Two schools of thought on homework, studying issues: 1) have DS tough it out, or 2) intervene

[Anonymous]

A shaky start for 13-year old DS at new school. He can do it, but kind of chooses not to somewhat, and is getting low scores in some classes. Part of it is greater workload, new environment, as we expected. Part is his executive skills, organization, thoroughness, and not rushing through homework so he can get back to his computer games.

Previous school, he did well and was a perfectionist. Now in more competitive school he sees it is harder to be a perfectionist and is just kind of letting go, I think.

From the teachers, we as parents hear two schools of thought: 1) He needs to figure this out on his own, as he will other things in life, and 2) get more involved with homework, interact more with DS on an assignment-by-assignment basis for the courses he is having trouble in.

I welcome your views on what our role as parents should be on this issue.

[Anonymous]

The obvious thing from your post is to tell him there's no computer game time on weeknights. Then he has no incentive to rush through his homework. If that's too harsh, a firm limit (30 minutes?) in the evenings contingent on finishing the homework correctly.

He does need to figure this out, but it will make it easier if you provide the structure for him to do so.

[Anonymous]

I think both suggested HW approaches are good - just not at the same time. Start with the hands on approach, not to do his homework but to help him get a good routine set up for HW (consistent time of day and place in house to do HW, how to keep binder/assignments organized, things along these lines) and how to get started (prompts like, "break it into small pieces" or "what do you know about the problem?"). Even if he did not need this in his prior school, perhaps the change in routine moving to a new school has left him feeling unsettled and I would help him find new routines. After some period of time when you think he's got the routine down, then stick to the prompts, gradually making them less and less. I am not a fan of completely leaving a kid with executive function problems to flounder over his HW, because that usually just amounts to the kid spending a lot of time to output very little quality work - would you be incentivized by that?

[Anonymous]

My DS went through something similar this year, starting a new school, and he is doing much better. I think its normal. There are new demands, its probably more difficult, and the routines are different.

I don't think it ever works for parents to get involved in the substance of homework. It just amps up the tensions at home and, if successful, keeps the teachers from seeing where the student needs help. You should set up a structure for him to complete homework. Rules about when and where and what privileges have to wait until he's done. And then encourage him to meet with his teachers one on one to discuss problems. Learning how to take this step -- asking teachers for help -- was the most valuable skill my children acquired to make them successful students.

[Anonymous]

My kids are very good students, they do well in school, need very little help in their schoolwork and maintain their straight A's. Their teachers are always praising them and they also score in 95+ %ile in all kinds of standardized tests as well. So, you would think that I would be fairly hands off. However, I am not that. I am very involved in some way or the other. I mainly teach them - goal setting, organization and time management skills, research, presentation skills and communication skills. They can work hard but my job is to teach them how to work smart as well.

I feel that the school years is the best chance to teach these kids all the skills that they will need in a professional workplace. Most people think that their child needs help in content only, but I think that is usually an easier fix. A tutor or online resource can take care of that. I feel that most of the times the students need help in - how to study, what to study and how to present their work (from organizing content, researching, annotation to presentation - verbal, written, electronic media etc. to dressing for the job and follow through).

I feel the schools do not do a very good job of teaching the kids these skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS went through something similar this year, starting a new school, and he is doing much better. I think its normal. There are new demands, its probably more difficult, and the routines are different.

I don't think it ever works for parents to get involved in the substance of homework. It just amps up the tensions at home and, if successful, keeps the teachers from seeing where the student needs help. You should set up a structure for him to complete homework. Rules about when and where and what privileges have to wait until he's done. And then encourage him to meet with his teachers one on one to discuss problems. Learning how to take this step -- asking teachers for help -- was the most valuable skill my children acquired to make them successful students.

We have been going thru this with a younger child. We had to take away all electronics on a week night (no tv, no ipad) because she lied and said she completed all her work and had not. So we go back on the trust scale and we check the assignment board, check work is completed, and check the online grades to make sure things are being turned in. Once we can go a week or two with everything completed, she gains back electronics and knows we will check on-line grades. If she is completing work and turning it in but the grades are low, then we've told her she will need to meet with the teacher to understand what she isn't getting and it's okay to ask for help. She laughed when I told her what I refuse to do is go meet with the teacher and complain about my kids grades and look like bobo the clown because she hasn't been completing or turning in assignments. Oh and saying she doesn't understand something doesn't mean she is done and can watch tv. It is a process.

For longing term assignments, a person that deals with executive functions has suggested having a calendar and actually writing down and cutting out each step to get the project done. Then have the child move the pieces around the calendar (with that tape that turns paper into a sticky note) to show the plan to get it done. Like Tuesday is find 3 sources. Thursday is writing the outline. Saturday is working on the cover. This helps the child understand how many tasks are really part of the assignment and what is realistic to get done. If you are stacking 22 steps on the day before it is due, visually you can see it doesn't make sense. I actually did something similar at work for myself where I wrote down all the sub taks needed to get a bigger task analysis task done and had to figure out the date when I had to complete them to make sure I stayed on track to actually have time to use the analysis and make the sytem changes needed by the end of the year. I get distracted very easily and by nature can be a procrastinator so this type of keeping myself on task is critical for me.

[Anonymous]

I cut out electronics for my son in 3rd grade when it was clear that he would rush through his homework. Now, there are no electronics until Friday night.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the no electronics rule on weeknights. Or let him do the 30 minutes "before" homework. Get some of it out of his system.

OP, I'm in the camp that you offer some guidance and involvement with an eye toward helping him with his executive functioning skills and organization. I'd also try to tone down the perfectionism thing a bit. It's OK to make mistakes. It's OK to make a decision that he needs to invest more time and effort in algebra than in Spanish because of his needs/grades. Or whatever.

In the business world, good managers help employees who have some challenges. I think it's much better to be part of a collaborative, team effort than to make people stick it out on their own. That does NOT mean do his homework at all. Just provide some supports with respect to organization and completion, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I'm a vote for stepping up your involvement temporarily.

Sometimes when someone transitions from an environment in which one has found it relatively easy to succeed, into one in which it isn't, one has trouble making the adjustments while maintaining the confidence that it can be done. He probably will figure it out himself but in the meantime the costs of letting him do so entirely on his own might not be worth it. What he might need at this stage is a little assistance raising his game for the new environment, after which once a successful pattern is established he'll feel more confidence and comfort in handling it all himself.

I conclude this based on my own life -- I was a successful perfectionist in elementary school and later in high school. I had a rough transition to middle school (Lord of the Flies environment) and college (trouble handling workload and big forward leap in difficulty). I never did figure it out on my own in middle school and was saved only by escape into a more benign high school. In college I ultimately did but only after 2 years of struggle and falling badly behind.

In retrospect having someone step in with a little guidance before things got out of control for me might well have kept me on the straight and narrow.

[Anonymous]

Study skills are in fact skills that don't come easily for a lot of kids. Get Ann Dolin's book on homework. Help your kid at least establish these skills.

[Anonymous]

Read "Mindset" It's a quick read but gives a lot of good information about why people give up when things get hard and how to help keep that from happening.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for these thoughtful responses. This helps me.

[Anonymous]

I don't remember starting this post but it sure could have been me! Exactly in the same spot, but 14 yrs old - I was there all through elem and middle - he's auditory, so talking study sessions help. Now in HS, I just can't do it all and we feel that you either learn how to do it now or face it in college. We hover a bit, but he's got to do it. That being said - it all may change when 1st Q grades come out.

[Anonymous]

My daughter did this as she moved from an easy public elementary school to a hard private middle school. The school should have a counselor or a study skills teacher that should be able to help him. Instead of you nagging them, they make 1-2 meetings a week with this person and go over their organization and time management skills. Her school emphasized over and over again that there will be a hard transition for all the kids (not just transfers) but the kids need to learn more self directing. So I usually spend about 30min on Sunday evening going over the week, her planner, upcoming tests, how is she going to manage her time this week with x an y activities. But during the week, she is on her own to listen to my Sunday suggestions or try to do something else. Our only rule is no electronics in the bedroom except her iPad for homework. No tv's, iPhone, computer, etc...

[Anonymous]

OP, the phrase "get back to his computer games" is worrisome. Why do you allow computer games to be such an important part of his life?