Psycho BIL

[Anonymous]

So back in April I was dx with Breast Cancer. Had surgery, chemo whole thing. The cancer isn't the point, the point is my literally crazy BIL. This is a bit long so sorry.

So him and my sister have been having issues. Prior to my BC dx she came and stayed with me after her husband had been accusing her of cheating on him(There is no cheating, think he has delusions with morbid jealousy) and tried to choke her. Stayed with me for about 7 wk then had counseling and went home. All was ok, then I got my dx and she came and stayed with me after very extensive surgery.

Now husband up to this point hasn't been himself, but not trying to choke her either. Was on and off meds, his choice, and not really reliably taking them in the first place. So about a week -10 days after my surgery he comes to my house and wants my sister to tell him when she is coming home. From his demeanor it looked like he was in full out crazy mode. His college age daughter was also there to see his melt down into psychosis. I was sleep in my room and didn't know about this till weeks later. So she makes him leave with threat of police. Now the real crazy shows up. Stalking all through my neighborhood (NW DC), constant call of my sisters cell(mine too and house phone), following her at work and she sees his car when she is out walking the dog. So just psycho behavior.

Worst part is while I am getting chemo he shows up outside my house ranting and raving not once but twice out of 4 sessions of chemo. Shows up on the worst day after chemo. I found out the first time when I was trying to just walk to the car one of my neighbors ask who "XXX" is (my sisters name). I tell him it is my sister, who is right there with me helping me to car, and she then informs me that BIL was outside of home screaming for her the night before. I inform her that that sort of behavior won't be tolerated. Tell my neighbors to call the police if he pulls it again. He does same thing after my 2nd session of chemo. I witness it this time and call the police on him. Love DC police, they take potential domestic violence very seriously. Tell him to stay away from this house and he will be arrested if he returns to my property uninvited. So last 2 sessions of chemo he was a no show. He eventually go put on meds that he actually started taking and has some what calmed his behavior. He has been diagnosis with "Behavior disorder". Not schizophrenia, no bipolar, not manic , not depression. From what I can find out about Behavioral disorders(which by the way are almost impossible to treat) it is a good way of saying someone is an a$$hole and they can't control themselves. Now I know that isn't nice in this age of PC and mental health but it seems like it comes under the medical diagnosis of "Idiopathic" which means they don't know what to do about him. My sister stayed with me for 4 months after my surgery and has been home for about 1 month. He is on anti-psychotic drugs. Has stopped some of the stalking behavior. Let me put it another way hasn't stopped it but he is better at hiding it. Still thinks sister is cheating on him. Constant question about where she is, what she is doing and with who. They are also in counseling.

Holidays coming up. I am not going to their home and pretend that all is well and wonderful with all the things he has done. Medication is acting like a chain restraining a rabid dog. My question is am I being unreasonable in not wanting to have a fake holiday at his house and pretend all is right when I just want to punch him in the face for showing up at my house and being a lunatic while I am going through chemo and post-op after my surgery? I have been through a lot this year. Last thing I want to do is spend my holidays in the home of an a$$ who is convinced my sister is cheating on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous Last thing I want to do is spend my holidays in the home of an a$$ who is convinced my sister is cheating on him.[/quote wrote:

Then don't. It't not unreasonable. Maybe he'll get the message to pay better attention to his meds.

[Anonymous]

Of course not

[Anonymous]

Stay at home, you've had a very trying year. Have your sister and kids come to your house to celebrate. Asshole BIL can't sit it out at home alone.

[Anonymous]

Oops, Asshole BIL *CAN* sit it out at home alone.

[Anonymous]

This is a no brainer. You're done with him.

[Anonymous]

Seems like an easy decision to me. Why do you even feel obligated to celebrate with him? Invite you sister over, w/o BIL, and have your holidays there. You've had cancer and IMO, you can do it your way without regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like an easy decision to me. Why do you even feel obligated to celebrate with him? Invite you sister over, w/o BIL, and have your holidays there. You've had cancer and IMO, you can do it your way without regrets.

Rest family trying to guilt me into being "Forgiving" and saying he has mental health problems and comparing them to medical problems. My sister won't come here for holidays and leave him home alone. I have other plans to spend the holiday with super good friends.

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is why your sister is still with him.
You certainly have your legitimate grievances, and I'm very sorry your year was so physically and emotionally trying, but the people tied to him are your sister and their children. They need an exit plan, pronto. No more wasting time with counseling.

As for the Holidays, you will invite your sister and the kids, without BIL. BIL must never be allowed on your property ever again. The police threat still stands.

[Anonymous]

Just read your update - definitely I would not forgive and forget, or allow him anywhere near you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like an easy decision to me. Why do you even feel obligated to celebrate with him? Invite you sister over, w/o BIL, and have your holidays there. You've had cancer and IMO, you can do it your way without regrets.

Rest family trying to guilt me into being "Forgiving" and saying he has mental health problems and comparing them to medical problems. My sister won't come here for holidays and leave him home alone. I have other plans to spend the holiday with super good friends.

Then I guess you won't be spending thanksgiving with your sister. You've made your boundaries clear, and she made a decision. Done. No guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What I don't understand is why your sister is still with him.
You certainly have your legitimate grievances, and I'm very sorry your year was so physically and emotionally trying, but the people tied to him are your sister and their children. They need an exit plan, pronto. No more wasting time with counseling.

As for the Holidays, you will invite your sister and the kids, without BIL. BIL must never be allowed on your property ever again. The police threat still stands.

Believe you me, I am in active talks with her about getting out of there. My biggest fear is when he gets off his meds (not if, but when). He has a horrible family history of violence and psychosis. It is your typical situation. Smart, educated good income woman staying with crazy, abusive husband. I just watch show on HBO called Private Violence. She isn't nearly that bad but I can certainly see similarities and understand what these women are going through. I think compared to that show she is a 1 on scale of 1-10 but WHEN he goes off his meds she will quickly escalate way beyond that. I think she is finally seeing the light. Now comes the time to figure out how to get her and son out. BTW she lives in MD. Not so great laws or enforcement by police on domestic violence.

[Anonymous]

Spend the holidays w/ your friends. If sister wants to come w/o BIL then great, but BIL is not invited and you need to stand by that.

[Anonymous]

I fell for you going through that while trying to recover. But please have sympathy for another human with a medical condition as unwanted and unwelcome to him as yours is to you. Your sister is caught between love and loyalty to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fell for you going through that while trying to recover. But please have sympathy for another human with a medical condition as unwanted and unwelcome to him as yours is to you. Your sister is caught between love and loyalty to you both.

Yeah, feel sympathy for him but be prudent. At least BC won't kill anyone but the person afflicted with it.