Finally told mother about abuse; now I have to face her.
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Anonymous
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OP, so sorry for this. Glad your mother was sympathetic.
You have to remember this is new to her, too, and she is likely still processing. She probably feels awkward, too, and isn't sure how to approach you or bring it up. While I strongly agree this is a topic for therapy, given your timing how would you feel about laying down some ground rules? Mom, I know we talked about my dad, and I'm glad it's finally out there. I know this is a lot for you to absorb, too. I'm in therapy, and I have a lot of work to do. I'm glad I told you, but that was a big step for me. What I need most right now is to continue to do my own work with my therapist. There's nothing that can be done right now, anyway, so I'm asking if we can let it lie for a little bit? When I'm ready to talk about it I will. With a supportive mother, i'd hope her response would be, whatever you need, you just tell me, I'm always here for you. |
Anonymous
| I'm so very sorry. Having been through this myself, I strongly encourage you to speak to your therapist about this ASAP. You must, must tell her and develop some coping strategies for your 'new normal'. This abuse is like a wound that has healed over. You can move beyond it but there will be times in your life when that scab gets ripped off - like when you have your own kid and you better understand the horror of what was done to you. It's re-traumatizing. From your few posts, it seems to me that you may be on that path. Don't go down it alone. If you respect your therapist, she can really help. Hugs. |
Anonymous
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Are you people reading???
OP says mom IS supportive, it is OP having a hard time now facing the person to whom she divulged her secret!!!!!! |
Anonymous
OP, this wasn't your fault. I'm sure you know that intellectually but you write as if you feel guilty about it and responsible for it. Also, just because you tell someone like a therapist doesn't mean you have to do anything more if you don't want to. But keeping it a secret is not good for you. Good luck! |
Anonymous
Dear OP. 6:31 here. My own mother was part of the problem and I kept forgiving her. I desperately needed her love and acceptance after she'd abandobed me (I was eight months old when she left me with abusers and lived in denial her whole life about how grim my situation was). Anyway, I didn't move on until I was forced to. When my own son was about eight months old, she threatened to harm him and my husband. I kicked her out of my house and haven't looked back? That was eight years ago. So, to answer your question, I was 35. And no, the abuserS are not in my life, though I spent five years (my husband by my side) looking them in the eyes and telling them I remember what they had done. From some, I received apologies, from others complete denial. But, honestly, I feel like the luckiest girl on earth. I know you can get there, too, but it takes honesty, acceptance and letting go. Oh, and a supportive partner helps 
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Anonymous
No competent therapist will make you confront him. Even if they suggest it, you can tell them no, right? With regard to your fears about your mother, it's out there now. Completely understandable that you're freaked out about it, but it's good that it's out there. It's healthy that you've talked about it. Focus on that as best you can, okay? However she continues to react, you've done the right thing in taking the secret out of hiding. |
Anonymous
| OP, how did it go with your mom the other day? |
Anonymous
Was her mom there when it all happened? Yes. She was part of it. Sexual abuse happens when wives are in denial or subconsciously do not notice what is going on in their family. Think Sandusky. OP needs a therapist. |
Anonymous
I mean subconsciously know something is wrong, but will not try to figure it out. |
Anonymous
No, she was not there when it happened. My parents divorced when I was quite young. Thanks for all the support, everyone. It was awkward, but went as well as it could have. She didn't say anything, and she respected my space (no hugs, which usually bother me but would have made me bawl this time), so I really appreciated that. I need to talk about it in therapy, but that is going to be another hurdle. I wish I could just open my brain for someone to take a look at and repair whatever needs repairing. Reliving stuff is the pits. |
Anonymous
| OP, I hope you get the help you need. And way to go on taking this step of putting it out in the open. It's certainly not easy but it's the crucial first step. |
Anonymous
You are the victim Op, so there is no need to feel ashamed. Hugs! Hang in there! |
Anonymous
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Dear OP,
Terror of horrible consequences at "breaking the silence" is very, very normal and common. Feelings of immediately needing to backtrack and minimize it all are also normal. It's the beginning of healing. Prayers for you. |