If you've cut off a sibling, do you have any contact/relationship with their children?

[Anonymous]

I made the decision to cut off/cut out a sibling a couple of year ago. They are extremely toxic, manipulative, and I feel that I made the right decision. This sibling still tries to contact me, but I ignore it completely.

I do send presents to their (small) children on their birthdays, Christmas, etc. Whether or not it makes it to the kids I don't know, but I want to make the effort. I think my sibling is probably a good parent, but shitty human being in many other ways, and I do not like or respect them. I'd like to have a relationship with my niece and nephew, but I cannot have one with my sibling, and need to put my wellbeing first. I do not want them as a part of my life.

For those of you that cut off a sibling, how do you navigate your relationship (if any) with their kids?

[Anonymous]

Really? You don't. Try to have a civil relationship with your sibling so you can have a relationship with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? You don't. Try to have a civil relationship with your sibling so you can have a relationship with their kids.

Clearly you have not experienced a family member who makes you a target of their direct harm, and possibly mentally ill. Consider yourself very lucky.

[Anonymous]

I do not, but I hope to when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really? You don't. Try to have a civil relationship with your sibling so you can have a relationship with their kids.

Clearly you have not experienced a family member who makes you a target of their direct harm, and possibly mentally ill. Consider yourself very lucky.

+1 "family first" doesn't apply to people who are undiagnosed psychopaths and refuse to get help. Probably not harmful to their kids, but really awful to be around. OP I understand completely where you are coming from and you are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

My dad and his sister are estranged. Have been for many years now. The son (my dad's nephew is) is 48. He an my dad go to dinner a few times a year, and he visits us at our home 1x /yr.

[Anonymous]

I swear to you--I had to reread this OP several times, wondering if I had posted and forgot about it. You're not alone, OP. My nephew is still too young to know though. I have no contact.

[Anonymous]

My brother is cutting contact with us. I believe he's mentally ill, and has had one diagnosis of bipolar disorder (although that is hard for me to believe).

I do keep in contact with his kids.....through his ex-wife. I'm very grateful for that, because they really need some stable adults in their lives right now.

But what about your parents? Do they have contact with your sibling's kids? Any way to do some family get togethers then? My mom babysits his kids pretty often, and I try to get my kids over to her house at the same time. Have dinner together or something like that.

[Anonymous]

I guess I have a negative reaction to your post, OP. I find it very manipulative of you to send gifts to your brother's small children when you refuse any contact with him. That's really not fair and it's not your place. When you cut someone off, their family is not fair game for you to form relationships with and to play the "Dear Auntie" with. What are you thinking here? That you are going to have a loving relationship and that he is somehow going to explain that Dear Auntie does not speak to him and considers him toxic??? That eventually you will have some sort of encounter with them and explain your side of the story?

OP, when you cut someone out of your life, they are entitled to THEIR life. Back off.

[Anonymous]

I send birthday and Christmas gifts. My kids get nothing.

[Anonymous]

I get wanting to have contact with the kids, but it feels extremely passive aggressive at best to refuse any contact with the sibling but to send things to the kids. Heck, your sibling can't even tell you to please not send things because you refuse to acknowledge anything they have to say. It crosses the line from cutting them off for your own benefit to being openly disrespectful and inappropriate when you pursue contact with their minor children but refuse to allow them a role in that relationship (other than to cut you off from the kids). Would you be comfortable if an adult were acting that way with your kids?

The cases where I've seen it work out to have a relationship with the kids after cutting off a sibling always happen when the kids were adults or near-adults who already had a significant relationship with the aunt/uncle before their parent was cut off. At that point, they're old enough to have their own family relationships without their parents and can choose on their own whether to continue it.

[Anonymous]

You find HIM manipulative?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I expect nothing back from my sibling or her kids. If they decide to want nothing to me, I accept that. I don't send big or grandiose gifts, but simple presents on the usual holidays/occasions, just like I send to all my other nieces and nephews (whom I have a great relationship with). I'm not looking to manipulate anyone, but if I'm sending Christmas gifts to 5 of my nieces nephews, it seems really odd to not send anything to the other 2. They're very young, so who knows if it even makes it to them. But again, I'm also looking to see how other people deal with these kinds of situations.

This sibling continues contact with me by sending me e-mails (to the whole family), updates, photos, etc, despite making it explicitly clear that I'd rather they not contact me. They have ways to tell me to stop sending a a gift to the kids 2x a year, I assure you. This isn't a sibling like we had some kind of petty disagreement. This is someone who has bipolar at the bare minimum, but likely a more severe personality disorder. I can't be a part of their rollercoaster anymore.

[Anonymous]

Everyone who says something like "I can't be a part of their rollercoaster anymore" seems to love to create drama. Can't you see that, OP? If you truly don't want to be a part of the "rollercoaster" then don't contact his kids -- they are part of him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you already don't have a relationship with your sibling. Not sure why you want to be dramatic and stir things up at this point. Either deal with the mass emails, or not, but you can't get all dramatic if the goal is to preserve your relationship with your nieces and nephews.

By the way, I feel like you might just be angry. At least I'm angry, I'm in a similar place with my mother - except she isn't trying to have a relationship with her grandchild at all.