DC Home For Holiday Spends Time @ Friend's House

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mother have to be respectful of the 'adult' child, but the child doesn't have to be respectful of her mother?

How is wanting to see a BF before leaving being disrespectful? By the OP's admission her DD has spent a majority of her Thanksgiving break with her mother and other family members. It is only this evening that her DD left to see a friend. IMO that is a reasonable request on the part of the DD. Pulling out the guilt trip and acting like a child yourself like the above poster will simply push your children away.

OP - think back to your relationship with your parents when you were the same age as your DD. Didn't you want to spend some time with your friends when you came home? Didn't you need some space to grow up? Your DD is in the beginning years of college and still needs the ties to home, but you have to remember that those ties also include her friends and that is healthy and exactly the way it should be. The PP who suggested you carve out some time with your DD for the next trip home is a great idea. Also, why don't you make plans with your DD and her friends? Have them over to the house and enjoy all of their company for an evening. It's hard to watch our babies grow up, but it's important that we let them do it and, more importantly, don't do anything to hinder their emotional growth.

I didn't go to college on the west coast as my DD does. My parents could drive less than 1 hour to visit me whenever they wanted .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who paid for the flight home? Tell her you expect to actually see her if you pay for the flight, otherwise, next time, she's on her own. Or maybe the BFF can pay for it.

Parenting fail. Guilt trips do not work. Do you want to have a relationship with your daughter or just spend forced time with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the record, picked DD up Wed. She immediately went to BF's house. Came in after I was asleep. Thanksgiving Day we drove 45 mins south and spent with family. When we returned home, DD went to BF's house. Yesterday I took DD to do a bit of shopping. She then went to BF's house and was there all day until after 11 pm tonight. Just in time to get enough sleep b/c tomorrow it's back to the airport.

This is a short break and you can't jump to conclusions. The one person who can understand everything she's going through right now is her BFF. Think of it this way -- be glad she is maintaining such close ties to a friend at home because it will be an incentive for her to come home on future breaks rather than make other plans.

The one thing you shouldn't do is whine or argue. You need to create some structure so her time with you is clear. Next time she is home make specific plans -- we'll have dinner together Wednesday and run errands Friday -- that sort of thing. And then accept that most of her other time will not be spent with you. I'm looking at this and I see her spending between and third and half of her time with you. Why are you complaining about that? To me it sounds like you are having trouble transitioning to your new relationship with her. She is spending time with you, just not as much as you would like. But if you keep this up she will never spend as much time with you as she would like and you will spend every visit counting how many hours here and how many hours there and you will be resentful.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't guilt trip DD, but I'd try to make sure she wasn't avoiding me on purpose because of social or academic issues at school. Otherwise, you presumably will have more time to catch up at Christmas. The Thanksgiving break is a short one and kids want to spend most of it with their friends, particularly those who don't have hovering parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the record, picked DD up Wed. She immediately went to BF's house. Came in after I was asleep. Thanksgiving Day we drove 45 mins south and spent with family. When we returned home, DD went to BF's house. Yesterday I took DD to do a bit of shopping. She then went to BF's house and was there all day until after 11 pm tonight. Just in time to get enough sleep b/c tomorrow it's back to the airport.

So you DID get to spend time with her after all! I don't understand why you're upset now that you've explained this.

[Anonymous]

My DC is also a freshman (and I have an older one). The freshman spent a lot of time with HS friends this weekend. Similar to yours, went out Wednesday night when she got home, Friday afternoon and Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Saturday night. Part of why they are excited to come home their first break is to see friends. This tends to become less pronounced by junior/senior year.

I think you need to let it go. You can find a lot on line about the challenges parents and kids face during college, that are very pronounced freshman year. Parents want/expect things to be like they were in HS, and kids have trouble adapting to the rules and expectations of home after being free and independent at college. My DC's college actually sends periodic emails from the office of student life to remind parents of these dynamics. It's worth reading some of this stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Learning to be an adult means learning to balance family and friends. Sorry but OP's daughter should have carved out time for her mother. I let my child go out all three nights and on Friday, too, but made sure we had a meal together every day. I'm a single parent, too, and this was how my married friends worked out the balance -- time with family and with friends. How did things end?

PP,
Ha to the college sending emails to parents. That is too much! No wonder parents cannot cut the cord.

[Anonymous]

Oh wait PP here with revised feedback. OP it does sound like you spent enough time with her. I thought she went to family without you on Thursday! Chill! What she's doing is normal!

[Anonymous]

OP here with update.

I didn't throw in the 'let them do this or that '. DD came home and we've been hanging out since . She's here now .

Thanks for all perspectives .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Learning to be an adult means learning to balance family and friends. Sorry but OP's daughter should have carved out time for her mother. I let my child go out all three nights and on Friday, too, but made sure we had a meal together every day. I'm a single parent, too, and this was how my married friends worked out the balance -- time with family and with friends. How did things end?

PP,
Ha to the college sending emails to parents. That is too much! No wonder parents cannot cut the cord.

Confused. The college is in fact telling parents to cut the cord. But that's what colleges need to deal with these days - managing the parents as much as the students. DCs college had to be very specific during summer orientation that the session with the advisor was only for the students, not the parents. And this is at a big state university. My DC at a SLAC had a student/parent reception at drop off and then had to essentially tell parents it was time to leave.

[Anonymous]

Yesterday was spent with family down south

with you too?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Obligation has no or little place now in your relationship with DC. You are moving toward a relationship more similar to friendship. Hopefully you will wish to be together. You can't force it. If you do, you won't ever know if DC genuinely wants to spend time with you or not.

It's a bit scary and the relationship will ebb and flow through the coming years. It's new territory for your and DC's emotional relationship even if the financial relationship is still one of dependence.

[Anonymous]

I knew a boy who went to his BFs house before going home from college. His mother said something along the lines of: You don't make friends like this everyday.

She wanted to see her son, but appreciated the the value of their friendship. That friendship has now crossed the 50 year line. Just another perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a boy who went to his BFs house before going home from college. His mother said something along the lines of: You don't make friends like this everyday.

She wanted to see her son, but appreciated the the value of their friendship. That friendship has now crossed the 50 year line. Just another perspective.

+100 --- willing to bet that OP would have posted if her DD had stayed at home exclusively and did not have a BFF to visit. Challenge for the parent (single or not) is to create a home environment where the college student wants to spend time and the various BFFs want to come to the house, too. Not easy, but it is generally worth the effort.