If you've cut off a sibling, do you have any contact/relationship with their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who says something like "I can't be a part of their rollercoaster anymore" seems to love to create drama. Can't you see that, OP? If you truly don't want to be a part of the "rollercoaster" then don't contact his kids -- they are part of him.

This. It also sounds like Op does not understand mental illness at all. She almost seems to think it is her sibling's fault. Not that you can't be angry with a mentally ill person for his/her actions, but OP seems to throw the very fact of mental illness out like an accusation. If he's truly mentally ill I would expect a more conflicted attitude about cutting him off. I've had to cut off a mentally ill family member and it is gut-wrenching.

[Anonymous]

You can't really have a "relationship" with minor kids without having one with the parent. You can keep acknowledging special occasions, which is nice of you, and hope that they get whatever you send. When they are adults, they can decide whether they want to have a relationship with you or not.

[Anonymous]

We maintain contact with our nieces and nephews, and their dad (formerly our BIL) but not their mom who left them behind to be with her (married) boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I have a negative reaction to your post, OP. I find it very manipulative of you to send gifts to your brother's small children when you refuse any contact with him. That's really not fair and it's not your place. When you cut someone off, their family is not fair game for you to form relationships with and to play the "Dear Auntie" with. What are you thinking here? That you are going to have a loving relationship and that he is somehow going to explain that Dear Auntie does not speak to him and considers him toxic??? That eventually you will have some sort of encounter with them and explain your side of the story?

OP, when you cut someone out of your life, they are entitled to THEIR life. Back off.

I have to agree. You are not talking about adult children. There's no way you can have a relationship with these kids which does not involve the parent.

How would you like it if someone did this to you and your children?

It is highly inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear, another all-or-nothing thread.

[Anonymous]

As annoying as my sibling is sometimes, I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews. I can't imagine life without those kids around. I really play nice a lot of the time for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, it does seem like a double-standard that you do not want any contact (even indirectly, as part of a group) from your sibling yet you still maintain a somewhat-indirect contact with her by sending birthday/Christmas gifts.

No-contact should be all or nothing with the person and with their family, unless their other family member already had a good and previously-standing relationship with you--which it sounds like the kids are too young to have that with you.

It might be hard, but you have to let the kids go.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP with the Dx'ed bipolar brother, and I think he's got narcissistic tendencies as well. I can feel your pain. Have you talked to a therapist about this? I was able to out up appropriate boundaries with my brother so that I could see the kids. I consulted with a therapist to get ideas and feedback on how to do this. Now he's cutting off family so there isn't much I can do about a relationship with him. But I mention the limited contact with strong boundaries only because I really think the kids suffer, and they do better with more stable, reliable adults in their lives. I try to be that for my nephews. It might work for you, depending on how toxic sibling is. Whatever you decide, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who says something like "I can't be a part of their rollercoaster anymore" seems to love to create drama. Can't you see that, OP? If you truly don't want to be a part of the "rollercoaster" then don't contact his kids -- they are part of him.

this is really dumb and certainly not that cut and dry when mental illness is invloved

[Anonymous]

My sisters kids were old enough to be on social media when I cut her off. Her oldest daughter is a bad as my sister so I have no relationship with her. I see my nephew occasionally but we socialize on Facebook regularly. My other niece was only 9-10 when I cut my sister off so I didn't see her much the first couple of years but I see her more now that she can get out and about without my sister facilitating it. She took care of my cat on a recent trip and I tookher to lunch on Sunday. I think you basically need to wait until you can contact them without your sibling add the middle man.

[Anonymous]

My dad cut off his relationship with his brother when I was 10. I have not had contact with my Uncle or my his kids (my cousins) since then. It makes me sad and I wish it was different. I would have loved to get gifts from my Uncle and I think it is nice you are trying to keep the connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I send birthday and Christmas gifts. My kids get nothing.

I had a sibling cut me off several years ago. I sent my nieces birthday and Christmas presents for several years and never knew if they even received them or were allowed to open them. My kids received nothing from my sibling - not even a card. I wish my sibling +spouse could keep the kids out of their issue with me but they didn't. I saw this sibling and nieces a few years ago at a family celebration and my nieces didn't even know who I was or who my kids were. Sadly, this year I decided my sibling and family is dead. I no longer mention their names to my kids as at this point they will never have a relationship with their cousins until they are older and can decide for themselves. But they will be strangers to each other so I highly doubt that will even happen. When my parents bring the sibling up in conversation I tell them I am not interested in hearing about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cut off his relationship with his brother when I was 10. I have not had contact with my Uncle or my his kids (my cousins) since then. It makes me sad and I wish it was different. I would have loved to get gifts from my Uncle and I think it is nice you are trying to keep the connection.

+1

My mom severed ties with her family (though it might have been more complicated than that). Despite the absence, I would have appreciated my aunts and uncles sending a birthday card or gift - I don't think they ever did. I think the effort would have made a difference in wanting to see about a relationship as I got older. And as I've gotten older, I don't feel that interested in getting to know my aunts and uncles precisely because there's no effort.

Family members sever ties all the time, for all kinds of reasons. And sometimes, different generations re-connect. It's one thing to send gifts all the time and try and make a show of it. It's another thing to continue to send a small card/gift on special occasions, with a simple "Happy birthday Jane & John!" It would be weirder to skip it, but send cards/gifts to their cousins.

[Anonymous]

I am the child of such a relationship. At first, my aunt sent us gifts and encouraged us to come over. She had no children of her own. Then, she sent me a letter, I was about 16-17 at the time, telling me hoe ungrateful I was and only hung around her to get gifts. So I would say, if you send gifts, please do so selflessly so that these children don't feel like they are caught in the middle.

[Anonymous]

I caught off all ties with my mother's siblings. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer and went through chemo, radiation, not ONE of them ever visited. 1 of them lives in the area and another one used to live in our house for 2 years! with her brood while going through a messy divorce. They would send e-mails on occasion talking about their problems as usual but not a single hospital visit or just a text message, "hey, how are you feeling?" And on the day of her funeral, the bitch who used to live in our house dared to ask me "So, what did your mom leave us?" They called our house more than they did while she was sick. It's been 6 years since she passed away, I still haven't seen any of them. Yet their children want to be my "friends" on FB.