My kids ADORE and love my step mom but inside of me in kinda stings

[Anonymous]

My dad married a wonderful and kind woman 6 years ago. She never had kids but LOVES being a grandma to my kids. She is crafty and energetic and is a blessing to have. That said it pains me that my kids grandma isn't my mother. She died when I was in my early 20s after a long battle with cancer and I miss her desperately. She was completely different than my step mom in everyway and I know she would of given ANYTHING to see my babies. During her treatments and surgeries she would always talk about how the pain would all be worth it so she could see us get married, have kids, graduate, etc etc. I just feel so sad my kids don't know her and the only version of my father they know is with a totally different woman. These feelings are so hard to admit. Does anyone else have a similar situation they would be willing to reflect on?

[Anonymous]

I have a very similar story. My parents got divorced when I was 12, and my dad married a woman who we never really like and it was VERY clear she didn't like us either. My mom died after a long battle with caner when she was 53 and I was 24. Since my sisters and I have all gotten married and had children, my step-mom has become much more supportive and friendly. My kids all call her Grandma, but part of me cringes when they say it only because my mom would have been the BEST grandma. She absolutely adored children, and it makes me so sad my children will never know her. I feel your pain...I suppose that we should be happy that our step-moms love our kids, at least.

[Anonymous]

I think losing a mom is a "forever" kind of grief, and that's more of what you're experiencing, if that makes any sense. Lost my mom at 18, so I understand where you are.

[Anonymous]

I can totally relate. My mom died at 57, and she never got to see any of her kids get married or meet a grandchild. My MIL is not a nice lady, and every time my child says "grandma" I cringe. It's not fair that the surviving grand parent is so selfish.

[Anonymous]

My mother lives across the country and has never even met my kids. Doesn't care to do so and they are three and five. My dad marries a few years ago to a very nice woman who I didn't really give the time of day to until I had kids. She is by far our best grandparent. I am blessed to have her and my kids are too. So I know it's not exactly the same as my mother is still alive and just doesn't care about my kids. But I feel fortunate that someone who is not technically related to my kids loves the, so much. It's sad for sure for me?.but I try to think about my kids and to them, it's perfect.

[Anonymous]

Very similar situation for me. My mom died of cancer when I was 24. She would have loved her grandchildren so much, and so often I wish I could share my amazing boys with her. My dad remarried a wonderful woman who is a great grandmother to my kids, but it still stings that she isn't my mom. To me, she seems more like a decent MIL - someone who loves my kids, is wonderful to have in the family, but certainly is no replacement for my mom and who can do little things that irrationally drive me a bit crazy . I try to appreciate her for who she is, but still keep alive memories of my mom for my children (telling stories, sharing activities my mom did with me when I was a kid). My oldest is 5 and 'gets it' and asks me about her a lot, which makes me happy. It also helps that I'm close with siblings who struggle with many of the same things. Wishing you the best!

[Anonymous]

I had the exact same situation. As time passed, I was able to let go of the "jealous" feelings about my biological mom (I don't know that they are actually jealous, but you know what I'm getting at.. The feelings of wishing bio mom was in step mom's place) and became really close with step mom. Then, out of nowhere, she died of a heart attack. There were absolutely no signs, she was in excellent health and died immediately. I am still wrapping my mind around the whole thing. I am definitely struck by how much I genuinely miss her.. In one sense I am grateful that we became closer in her last year or two, but I'm also shocked about what a huge loss her absence has left. I would tell everyone how grateful I was that she was such a great grandma and helped with my kids so much, but it wasn't until she died that I really understood how rare that was and how lucky we were.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. It's really hard. My mom died when I was a kid and my dad has been remarried for over 20 years. My step-mother and I have had our ups and downs but in general we love each other and she's a good grandmother. And in the end, that's really what counts. All the important parts of life that my mom missed, meeting my kids is prob the one that hurts the most. But since she's not here, I am glad we have my stepmother.

[Anonymous]

My mom is alive, but has NPD and I have very limited contact with her. My MIL is lovely and a wonderful grandmother and I find myself mourning that it is this other woman who can be their grandmother, and not the woman who raised me.

[Anonymous]

My mother died about fifteen years ago, and she never got to meet my child. My stepmother has really stepped up to be a fantastic grandmother. I really regret that my mom never got to meet her grandchild, but I am very glad for my son's sake that he has an extra adult in his corner.

[Anonymous]

I am the grandchild in this situation-- my grandmother died when I was very small, and eventually my grandfather met a lovely woman who was affectionate to us. I really enjoyed spending time with her, and knew how she made my grandfather happy. And of course having her to care for him as he aged made life much better for everyone.

BUT. It wasn't the same as having my grandma see me grow up. I have always known the difference. I will never forget my grandma even though I only have one or two memories of her. It's harder because I have a bad relationship with my mom so I can't really ask her about her mother. But I make her recipes every year.

OP, your grief is real. It is completely understandable, and it doesn't make you a bad person or unappreciative of your father's wife and everything she does. Do you tell your kids stories about their grandmother?

[Anonymous]

Big hug to you Op (and others in similar situations). I, too, lost my mother to cancer when I was 20 and she was 46. She would have been an amazing grandmother to my kids and it kills me they never knew her. I talk about her a lot to them and when doing so call her Grandma Lynn (rather than "my mother"), because one of my grandfathers died before I was born and he was never made "real" to me. I understand and share your feelings, but in my case my father never remarried so the grandmother I am resentful of is my MIL, who gets to be my child's only grandmother and noteithstanding my attempts to make my mom seem vivid to my kids, my MIL will always be who they think of when they hear the word grandmother. I am sad for my kids to have missed having such a loving and supportive grandparent in their lives, I am sad for me that I cannot share the joy and trials of motherhood with my mom, esp as you can see much about your own childhood a lot more clearly once you have kids, and I am sad for my mom who missed out on so much by dying young. Anyway, obviously these feelings are common since but at least keep in your mind that this woman is a wonderful and kind person, in your own words. I suspect your mother would be glad to know that such a person is in her grandchildren's life, at least I would be. And look at it as a good thing that she is so different than your mom - she will never be a replacement for your mother as your kids' grandmother, just a different kind of grandmother.

[Anonymous]

I grew up as a grandchild in a situation like this.

My mother's mother died when I was a newborn, after a relatively brief illness. Grandpa had a decades long relationship with...let's call her Jane, who I came to understand was very different than my grandmother, but was and is wonderful to me. It's been a blessing to have her in my life.

Yet, at the same time, there's always been an ache for my missing grandmother. What it meant not to have her, some of the consequences for my family of her passing...I felt that ache all at the same time that I loved Jane. It's complicated, what you're feeling, what your kids may eventually feel.

It took a long time for me to understand what complications my mother has felt over the years, and I give her great credit that she didn't let that show much when I was a kid and let me develop my own relationship with Jane.

You're doing a good thing letting your kids have their own relationship with your stepmother. It's good for them to receive this love, even if it's so different in some ways from how your mom would have been, and even as it very naturally pains you.

Best to you, OP. I think your kids will understand in time.

[Anonymous]

Another grandchild here who never knew my biological grandmother. You can increasingly let your kids learn more about your mom. Show them old family photos and make sure photos of your mom are visible in your house. (I loved having my own copy of a photo of my grandmother as a young woman in a frame in my room.) Tell them stories about your childhood and what your parents were like then. Point out ways in which your children are like your mom. Talk about how much she wanted grandchildren and how much she would have adored them. You can do all this without undermining their relationship with your stepmom.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, that you for all your stories and support...very touching. I am going to start talking about "my mom" as my kids get older...they are 3 and 5 now and I mention it now and then and will increase the stories and memories as they get older. My oldest just put together that his grandma is not my mom recently so thats what kinda opened up this can of emotion. I wish you all healing...being a motherless daughter can be isolating!