DC Home For Holiday Spends Time @ Friend's House

[Anonymous]

Am I being overly sensitive and dramatic here? I knew DC would want to spend time with friends and was okay with her going straight to friends house as soon as she was picked up from the airport. It's her first time home since leaving in August and i knew she missed BFF dearly.

Yesterday was spent with family down south. When we returned home today...? You guessed it: directly to BF's. I texted and told her she needs to spend time with me (single mom) before leaving tomorrow. She said ok. That was shortly after 7 pm. It's now close to 10:30.

I'm tempted to text and tell her to let BF's family take her to the airport tomorrow. Oh yeah, and pay the remaining balance on that tuition I can't afford. But I realize I may need to calm down and that I may be a bit irrational right now. On the other, it's another sign of the inconsideration she seems to have ( not unusual for teens).

Your opinion?

PS: she's a freshman.

[Anonymous]

Not at all overreacting that you want to spend one on one quality time with her.

IMO, you cross a line when you lay on the guilt trip (can't afford tuition), make threats (won't pay tuition), or act petulant (tell her to have her friends parents drive her). It will just push her away (trust me, my mom is the queen of those 3 categories). Send her a text and tell her to please come home and you guys can enjoy some ice cream (or whatever) before she leaves tomorrow. Who cares, maybe a beer too. Don't need to go into more than saying you want to spend the rest of the night with her and until whenever she leaves tomorrow.

That said, I graduated in 08 and first semester of freshman year was really lonely and isolating for me. First time in a long time I had to make all new friends and it was really hard. She may be struggling with the same and that's why she's spending so much time with her friend.

For the future, carve out some specific one on one time so you guys have set plans.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything now, while you're feelings are fresh. Talk to her down the road after she gets back. As she becomes more of an adult, she'll want to spend more time with you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Your guilt tripping will lead her to push you away. I say this as a daughter of a mother who always wanted more from me to the point where I ended up avoiding her. This is a good time to step back and let her be more grownup. Your relationship will change, it has changed, and you can't force back what you had.

Yes, you have a right to expect some time with her. But it sounds like you spent a day and a half traveling together -- out of a four day break. Carving out some specific plans like that is a good idea. But you need to allow her to hang out with friends as well.

Her life isn't centered around you anymore. And thats a good thing, she's become her own person. She owes you respect and she owes you a visit but she doesn't owe you most of her time.

[Anonymous]

Well, maybe PPs have good advice.
However, it must be really hard for you right now, so hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Who paid for the flight home? Tell her you expect to actually see her if you pay for the flight, otherwise, next time, she's on her own. Or maybe the BFF can pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who paid for the flight home? Tell her you expect to actually see her if you pay for the flight, otherwise, next time, she's on her own. Or maybe the BFF can pay for it.

Seriously? How incredibly petulant and childish. She's a teenager. She's at an age where she's supposed to be separating from her parents. I agree with pp to make set plans during future visits, but throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to make op's dd want to spend more time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who paid for the flight home? Tell her you expect to actually see her if you pay for the flight, otherwise, next time, she's on her own. Or maybe the BFF can pay for it.

Seriously? How incredibly petulant and childish. She's a teenager. She's at an age where she's supposed to be separating from her parents. I agree with pp to make set plans during future visits, but throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to make op's dd want to spend more time with her.

If she can pay for it, she can separate all she wants. Until then, she lives by others' rules.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it, OP. Rise above. I was horrible to my mom until I was about 20 or 21. She was never overbearing but when I went to college, she way backed off even more and called once a week, gave me space when I was home. We're very close now. Only issue is my residual guilt over how I acted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who paid for the flight home? Tell her you expect to actually see her if you pay for the flight, otherwise, next time, she's on her own. Or maybe the BFF can pay for it.

Seriously? How incredibly petulant and childish. She's a teenager. She's at an age where she's supposed to be separating from her parents. I agree with pp to make set plans during future visits, but throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to make op's dd want to spend more time with her.

If she can pay for it, she can separate all she wants. Until then, she lives by others' rules.

Nice. How respectful.

Presumably she was with OP on Thanksgiving, then yesterday with family, and traveling with OP earlier today. Surely OP can fill her time without her daughter for a day. If OP tries to use money to control her daughter's actions, she'll not have to wonder why her daughter avoids her later when she is truly independent.

[Anonymous]

Why does the mother have to be respectful of the 'adult' child, but the child doesn't have to be respectful of her mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mother have to be respectful of the 'adult' child, but the child doesn't have to be respectful of her mother?

How is wanting to see a BF before leaving being disrespectful? By the OP's admission her DD has spent a majority of her Thanksgiving break with her mother and other family members. It is only this evening that her DD left to see a friend. IMO that is a reasonable request on the part of the DD. Pulling out the guilt trip and acting like a child yourself like the above poster will simply push your children away.

OP - think back to your relationship with your parents when you were the same age as your DD. Didn't you want to spend some time with your friends when you came home? Didn't you need some space to grow up? Your DD is in the beginning years of college and still needs the ties to home, but you have to remember that those ties also include her friends and that is healthy and exactly the way it should be. The PP who suggested you carve out some time with your DD for the next trip home is a great idea. Also, why don't you make plans with your DD and her friends? Have them over to the house and enjoy all of their company for an evening. It's hard to watch our babies grow up, but it's important that we let them do it and, more importantly, don't do anything to hinder their emotional growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mother have to be respectful of the 'adult' child, but the child doesn't have to be respectful of her mother?

Because the child is learning how to be an adult.

Op, don't do this. Just tell dd "I'm really sad we didn't get to spend time together. Next time you're coming home, will you please set aside at least four hours and a meal for us to catch up one on one?"

[Anonymous]

For the record, picked DD up Wed. She immediately went to BF's house. Came in after I was asleep. Thanksgiving Day we drove 45 mins south and spent with family. When we returned home, DD went to BF's house. Yesterday I took DD to do a bit of shopping. She then went to BF's house and was there all day until after 11 pm tonight. Just in time to get enough sleep b/c tomorrow it's back to the airport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mother have to be respectful of the 'adult' child, but the child doesn't have to be respectful of her mother?

How is wanting to see a BF before leaving being disrespectful? By the OP's admission her DD has spent a majority of her Thanksgiving break with her mother and other family members. It is only this evening that her DD left to see a friend. IMO that is a reasonable request on the part of the DD. Pulling out the guilt trip and acting like a child yourself like the above poster will simply push your children away.

OP - think back to your relationship with your parents when you were the same age as your DD. Didn't you want to spend some time with your friends when you came home? Didn't you need some space to grow up? Your DD is in the beginning years of college and still needs the ties to home, but you have to remember that those ties also include her friends and that is healthy and exactly the way it should be. The PP who suggested you carve out some time with your DD for the next trip home is a great idea. Also, why don't you make plans with your DD and her friends? Have them over to the house and enjoy all of their company for an evening. It's hard to watch our babies grow up, but it's important that we let them do it and, more importantly, don't do anything to hinder their emotional growth.

I didn't go to college on the west coast as my DD does. My parents could drive less than 1 hour to visit me whenever they wanted .