details, but his lawyer believes that he will be asked to pay $2100/month in spousal support for 7 years and $1900/month in child support, until the oldest minor child turns 18, which is next year. He has a good job- I don't know what kind of salary someone makes who has to pay $4k/monthly in combined support. He's been trying to sell the house, which he estimates would bring $35k, but it hasn't sold in years and it's in a very depressed area of the country.