what to do? Friends with abusive narcissist

[Anonymous]

My DH works for a classic, textbook abuser (and I suspect a narcissist disorder). While everyone else leaves, DH tolerates the abuse. Which I find very troubling because a healthy person IMHO would not put up with such treatment.

It's a very lucrative job, but totally dependent on this man. Basically, he is the client and you have to do what he says or else...

What's worse this man and his family slowly over the years became friends of family and we go on vacations together occasionally and are invited to all their parties. This guy tries hard to behave in public so I did not learn what he is really like until last few years.

After I learned I tried to only hang out with his wife and child. And now he views me as a threat and hates me - I'm bad influence on his wife, giving her ideas that she can go out and be around people. He doesn't let her have any friends or go out, not even with me.

We still see each other occasionally with his wife, but now his daughter is starting to exhibit the same behavior. I'm afraid it's bad for my child and I worry that she will learn to tolerate this behavior like DH.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

DH needs a new job.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Is he a boss or a client? If your income depends on this man, I wouldn't be going on vacations with him. Does your husband suffer a lot of aggravation or does he just roll with it?

[Anonymous]

I don't think a normal, healthy person is immune to the narcissist. I know people who can't see out of their relationships with these people precisely because they are SO normal, they don't understand how messed up that person really is. And when you're around that person all the time, your whole perspective gets screwed up.

Anyway, I don't think there's much you can do unless DH thinks it's a problem. Your post doesn't clarify what specifically the problem is. I would just limit the social interactions as much as possible. Certainly back off from wife and kids unless you're really close and want to maintain the relationship. In which case you have to accept the husband.

[Anonymous]

New job and separation from this person.

If your husband isn't on board with making a change then that's your more serious problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Is he a boss or a client? If your income depends on this man, I wouldn't be going on vacations with him. Does your husband suffer a lot of aggravation or does he just roll with it?

OP here.

He is a client, but micromanages everyone and is in control of everything. DH just rolls with it. He's had this job for 10 years and feels uncomfortable changing it.

[Anonymous]

So just stop socializing with them.

[Anonymous]

One day your DH will wake up and say "why did I waste all those years with this person?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post doesn't clarify what specifically the problem is. I would just limit the social interactions as much as possible. Certainly back off from wife and kids unless you're really close and want to maintain the relationship. In which case you have to accept the husband.

The problem is my DC. Our kids miraculously ended up in the same class and they signed up for the same activities at school as we did. DD complains that the other girl bosses her around and is mean to her. I'm teaching her to stand up for herself, but DD is a little shy and this girl is her comfort zone because she had known her before school. The other girl also doesn't want to play with anyone else but my DD.

I have stopped socializing with them before, but his wife seeks out the interactions, usually when he's out of town.

This time I want to stop socializing with them for good, but I don't know how to protect my DC from this influence until next year of school when they're in different classes.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're pretty enmeshed with these people and might be past the point where you can move away from them gracefully. I had a narcissistic friend like this years ago who was a horror to be with. I realized within a few months that she was too toxic and I was wasting precious time with her-- even a restaurant dinner would end up being a bad experience because she'd berate the waiters in front of me and cause tension. I cut her out before I felt obliged to invite her to my wedding and ensuing baby shower.

It's tough that your kid is in the same school and your husband is working with this person so, yeah, again, you're enmeshed unless you move and DH finds a new job. Only other solution I see is slowly pulling away over the course of a few months with some white lies (i.e. you're helping your elderly mom a lot, DH is helping his elderly parents, your kid has a lot of activities, anything).

[Anonymous]

I just read a book, Disarming the Narcissist, and it was actually quite a good read on how to interact with narcissists or people with those tendencies. Many of the examples are about family but also about work relationships. It's a pretty quick read and very easy to digest and pretty illuminating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read a book, Disarming the Narcissist, and it was actually quite a good read on how to interact with narcissists or people with those tendencies. Many of the examples are about family but also about work relationships. It's a pretty quick read and very easy to digest and pretty illuminating.

OMG I am going to get this. (Not OP, but in desperate need of this)

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read a book, Disarming the Narcissist, and it was actually quite a good read on how to interact with narcissists or people with those tendencies. Many of the examples are about family but also about work relationships. It's a pretty quick read and very easy to digest and pretty illuminating.

OMG I am going to get this. (Not OP, but in desperate need of this)

Thanks.

Read the reviews and critiques of it first. There are better books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read a book, Disarming the Narcissist, and it was actually quite a good read on how to interact with narcissists or people with those tendencies. Many of the examples are about family but also about work relationships. It's a pretty quick read and very easy to digest and pretty illuminating.

OMG I am going to get this. (Not OP, but in desperate need of this)

Thanks.

Read the reviews and critiques of it first. There are better books.

Will do. Do you have any you recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read a book, Disarming the Narcissist, and it was actually quite a good read on how to interact with narcissists or people with those tendencies. Many of the examples are about family but also about work relationships. It's a pretty quick read and very easy to digest and pretty illuminating.

OMG I am going to get this. (Not OP, but in desperate need of this)

Thanks.

Read the reviews and critiques of it first. There are better books.

Will do. Do you have any you recommend?

Yes, you could look for this one: Why Is It Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism.