Why is my DS very different at school vs at home?

[Anonymous]

My DS has autism, fully mainstreamed in kinder. He is very talkative at home, can sustain interaction and maintain conversation with adults.
He is always so excited to go to school every morning and is a teacher-pleaser. However, he is very quiet with peers and has difficulty sustaining play / maintaining conversation with peers. It's heart-wrenching to see him not feeling connected to his classmates and playing by himself. He cannot explain to me either why he's such a different kid at school vs home.

If you have older kids with ASD, is this continue going to be a problem? How can I help my DS to feel connected to his peers?
We have weekly playdates with his classmates but watching his peers is making me more worried that the gap in my DS social skills is getting wider as he gets older.

[Anonymous]

This is true of almost all kids, both neurotypical and SN. And it's true of adults too -- we present a different self in the office or at dinner parties than we do at home. In fact, it's really a sign of development that your DS has a "social self" and a "home self" to present.

It's difficult to get a sense of what is and is not a problem. Your child likes school, likes his teacher, and is excited to go to school. He perhaps lacks peer connections (although he has playdates, which is great), and that upsets you. Does it upset him? If not, I think you need to tone this down, OP. Because it sounds to me like your DS is really doing quite well. He likes school and has playdates. Things are going well. Try not to get ahead of yourself to years down the road and try not to project your feelings of anxiety on to him. He sounds happy to me.

[Anonymous]

BTW, please stop expecting your child to explain the rhyme or reason behind his social behaviors. No kid could do that. I can't even do that.

[Anonymous]

Being able to communicate with adults and not peers is a hallmark of ASD. Peer to peer relationships are very different than child to adult relationships. Adults tend to carry those conversations and don't mind if they are all about the child. With peer to peer, there needs to be more give and take. Children with ASD tend to want to talk about very specific things and will not waiver if the other child wants to talk about something else. While this is true with all children, it is more pronounced in children with ASD. One reason is that they have trouble picking up on non-verbal communication and have difficulty with sarcasm, irony and lying. They also tend to do parallel play much longer than NT children.

Frequent play dates are great, but as your child ages they will not be as frequent. Talk to your child's school's counselor and see if they run any "lunch bunches" or social groups and see if they can be permanent every year and not just 6 weeks in duration. These can be places where your child can learn some of the give and take of conversation and where he may find another kindred spirit.

[Anonymous]

You are not even aware of the ways in which you accommodate him at home. None of that happens at school, where the demands are greater. Talking to him about it is just going to make him anxious. I agree, you need to stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth. . .

I think many children with social thinking challenges first figure out the rules and expectations associated with communicating with adults more than peers. Adults are more predictable and teachers in particular may act more in accordance with patterns and expectations. Whereas peers are much more difficult to figure out, there often seems to be no rhyme of reason to their unstructured behavior.

Our own child with social thinking challenges was a teacher's pet and had figured us the parents out long before meaningful bonding began with other children in about 2nd grade or so.

Our child has had to work on understanding peers but the progress has come. I'm not saying "don't be concerned and think there's nothing to work on," but I also am not in the least surprised that your child's social skills were first in evidence with adults rather than peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS has autism, fully mainstreamed in kinder. He is very talkative at home, can sustain interaction and maintain conversation with adults.
He is always so excited to go to school every morning and is a teacher-pleaser. However, he is very quiet with peers and has difficulty sustaining play / maintaining conversation with peers. It's heart-wrenching to see him not feeling connected to his classmates and playing by himself. He cannot explain to me either why he's such a different kid at school vs home.

If you have older kids with ASD, is this continue going to be a problem? How can I help my DS to feel connected to his peers?
We have weekly playdates with his classmates but watching his peers is making me more worried that the gap in my DS social skills is getting wider as he gets older.

10:53 again here, I realize I didn't answer your direct questions:

Is this going to continue to be a problem? Not sure if it will be a "problem" but it seems likely it could be a phenomenon that persists to some degree.

How can you help feel connected? In our case we did a lot of work on this -- set up dyads with a speech pathologist and social thinking teacher involving a peer at a comparable stage of social advancement. Was painstaking and slow progress at first but paid off.

Weekly playdates/gap getting wider -- yes, the gap can get wider if the child doesn't get extra help. All children tend to advance their social skills over time so the gap will become wider unless they all progress at the same pace. Some children need more help to progress, ours did.

[Anonymous]

He's only in Kindergarten. Keep up with the play dates.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I think my DS likes school because of the routines and he loves the academics and specials (music, art, etc). I asked him once about how he felt about his peers or why he doesn't talk to them, but he couldn't seem to comprehend, so I never asked him again. I know that peer interaction is hard for him and thus, he tends to avoid it, but he still needs to learn social skills. Just like Math / Reading is hard for some kids, but they still need learn, do homework, pass the test, etc, whether they like it or not.

As for having a kid coming over to our house for a playdate, it's not a typical "you kids go play upstairs" kind of playdate. I set up art projects, science experiments, cooking and facilitate their play, then slowly fade myself so my DS can learn to sustain interaction with his friend. My DS asks to have a playdate, really excited about it, but when his friend is here, he barely says anything to his friend nor to me throughout the entire playdate time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I think my DS likes school because of the routines and he loves the academics and specials (music, art, etc). I asked him once about how he felt about his peers or why he doesn't talk to them, but he couldn't seem to comprehend, so I never asked him again. I know that peer interaction is hard for him and thus, he tends to avoid it, but he still needs to learn social skills. Just like Math / Reading is hard for some kids, but they still need learn, do homework, pass the test, etc, whether they like it or not.

As for having a kid coming over to our house for a playdate, it's not a typical "you kids go play upstairs" kind of playdate. I set up art projects, science experiments, cooking and facilitate their play, then slowly fade myself so my DS can learn to sustain interaction with his friend. My DS asks to have a playdate, really excited about it, but when his friend is here, he barely says anything to his friend nor to me throughout the entire playdate time!

Your analogy between math/reading and social skills is interesting, but look at it another way. Some kids are really good at math or science, some are just fair or okay. Your son is okay or proficient at play dates. He doesn't excel at them. He seems fine with that. Why make it an issue? And turning social life = homework sounds like a way to poison the situation to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I think my DS likes school because of the routines and he loves the academics and specials (music, art, etc). I asked him once about how he felt about his peers or why he doesn't talk to them, but he couldn't seem to comprehend, so I never asked him again. I know that peer interaction is hard for him and thus, he tends to avoid it, but he still needs to learn social skills. Just like Math / Reading is hard for some kids, but they still need learn, do homework, pass the test, etc, whether they like it or not.

As for having a kid coming over to our house for a playdate, it's not a typical "you kids go play upstairs" kind of playdate. I set up art projects, science experiments, cooking and facilitate their play, then slowly fade myself so my DS can learn to sustain interaction with his friend. My DS asks to have a playdate, really excited about it, but when his friend is here, he barely says anything to his friend nor to me throughout the entire playdate time!

Your analogy between math/reading and social skills is interesting, but look at it another way. Some kids are really good at math or science, some are just fair or okay. Your son is okay or proficient at play dates. He doesn't excel at them. He seems fine with that. Why make it an issue? And turning social life = homework sounds like a way to poison the situation to me.

Her child has been diagnosed with autism. It isn't just a case of not excelling at peer to peer relationships. He will have to be taught how to interact with peers, it will not come naturally for him. The gap will continue and probably expand. Once parents are not in charge of friendships, the play dates will cease. BTDT. She will have to work harder in the future to provide her child with opportunities for socialization. School will not be enough. Religious youth groups, scouts, TKD, band/orchestra, drama club and social skills classes are all good places to for her to seek as her child ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS has autism, fully mainstreamed in kinder. He is very talkative at home, can sustain interaction and maintain conversation with adults.
He is always so excited to go to school every morning and is a teacher-pleaser. However, he is very quiet with peers and has difficulty sustaining play / maintaining conversation with peers. It's heart-wrenching to see him not feeling connected to his classmates and playing by himself. He cannot explain to me either why he's such a different kid at school vs home.

If you have older kids with ASD, is this continue going to be a problem? How can I help my DS to feel connected to his peers?
We have weekly playdates with his classmates but watching his peers is making me more worried that the gap in my DS social skills is getting wider as he gets older.

Seriously?? Just stop. He's a kindergartner and you're asking him to explain why he behaves differently at school? How is it that YOU can't figure out that school has very different demands and relationships. He spends his day with 20 other kids and adults that he just met a few months ago. He is expected to perform academic tasks. He is expected to wait and follow group rules. All of that is very different from being in his home with a few people he has known his entire life. If he needs your attention he is not waiting his turn. If he's hungry or tired, he can usually get that need met. There are few academic tasks you require him to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS has autism, fully mainstreamed in kinder. He is very talkative at home, can sustain interaction and maintain conversation with adults.
He is always so excited to go to school every morning and is a teacher-pleaser. However, he is very quiet with peers and has difficulty sustaining play / maintaining conversation with peers. It's heart-wrenching to see him not feeling connected to his classmates and playing by himself. He cannot explain to me either why he's such a different kid at school vs home.

If you have older kids with ASD, is this continue going to be a problem? How can I help my DS to feel connected to his peers?
We have weekly playdates with his classmates but watching his peers is making me more worried that the gap in my DS social skills is getting wider as he gets older.

Seriously?? Just stop. He's a kindergartner and you're asking him to explain why he behaves differently at school? How is it that YOU can't figure out that school has very different demands and relationships. He spends his day with 20 other kids and adults that he just met a few months ago. He is expected to perform academic tasks. He is expected to wait and follow group rules. All of that is very different from being in his home with a few people he has known his entire life. If he needs your attention he is not waiting his turn. If he's hungry or tired, he can usually get that need met. There are few academic tasks you require him to do.

pp, you could have gotten your point across without being rude. OP is looking for constructive advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I think my DS likes school because of the routines and he loves the academics and specials (music, art, etc). I asked him once about how he felt about his peers or why he doesn't talk to them, but he couldn't seem to comprehend, so I never asked him again. I know that peer interaction is hard for him and thus, he tends to avoid it, but he still needs to learn social skills. Just like Math / Reading is hard for some kids, but they still need learn, do homework, pass the test, etc, whether they like it or not.

As for having a kid coming over to our house for a playdate, it's not a typical "you kids go play upstairs" kind of playdate. I set up art projects, science experiments, cooking and facilitate their play, then slowly fade myself so my DS can learn to sustain interaction with his friend. My DS asks to have a playdate, really excited about it, but when his friend is here, he barely says anything to his friend nor to me throughout the entire playdate time!

Your analogy between math/reading and social skills is interesting, but look at it another way. Some kids are really good at math or science, some are just fair or okay. Your son is okay or proficient at play dates. He doesn't excel at them. He seems fine with that. Why make it an issue? And turning social life = homework sounds like a way to poison the situation to me.

Her child has been diagnosed with autism. It isn't just a case of not excelling at peer to peer relationships. He will have to be taught how to interact with peers, it will not come naturally for him. The gap will continue and probably expand. Once parents are not in charge of friendships, the play dates will cease. BTDT. She will have to work harder in the future to provide her child with opportunities for socialization. School will not be enough. Religious youth groups, scouts, TKD, band/orchestra, drama club and social skills classes are all good places to for her to seek as her child ages.

I agree with everything you just wrote. But I still think OP's views are too forced.

[Anonymous]

The first time I observed my kid in preschool, I barely recognized him, he was so different from the way he was at home he was like another person. DS was diagnosed with Asperger's/ASD. One on one with adults, most people will not see anything "wrong" - DS presents as NT - very verbal with normal eye contact.

My kid is in 2nd grade. He knows he has Asperger's and he needs help "playing" like some kids need help with reading and math. Given a choice, he prefers worksheets to playing since worksheets have very clear rules and expectations. Play dates help as do pragmatic speech therapy per his IEP. We are starting the Unstuck and OnTarget at Ivymount on Saturdays. It's for kids who are 7+, maybe something to do in the future. Good luck, OP!