A mom-friend outted her DD to me yesterday

[Anonymous]

We had drinks while our girls were playing with two other girls. I asked something about if her girl was interested in boys yet, as my girl (4 months younger) is not. She hesitated, and I said, "Oh, I don't mean to pry," and she replied "I'm trying to think how to tell you without violating DD's confidentiality .... DD is identifying as bi. She thinks she likes girls right now." I asked if she was out, and the mom said, "I think she's telling her friends one by one, as she feels comfortable telling them," so I just said "Okay, I won't tell my DD then."

But after I got home it struck me how much it seems she totally DID violate her daughter's confidentiality! Am I crazy on this one? My own DD would be SO upset if she'd told me a secret and then found out I was telling the moms of her friends!

[Anonymous]

drop it. not your business.

[Anonymous]

You are reading too much into this. The other mom probably just needed someone to confide in.

[Anonymous]

Yep she sounds like my mom. Some moms violate their daughters privacy, boundaries and throw them under the bus when they can. It's shitty but true.

[Anonymous]

Mom was caught off guard. It's a compliment that she trusts you to care about her kid and not go blabbing this info. I would give her a break. She may also need help and support in supporting her daughter through this, so try to be there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had drinks while our girls were playing with two other girls. I asked something about if her girl was interested in boys yet, as my girl (4 months younger) is not. She hesitated, and I said, "Oh, I don't mean to pry," and she replied "I'm trying to think how to tell you without violating DD's confidentiality .... DD is identifying as bi. She thinks she likes girls right now." I asked if she was out, and the mom said, "I think she's telling her friends one by one, as she feels comfortable telling them," so I just said "Okay, I won't tell my DD then."

But after I got home it struck me how much it seems she totally DID violate her daughter's confidentiality! Am I crazy on this one? My own DD would be SO upset if she'd told me a secret and then found out I was telling the moms of her friends!

YOU asked the question, what did you want her to say? You sound like the type who would be pizzed if she had lied to you now and then you found out later that DD was bi. It's not like she came to you with the secret. YOU asked, SHE hesitated. Tuck what you learned away and you don't need to tell anyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had drinks while our girls were playing with two other girls. I asked something about if her girl was interested in boys yet, as my girl (4 months younger) is not. She hesitated, and I said, "Oh, I don't mean to pry," and she replied "I'm trying to think how to tell you without violating DD's confidentiality .... DD is identifying as bi. She thinks she likes girls right now." I asked if she was out, and the mom said, "I think she's telling her friends one by one, as she feels comfortable telling them," so I just said "Okay, I won't tell my DD then."

But after I got home it struck me how much it seems she totally DID violate her daughter's confidentiality! Am I crazy on this one? My own DD would be SO upset if she'd told me a secret and then found out I was telling the moms of her friends!

YOU asked the question, what did you want her to say? You sound like the type who would be pizzed if she had lied to you now and then you found out later that DD was bi. It's not like she came to you with the secret. YOU asked, SHE hesitated. Tuck what you learned away and you don't need to tell anyone

It would have been fine if she'd said "Oh, I made a promise to my daughter not to talk about her romantic interests" or something. I wouldn't at ALL be angry if she side-stepped the question and I later found out her DD is bi. People come out when they're ready. Of course I won't tell my DD. However, I am going to wait a few days and then talk to DD about appropriate ways to respond if/when her friends begin coming out to her. I would like for her to be a safe place for her friends to go, you know?

[Anonymous]

If she is your friend, maybe she wanted to talk about it. It is definitely something for a mom to process too.

It would have been easier to just say "I have no idea" or "It's all so confusing at this age, who knows?" or some other brush off. She probably told you out of her need to talk to a friend.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she violated her DD's privacy. She obviously hesitated, but obviously trusted you and your DD to be supportive people.

Stop over-thinking this. You're being unfair to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had drinks while our girls were playing with two other girls. I asked something about if her girl was interested in boys yet, as my girl (4 months younger) is not. She hesitated, and I said, "Oh, I don't mean to pry," and she replied "I'm trying to think how to tell you without violating DD's confidentiality .... DD is identifying as bi. She thinks she likes girls right now." I asked if she was out, and the mom said, "I think she's telling her friends one by one, as she feels comfortable telling them," so I just said "Okay, I won't tell my DD then."

But after I got home it struck me how much it seems she totally DID violate her daughter's confidentiality! Am I crazy on this one? My own DD would be SO upset if she'd told me a secret and then found out I was telling the moms of her friends!

YOU asked the question, what did you want her to say? You sound like the type who would be pizzed if she had lied to you now and then you found out later that DD was bi. It's not like she came to you with the secret. YOU asked, SHE hesitated. Tuck what you learned away and you don't need to tell anyone

It would have been fine if she'd said "Oh, I made a promise to my daughter not to talk about her romantic interests" or something. I wouldn't at ALL be angry if she side-stepped the question and I later found out her DD is bi. People come out when they're ready. Of course I won't tell my DD. However, I am going to wait a few days and then talk to DD about appropriate ways to respond if/when her friends begin coming out to her. I would like for her to be a safe place for her friends to go, you know?

Sure, but she was caught off guard and didn't think of the exact perfect thing to say. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom was caught off guard. It's a compliment that she trusts you to care about her kid and not go blabbing this info. I would give her a break. She may also need help and support in supporting her daughter through this, so try to be there for her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Just curious, how old are these girls?

[Anonymous]

If DD is telling her friends it's out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think she violated her DD's privacy. She obviously hesitated, but obviously trusted you and your DD to be supportive people.

Stop over-thinking this. You're being unfair to her.

really? I suspect you are not the parent of a teen. This mom needs to learn that her child isn't an extension of herself. She can confide in a close friend if she wants, but she shouldn't be telling her daugher's story in passing.

OP - What you should take away from this is that Darla's mom can't be trusted with a confidence. Beyond that, just pretend you don't know. It isn't your story to tell.

[Anonymous]

You outted your own DD as being into boys, didn't you? Lesson learned, don't bring it up. Let the kids share if they want. Your daughter doesn't want you discussing her interests in boys any more than her daughter wants her mom discussing her interests in girls.