Could a relationship like this actually exist?

[Anonymous]

Please be kind. I am in the process of divorcing someone with emotional verbal and substance abuse issues after kids and almost two decades of marriage, so please don't be too nasty if your answer is no.

I knew a couple who married after each has lost a spouse in their early 60s. The husband just died at 99. The wife is still living.

As he was dying, the wife, who is frail and in her 90s herself, helped take care of him, including cleaning up messes from tubes and so forth, but mostly what she did was to tell him it was ok to go and to thank him for taking such good care of her. He was very angry about dying because he promised her he would never make her go through losing a husband twice. Well, when lung cancer gets you at 99, there is not much you can do.

I'm going to be 50 in a couple of years. I hate that, although I am drop-dead skinny, my stomach looks like a freak show unless I lay on my back (woman on top? NO thank you). I don't want to be anyone's trophy wife (you can be a trophy wife at 50 if the guy's old enough - yuk) or booty call or just to have.

I want a relationship where I can be myself. Where I can say, "I hate being on top because my stomach looks like crap (and he can either convince me he doesn't mind or respects that decision). I want someone who wants me. All of me. The smart me, the good dresser me, the great job me, the mom me, the naughty me, the well-read me, the trashy comedy me, The Voice addict me. I want someone who will kiss me when I get home, and not just out of duty. If I am doing something, I want someone who will come put his hand on the small of my back and whisper something naughty in my ear as long as he is able. But I also want someone whose hand I can hold well after the rocking chair years, who I can tell, thanks for letting me be myself, and maybe even thank you for taking such good care of me as I wipe whatever away from his tubes. Or maybe the shoes will be reversed, and he will say, thank you for sharing this part of your life with me. Thank you for bringing the joy that was missing back to me. Thank you for giving me a real marriage.

Does such a thing exist?

[Anonymous]

I like to think so.

I am a hopeless romantic I suppose.

But I do believe that a relationship like the one you just described can exist where love & respect are mutual.

Sure, spend enough time on this forum + you will be discouraged, but I do believe in true, selfless and loyal love. All the way.

If I didn't, then I would lose all of my faith in my chances of a happy future and then what would sustain me?

[Anonymous]

Well then I guess we'll be out looking, 1:15. Glad I'm not the only romantic.

[Anonymous]

I never ever say anything negative about my looks to my husband. Ten years and still sticking to that. Why point out any negatives?

[Anonymous]

I think so! I had that with my husband, who died last year. He didn't care if I shaved my legs, etc, and I was happy to take care of him while he was ill. (I'm in my early 50s)

I will add that it doesn't sound like you're anywhere near ready to date, though. You need to work on healing, being independent, and getting your self esteem up.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you there are a great many men who accept that women have stretched out skin on their stomachs and find them sexy nonetheless. About 90% of women have imperfect bodies and are in relationships, have sex and even are on top during lovemaking.

Men have insecurities about their bodies too -- perhaps even more so than women.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't meant to be nasty, but a love like that can exist, but you have to have that kind of relationship with yourself first. After years with someone who abused you for years, it's easy to think that you're not worth that kind of love, and you are.

I believe that kind of love exists, but only happens in the context of a relationship where you both feed it and nurture it. It would happen more often if people put the work in, but sadly, movies like to tell us that they "just happen". Yes, the serendipity of meeting the right person "just happens", but that doesn't move along unless both partners do the grunt work going forward.

OP, you're going through a lot of loss right now. Be gentle on yourself. I spent several years single and licking my wounds after a terrible, abusive relationship, and they turned out to be some of my best years so far. There is no love like coming into your own skin.

If you're looking for something silly but wonderful to read, I highly recommend "Succulent Wild Woman" by SARK. it's been out FOREVER, but it's a gem of a book, and she talks a lot about love and our expectations of it.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't meant to be nasty, but a love like that can exist, but you have to have that kind of relationship with yourself first. After years with someone who abused you for years, it's easy to think that you're not worth that kind of love, and you are.

I believe that kind of love exists, but only happens in the context of a relationship where you both feed it and nurture it. It would happen more often if people put the work in, but sadly, movies like to tell us that they "just happen". Yes, the serendipity of meeting the right person "just happens", but that doesn't move along unless both partners do the grunt work going forward.

OP, you're going through a lot of loss right now. Be gentle on yourself. I spent several years single and licking my wounds after a terrible, abusive relationship, and they turned out to be some of my best years so far. There is no love like coming into your own skin.

If you're looking for something silly but wonderful to read, I highly recommend "Succulent Wild Woman" by SARK. it's been out FOREVER, but it's a gem of a book, and she talks a lot about love and our expectations of it.

Good luck.

+1. Can a relationship like this exist? It depends. OP, are you this kind of person yourself?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it exists. But strangely (and frustratingly), the older we get, the more we are confident in knowing what we want, yet the harder it is to find.

Take time to heal, then find ways to put yourself out there. It won't be easy to feel vulnerable, especially after what you've endured. But take heart in the fact that there are men out there looking for exactly what you've described.

I would have you in a second.

[Anonymous]

I do think this kind of relationship exists, although there certainly is no "perfect" relationship. But first and foremost, OP, you must take the time (as PP said) to be your own best friend and learn to nurture and love yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP- I could have written your post. I too have a marriage that has been killed by spouses emotional and verbal abuse, substance issues, and so on. This all began well into the marriage. I believe he has an undiagnosed mental illness.

I am asking myself the EXACT SAME QUESTION and the EXACT SAME TIME. And after realizing in no uncertain terms that I didnt ever have the marriage I wanted, and knowing I literally did everything I could on my end, I am now quite clear that yes such a marriage does exist.

In fact, OP, I dare say now that you have been through what you have been through, you might even be in a better position to have such a marriage in the future, as long as you have done a full accounting on your end and can say you gave it your all. I threw so much compassion, love, adjustment, optimism into a situation that I in fact did not control. At 46 I am officially giving up on this marriage.

But I refuse to give up on life. And a happy marriage was part of my understanding of what life could bring. It was not meant to be, in my case. But I refuse to give up the idea of what I could have had. I dont want to cling on to it to be bitter, but rather cherish it as a standard that I believe is worth aspiring to.

[Anonymous]

PP again- but yes, it will take you time to recover. I am not even at the point where divorce proceedings have begun. Hard to say what the future holds for me. I just refuse to give up on life. That is all I know for sure.

So think of it as not just a relationship that can exist, but a life. I think your answers reside in life itself, not in another relationship. I think others are basically saying the same thing, in the form of have that relationship with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like to think so.

I am a hopeless romantic I suppose.

But I do believe that a relationship like the one you just described can exist where love & respect are mutual.

Sure, spend enough time on this forum + you will be discouraged, but I do believe in true, selfless and loyal love. All the way.

If I didn't, then I would lose all of my faith in my chances of a happy future and then what would sustain me?

Are you a man? Please say yes.... As a woman, I need to hear a man say this....(sniff)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again- but yes, it will take you time to recover. I am not even at the point where divorce proceedings have begun. Hard to say what the future holds for me. I just refuse to give up on life. That is all I know for sure.

So think of it as not just a relationship that can exist, but a life. I think your answers reside in life itself, not in another relationship. I think others are basically saying the same thing, in the form of have that relationship with yourself.

Thanks PP (and all). We are in the divorce process, but you are right. There is so much I have to heal first. Yet I do believe something great could be out there if you can find it when you are ready. I am not yet ready, but do know I will and can. It's how I used to be before I got married. It's like somebody switched the rage switch on that day and I struggled to make sense of it and think if I just tried harder it would somehow get better until I finally realized it never would. I lost so much of myself along the way that I have to rediscover who I am.

[Anonymous]

Have you seen a man in his 50s naked? I think you'll have to fight him
For the bottom... I like on the side