Interfaith families raising Jewish kids -- talk to me about the December dilemma

[Anonymous]

I’m Jewish, DH is not, but we decided early on to raise our children Jewish. DS is three, so for the first time I’m dealing with the “December dilemma.” He came home from preschool yesterday talking about Santa. I wasn’t sure how to address it, so I didn’t say anything.

In some ways this is the same conundrum all Jewish families face, but it’s complicated by the fact that DH isn’t Jewish. His family is not religious, but they celebrate Christmas with all the usual trappings – tree, lights, gifts, etc. And we’ll be visiting them over Christmas this year, so we’ll be taking part. We’ve told them that any gifts to DS should come from them, not Santa. But DS is their only grandchild and I wouldn’t want to tell them they can’t give Christmas gifts at all. So somehow I have to convey to my preschooler that he will be getting Christmas gifts and celebrating Christmas, even though we are Jewish and it’s not our holiday. All while trying not to make my very nice in-laws feel bad.

Any advice for me?

[Anonymous]

I am Jewish and my husband is technically Jewish (as in his mother is a non-practicing Jew), but his father was raised Catholic. Although my husband was raised as an Atheist who celebrated the December gift giving holiday, this has come up for us, when we visit his extended family over Christmas. I agree, though, that it comes up for all Jewish families to some degree. My three year old is talking a lot about Santa and we are not visiting that family this year and it is still and issue. I also have an 8 year old and we have always just let the kids know that we are Jewish but that some of our family celebrates Christmas and aren't we lucky to get to celebrate with them. We participate in the family celebrations...it has been a bit harder to remind them that we don't have a tree and Santa coming, and they sometimes ask my kids about it, but my older one is good about just sort of not really caring.

With regards to the Santa dilemma, I have always felt strongly that it is only a big deal if we make it one. I don't ever remember feeling left out or mad as a kid because I didn't celebrate Christmas. I though Hanukkah was way cooler. But my parents also didn't make a big deal of making me feel different. We went and looked at other people's lights (though we had no tree or lights at our house). And if we wanted to sit on Santa's lap at the mall to get that candy cane, then great! She just didn't buy the pictures. I don't ever really remember it being a big deal. I have tried to recreate that kind of atmosphere for my two kids. We absolutely admire the lights and the festivities. If my kids want to visit with Santa, rock on, but it isn't our holiday and I remind them of that. And then we rock our menorah and our dreidels for our holiday.

[Anonymous]

We are not interfaith, but perhaps our experience can be helpful.

I found the less we made of Santa, the better. Unless he is in a preschool where the teachers are actually discussing Santa, the conversations amongst the kids are going to be at a very superficial level. IF is the only kid at the family Christmas celebration, perhaps you can ask if Santa be left out entirely. For my daughter, if she brought up Santa, we would answer any questions (people who celebrate Christmas pretend that he brings the gifts, etc...) I don't put a huge emphasis on the pretend, and I've found that by not making it a huge deal, she doesn't have a big need to "share" her knowledge with other kids.

The most important thing, IMO, is making Judiasm a big part of your life. Christmas is huge, whether you try to find it or not! And it's fun, with lights and trees, and music, and presents. It's great that your kid can enjoy that with his dad's family. But, it takes effort to make Judiasm as big a presence. By celebrating Shabbat, lighting Hanuakah candles, celebrating all the holidays (there's one almost every month), attending synagouge, you can instill Jewish identity without having to worry so much about confusion.

Personally, I think its much better to instill a positive Jewish identiy, the to worry too much about reacting to the culture influsive of Christian identity.

[Anonymous]

You could just disassociate Santa and Christmas with religion. We are a non religious family but celebrate Christmas. It is just a fun holiday.

[Anonymous]

Daddy comes from people who celebrate Christmas. So they may send you Christmas gifts. You're still Jewish though. Santa isn't real - he's just a character like when for Halloween you dressed up as Elmo. But a lot of other kids don't know that so don't tell them.

That's pretty much how I taught my kids.

[Anonymous]

We're Jewish and raising our kids Jewish, but Santa is everywhere. The 5 y/o knows other people celebrate Christmas, but we don't, and Santa comes to preschool and other people's houses, but not ours. In our house we celebrate Hanukkah. Santa is a loud, big guy, who gives out presents to good kids who celebrate Christmas, like a superhero. We are not afraid of Santa, he's one of the good guys, but he doesn't come to our house and it has nothing to do with our kids' behavior. And we do a ton of fun stuff for Hanukkah. (And yes, all year, but this is the only time when a visit from Santa is huge.)

[Anonymous]

BTDT! Jewish family, but the extended family could not be deterred from Christmas gift exchanges. It was frustrating, but what can you do. I think you can just leave Jesus out of it. Present Christmas as an American holiday like Thanksgiving. A day celebrating family and generosity and charity, or whatever values work for you. When kids get old enough to ask, acknowledge that for some people it's a religious holiday, but not you.

In the long run, though, you should bring more attention to this at the extended family level. If they're not religious and you're raising your kids Jewish, maybe they should turn the volume down on thier Christmas or fold it in to your family's hanukkah for your sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could just disassociate Santa and Christmas with religion. We are a non religious family but celebrate Christmas. It is just a fun holiday.

Which other religious holidays does your not-religious family celebrate? Ramadan? Yom Kippur?

[Anonymous]

We started out interfaith before I converted (only after my kids were born) and my family is not Jewish. Kids have been raised Jewish, but we celebrate Christmas with my family every year. Kids got Santa presents along with their cousins although we didn't go to church or things like that. It worked out well to do it at the Christian family's house so the kids got the distinction pretty easily that we don't do Christmas at our house, but the relatives do at theirs. Now kids are teens and it is a non-issue for them both identifying as Jewish and having grown up celebrating with their non-Jewish relatives.

[Anonymous]

I asked this once too, and get a lot of tips to just embrace santa and trees etc because they're not religious symbols. That doesn't work for me; no one can convince me otherwise.

I'm Jewish. DH is Jewish. But he has a lot of non-Jews in his family, so we get involved in some complications.

DS is now 4, and just started noticing Santa etc last year, and this year is very clear about "those are Christmas lights and we don't celebrate Christmas."

Like anything you're teaching your kid, there's a lot of repetition and explanation. "We aren't Christian" "We don't celebrate it" "We like to look at other peoples lights and trees" The decorations at the mall are fun' "Aunt Susie celebrates it by going to church and decorating her house" "Is Santa real? Um what do you think? Yeah probably not, but Christina thinks he is, so you shouldn't tell her what you think"

He thinks Christmas looks like fun. We agree and tell him it is, and we can go to family's house and say Merry Christmas and give them presents, but it's still not our holiday. We don't over compensate with Chanukkah - though 8 nights of presents and jelly donuts is pretty fun too.

Our goal is to not make it a dilemma. We answer questions truthfully. We don't over compensate. Just take the questions or concerns as they come, but don't drive yourself crazy. Think of it like anything you teach them - how many times have you told them it's polite to say please, or if you jump on the bed you can get hurt? Just stay the course and eventually they get it. Don't confuse them by agreeing to trees or lights - if you are consistent they will understand.

[Anonymous]

Interfaith family..we are comfortable with our kids knowing the different tradions of all of their relatives. This means Hanukah gifts from one side and xmas gifts from the other...and exposure the the religious background of each. I am the Jewish parent yet I loved doing santa with my kids. It was very fun for all and I never got to experience it myself. It only last for a few years and my kids have great family (not religious) memories of those times.

But we are not raising our children to be Jewish (unless they choose to be) so we could be more flexible with holidays. In your case, just start the conversation with your child, s/he doesn't have to understand at 3 years old. Keep the focus on Hanukah at your house. Just because you go to a b-day party doesn;t mean it is yor b-day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are not interfaith, but perhaps our experience can be helpful.

I found the less we made of Santa, the better. Unless he is in a preschool where the teachers are actually discussing Santa, the conversations amongst the kids are going to be at a very superficial level. IF is the only kid at the family Christmas celebration, perhaps you can ask if Santa be left out entirely. For my daughter, if she brought up Santa, we would answer any questions (people who celebrate Christmas pretend that he brings the gifts, etc...) I don't put a huge emphasis on the pretend, and I've found that by not making it a huge deal, she doesn't have a big need to "share" her knowledge with other kids.

The most important thing, IMO, is making Judiasm a big part of your life. Christmas is huge, whether you try to find it or not! And it's fun, with lights and trees, and music, and presents. It's great that your kid can enjoy that with his dad's family. But, it takes effort to make Judiasm as big a presence. By celebrating Shabbat, lighting Hanuakah candles, celebrating all the holidays (there's one almost every month), attending synagouge, you can instill Jewish identity without having to worry so much about confusion.

Personally, I think its much better to instill a positive Jewish identiy, the to worry too much about reacting to the culture influsive of Christian identity.

+1. We are a Jewish family, but my family is not Jewish (I converted). We have an active Jewish life the other 11 months of the year (shabbat at home and tot shabbat, high holidays, Passover, Sukkot, etc). So I am not worried that my 4 year old will become "confused" about Santa or Christmas, nor do I feel threatened by it. He knows he is Jewish and Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas. However, if we get together with my family in December and there is a tree and an exchange of presents, I am not overly worried if someone gives him a "Christmas" present. It is not going to make him question whether he is Jewish or not. It's just an opportunity for him to see how other families celebrate another holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could just disassociate Santa and Christmas with religion. We are a non religious family but celebrate Christmas. It is just a fun holiday.

Sorry but this does not work for most Jewish families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daddy comes from people who celebrate Christmas. So they may send you Christmas gifts. You're still Jewish though. Santa isn't real - he's just a character like when for Halloween you dressed up as Elmo. But a lot of other kids don't know that so don't tell them.

That's pretty much how I taught my kids.

This is what we don. We send Christmas gifts to dads family and they send them or hannakah gifts depending on their timing. We do not make a huge deal out of any holiday and wait for the clearance sales and they get a lot then.

[Anonymous]

BTW..Easter/Passover is much more complicated to explain to a young child.