Interfaith families raising Jewish kids -- talk to me about the December dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate both. Menorah and Christmas Tree have been out since last wekeend (of cource the menorah is not lit but the tree sure is). We visited Santa and are looking forward to Hanukkah! I don't see a reason not to do both. That said we talk about the miracle at Hannukah and other religious aspects but we do treat Christmas as a secular holiday. We don't talk about the birth of Jesus. So maybe it is more correct to say we celebrate Hanukkah and Santa Clause coming to town.

And I bet there are families doing the opposite -- talking about the miracle of Christ's birth and lighting Hanukkah candles without religious context.

It will be interesting to see how children exposed to religious/cultural practices in this way will react when they are parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Keep the focus on Hanukah at your house. Just because you go to a b-day party doesn;t mean it is yor b-day.

I love this line. What a nice way to put it in terms of an experience that children understand.

Yes, this is perfect. Explain that Christmas is a holiday that grandparents, aunts, uncles, whomever, celebrate, and it is nice to celebrate with people we love. We are Jewish, DH and I and our parents and (single) siblings, but I have first cousins that are Christian (or actually, athiests/agnostics who default to Christian holidays, but whatever). One of my cousins has kids my age and they came to visit over Passover/Easter this year. They didn't eat bread while they were here since we were observing Passover and it was our home, but the Easter bunny did come and bring their Easter baskets. And because the Easter bunny is a nice being, he also brought Easter baskets for my children, who were thrilled with the novelty (and the junk). They were old enough (6 and 9) to understand that we were helping our cousins celebrate, and it was likely a one-time occurrence. While in your case it seems that this will happen year after year, all that means is that it will give you a chance to reinforce respecting other people's religions and celebrations, while at the same time being clear that while you love Grandma and Grandpa and are happy to be able to share their holiday celebrations with them, they are not your holidays.

Kids will likely understand a simple explanation that certain observances are "real" to certain people, depending on their religion and unreal to others depending on what their parents have chosen to teach them. Also, all kids seem to easily accept that Santa and the Easter Bunny are real just for a while, to young, gullible children, but that figures like Moses and Jesus, who do things like part the sea and rise from the dead, stay real even to grown ups.

[Anonymous]

Question: in the past I have heard of parents wanting to light a menorah to expose their child to Hanukkah as a cultural/educational experience, but they were met with a lot of anger from Jewish celebrants.

Is this different?

[Anonymous]

This doesn't have to be a big deal at all.

I'm catholic, DH is Jewish. Our kids are officially catholic (they were baptized, attend ccd, we go to mass). Our kids understand that dad is Jewish AND so are Grandma and Grandpa. We celebrate Hanukkah and all the other Jewish holidays with the grandparents. We also have some Hanukkah decorations in our home for dad...and honestly, for the rest of us. I guess you could say we're embracing an interfaith approach despite being officially catholic. You might consider doing the same...it doesn't make you less of a Jew (I certainly don't feel less catholic by having a menorah in my house).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: in the past I have heard of parents wanting to light a menorah to expose their child to Hanukkah as a cultural/educational experience, but they were met with a lot of anger from Jewish celebrants.

Is this different?

The people who got angry are different from people who don't get angry. Some people take religious holiday more seriously than others, thinking that only those with the proper religious training and beliefs can take part -- even thinking that it's sinful to participate, for instance, in taking holy communion, if you aren't an observant Catholic in a state of grace.

Others see religious practices from a more cultural/sociological point of view, putting more value on participating with others than with following rules that may be exclusionary.

[Anonymous]

OP, honestly, did you not discuss this at all BEFORE you got married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could just disassociate Santa and Christmas with religion. We are a non religious family but celebrate Christmas. It is just a fun holiday.

Which other religious holidays does your not-religious family celebrate? Ramadan? Yom Kippur?

Ramadan is not a holiday. Eid is the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't have to be a big deal at all.

I'm catholic, DH is Jewish. Our kids are officially catholic (they were baptized, attend ccd, we go to mass). Our kids understand that dad is Jewish AND so are Grandma and Grandpa. We celebrate Hanukkah and all the other Jewish holidays with the grandparents. We also have some Hanukkah decorations in our home for dad...and honestly, for the rest of us. I guess you could say we're embracing an interfaith approach despite being officially catholic. You might consider doing the same...it doesn't make you less of a Jew (I certainly don't feel less catholic by having a menorah in my house).

Your parish priest might not be so happy with your arrangement. And when it comes time for the kids' confirmation and becoming "soldiers for Christ" - the Jewish grandparents might not be so happy either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: in the past I have heard of parents wanting to light a menorah to expose their child to Hanukkah as a cultural/educational experience, but they were met with a lot of anger from Jewish celebrants.

Is this different?

It is inappropiate and minimizes what hannakah is about and how it is done. It is not a major holiday and has prayers and a meaning behind it. I would be very uncomfortable if some bragged they were doing it.

[Anonymous]

To 17:51 -

Why on earth would I care what our parish priest thinks??? Fwiw, my parish priest knows my husband is Jewish and incorporated a lot of OT stuff in our kids' baptisms...he even said a closing prayer in Hebrew.

Re: the grandparents - um, they've attended the baptisms and first holy communion, so I don't think the confirmation will throw them for a loop.

Here's my two cents: I'm admittedly a cafeteria catholic...and I'm proud of that fact...and that's how I'm raising my kids, with the full support of my Jewish husband. So yes, we light the menorah...why not? It's fun...and we understand the meaning behind it and it's importance to Jewish people (including my husband and the grandparents). Having an interfaith home really isn't difficult. It's only an issue if one parent digs in and refuses to compromise. So, don't be that person...be a more tolerant person.

[Anonymous]

We (me and DS) always said "we celebrate Christmas for dad, but mum and I are Jewish."

[Anonymous]

I'm Jewish raised in a home where celebrating or talking about anything Christmas was verboten. How silly. It's just a tree, some lights, presents and some cookies. It's a pagan thing really..the tree and all. I see it as all a secular holiday. My kids are in their 30s now..we celebrated everything and frankly the whole Hanukkah thing is not really meant to be a big holiday, but our culture has turned it in to a secondary Christmas. I say get over this stupid philisophic dilemma. In the end it's just a tree. If you are an orthodox Jewish family, this wouldn't even come up. For the rest...you aren't keeping kosher, praying 5 times a day, keeping the Sabbath, so what's the big deal about this? You already are living a secular life but you just don't identify as Christian. Singing Deck the Halls doesn't make you a Christian.

[Anonymous]

We celebrate both in our house too. DW was brougt up vaguely Catholic, I was brought up Jewish. We agreed to raise the kids Jewish, but DW wanted to keep the tradition of celebrating Christmas - and I don't blame her.

So we have a secular Christmas - a tree, ornaments, Christmas morning, Santa - the whole kit and kaboodle, but no Jesus. It's just a special time to create memories and be with family and appreciate everything we have.

But we go to Temple, kids have been Bar Mitzvahed, and we celebrate all the Jewish holidays.

The kids get it. They understand that they are Jewish kids, and a secular Christmas doesn't make them any less so.

Christmas and Chanukah both have their origins as pagan holidays anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm Jewish raised in a home where celebrating or talking about anything Christmas was verboten. How silly. It's just a tree, some lights, presents and some cookies. It's a pagan thing really..the tree and all. I see it as all a secular holiday. My kids are in their 30s now..we celebrated everything and frankly the whole Hanukkah thing is not really meant to be a big holiday, but our culture has turned it in to a secondary Christmas. I say get over this stupid philisophic dilemma. In the end it's just a tree. If you are an orthodox Jewish family, this wouldn't even come up. For the rest...you aren't keeping kosher, praying 5 times a day, keeping the Sabbath, so what's the big deal about this? You already are living a secular life but you just don't identify as Christian. Singing Deck the Halls doesn't make you a Christian.

So there is only one authentic way to be a Jew? Orthodoxy? Up yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate both in our house too. DW was brougt up vaguely Catholic, I was brought up Jewish. We agreed to raise the kids Jewish, but DW wanted to keep the tradition of celebrating Christmas - and I don't blame her.

So we have a secular Christmas - a tree, ornaments, Christmas morning, Santa - the whole kit and kaboodle, but no Jesus. It's just a special time to create memories and be with family and appreciate everything we have.

But we go to Temple, kids have been Bar Mitzvahed, and we celebrate all the Jewish holidays.

The kids get it. They understand that they are Jewish kids, and a secular Christmas doesn't make them any less so.

Christmas and Chanukah both have their origins as pagan holidays anyway.

I wonder what your kids' families will be like -- I suspect even less Jewish, the way things are going.