Finally told mother about abuse; now I have to face her.

[Anonymous]

A week ago I was talking with my mother on the phone. We were discussing the time around which she and my father split up, and she talked about a lot of incredibly piggish behavior which she had brushed off, but it really incensed me and I finally told her that I had always gotten a creepy vibe from him, and after further conversation painfully admitted that he molested me as a teen. I begged her to share anything that may have happened to me as a young child because I have always this yucky feeling about him, as early as I can remember. She couldn't think of anything and wash shocked, which didn't surprise me as she is extremely naive. She is coming tomorrow to help with the baby (regular visit), and I have no idea how I am going to face her. Part of me feels relief for finally saying something, but a much bigger part of me is terrified that this is going to come out and tear apart both my relationship with her and with the rest of the family. Has anyone else been through this? I am losing it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Are you seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse? If not, this would be a good person to talk to about your relationship with your mom.

[Anonymous]

I haven't been through exactly the same thing, but I was severely abused as a child. Over the years, I've been in situations where I've had to confront these demons all in the name of "finding myself." People have been hurt and relationships destroyed, but now, at 43, I'm glad I tackled the issues the way I did. I'm very comfortable in my skin, have an amazing child and husband. Be true to yourself. You'll be okay. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Don't be surprised if she remains in denial for a while at least. I was molested by a relative and no one believed me until he was accused by another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be surprised if she remains in denial for a while at least. I was molested by a relative and no one believed me until he was accused by another person.

Brace yourself for reactions that might be very upsetting. My family reacted in unhelpful ways when I reported a relative's abuse. I was 12 when I reported the abuse. He'd abused my sisters and me for years. From that point forward, I became a "slut." My sisters joined in, even though they were also victims. They still view me as a slut, which is especially interesting, since one of them was actually somewhat complicit in my relative's abuse of me.

Obviously, you can't get through this kind of experience without some scars, but it helped that no one else in my life viewed me as a slut - classmates, etc. Outside my family, people consider me to be conservative and even prudish.

[Anonymous]

I hope you are in therapy. Your mom is going to have a lot of her own issues to work through about this issue. I went through something similar with my mom, although it was her telling me she had been abused. Several years later and the whole thing is still difficult to comprehend and process.

If you aren't in therapy, start. Encourage your mom to also find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

4:41 - I see a therapist for other issues. Haven't brought it up because a) I fear the discomfort of talking about it, b) I'm afraid she wouldn't be able to say anything that would help, and c) I'm worried she would want me to confront him, which I absolutely can not do.

6:31 - thank you for sharing. I really hope I can move on the way uou have. May I ask how long it took you to deal with what happened and stop let it affecting you? Is the abuser still in your life at all?

6:34 - she wasn't in denial about the stuff I remember happening, just shocked and supportive. I am worried about her bringing it up and things being awkward. I hate that it's out there now.

[Anonymous]

You are going to have to give her more details for her to believe you.

I'm guessing this would be better done with someone trained for this present.

Concerned about tearing the family apart? Not sure why. If your Mom doesn't believe you - -I suppose she could distance her self from you. But that would be an unfortunate choice for her to make.

Step-dad I assume?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to give her more details for her to believe you.

I'm guessing this would be better done with someone trained for this present.

Concerned about tearing the family apart? Not sure why. If your Mom doesn't believe you - -I suppose she could distance her self from you. But that would be an unfortunate choice for her to make.

Step-dad I assume?

She does believe me. No issues there. The conversation was over the phone and she was very supportive, but I am humiliated and have to see her today, and am terrified of having to interact with someone who knows. I'm worried she will bring it up. I wish she weren't coming.

[Anonymous]

Stay strong, OP, and find a therapist ASAP.

Because people often don't act the way you expect to, they might be in denial and take his side, and you might find yourself alone.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist is never going to tell you that you have to confront your father.

If you don't trust your therapist than find someone you do trust to work with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should talk about it with your therapist. It sounds like your mom IS supportive, but you are terribly uncomfortable about seeing her simply because now she knows, and that makes you feel shame. You should bear no shame, OP. None. You are a survivor of abuse, and the only person who bears any shame is the abuser, and anyone who covered for him or was complicit. You were a child. You were a victim. You are not to blame. There is nothing shameful in having suffered, OP. You are strong and you survived. There should be PRIDE in that.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Good for you for finally telling. I wish that I could be so brave.
There isn't much you can do if she says she wasn't aware if anything. You can't make her talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should talk about it with your therapist. It sounds like your mom IS supportive, but you are terribly uncomfortable about seeing her simply because now she knows, and that makes you feel shame. You should bear no shame, OP. None. You are a survivor of abuse, and the only person who bears any shame is the abuser, and anyone who covered for him or was complicit. You were a child. You were a victim. You are not to blame. There is nothing shameful in having suffered, OP. You are strong and you survived. There should be PRIDE in that.

+10000!

[Anonymous]

In addition to the advice here - saying a prayer for you OP today, that you are strong and that there is peace and no fear in your environment.